Q for Qachas

I have no fondness for debating back and forth whether Mr Musharraf is indeed an enlightened and moderate person himself or just a sham merely pretending to be one for duping Western powers; if he practices what he preaches; or whether his actions and deeds support his sermons or belie them.

Academic quibbling over semantics aside, and regardless of the factual credentials, it would be unfair to deny the purported Enlightened Moderate the credit where it is due. Yes, you got it, of encouraging women to wear shorts in public – a giant leap forward for eliminating prejudicial practices and constitutional anomalies.

Also, in practical terms, being much more affordable than shalwars and better suited to our climatic conditions; shorts are a pragmatic as well as poor-friendly solution to the umpteen problems faced by Pakistani folk of both genders. What a vision!

In fact, shalwar kameez symbolize inflation – of both cloth and diffidence. We have got to take it down, literally. No compromise on macro-indicators, while a world class banker is at the helm. One can make several pairs of knickers of one shalwar or sari. Thus, squandering huge national resources on chauvinistic shalwars or pantaloons, when the same purpose can be served quite adequately with much less, defies logic.

Furthermore, I would contend that this qacha [shorts in colloquial Punjabi] suggestion is rather prophetic in nature. It is just a matter of time that the overwhelming majority of fellow Pakistanis will be forced to shorten the size of their dresses as they wouldn’t have the financial means to have something bigger and more wrapping than knickers anyway.

The unfathomable size of the cabinet, the dastardly huge fleet of bullet-proof limousines and jeeps for worthy VIPs, the number of our true democrats performing sarkari umras with their extended families, one-man referendums and political rallies with public money, and colossal overheads to shield our generals from hostile elements, are factors which are inversely proportional to the size of trousers the ordinary mortals afford to wear. Simple: the citizens’ cloth consumption has to be radically rationalized for not going bust as a nation state.

Actually, shorts can be made even trendier by removing the mid-partition, transforming them into modern mini skirts. Yet another enlightened and moderate alternative. Trim the shorts further and you have a nice bikini – free of cost. In the absence of beaches and swimming pools, we can go around sunbathing wearing these downsized shalwars, or beachwear if you prefer to call them so. The more intake of Vitamin D will make the nation healthier. More tanned we are, more “Fair and Lovely” and “Stillman’s Bleach Cream” we will consume, triggering a chain reaction that would lead to economic boom unique in human history.

If profound democratic traditions, rule of the law, justice and social equality, of the West, have failed to inspire us, it doesn’t mean we are not entitled to ape their superficial features either. When nobler concepts like democracy malfunction in our peculiar cultural and political milieu, starting with shallower traits is the second best option. If a state miserably fails to guarantee fundamental human rights, it should at the least promote personal freedom of progressive nudity.

As a bonus, knickers, shorts, bikinis and qachas will also drastically cheer up our image abroad, making us a model country for the Muslim world. Understandably, unarmed, half naked Pakistanis of both sexes and all colours strutting about will instantly dispel the misconception that Pakistan is a hotbed of terrorism. Meera & Co. in shorts, as short as possible, doing Zuhr work-out at Fortress and leading Maghrib aerobics at Minar-e-Pakistan Monday-Friday, co-sponsored by Always sanitary pads and Veet hair removing cream, would just be a perfect touch to an ad campaign Nachta - Koodta Modern Pakistan.

Traditional langots (recyclable environment-friendly diapers of cloth) for toddlers, shorts for women, qachas for gents, ushering us in eternal prosperity – what more can we ask for from our masters? Hopefully, Mr Musharraf will now start the charity from home making his wife, daughter and daughter-in-law wear shorts and mini-blouses – preferably starting from March 23 military parade. Those who don’t like what they see can either change the TV channel or shut their eyes. Simple.

Finally, by any standard, it would be a gross insult to the father of the nation to collectively hail the civilian clowns of the ruling configuration as PML (Q) - Pakistan Muslim League (Quaid-e-Azam). A much more appropriate taxonomy would be Pervez Musharraf Lotas (Qacha Brigade).