Rantings of an Aid Worker

I am in Sri Lanka to do relief work. What the hell do I know about relief work? Nothing. My lack of knowledge is frightening in an all encompassing way. I have no idea if I will be helpful at all. I’d like to think I will be, but I don’t know that. I am told I will be however so I am here for three months and I have to do what I can in the meantime.

The clean up of the bodies is over and done with and I am here in the lull between the immediate clean up and the actual reconstruction of lives. I have good intentions but who knows what that will amount to besides my smiling at people. I swore the last time I traveled (to Indonesia) that I would never again travel to a country without knowing the language. But, here I am. I don’t even know how to say thank you, please, how much or the numbers from 1-10.

I am getting by with English and hand gestures just fine, but at the same time, what arrogance with which I have come into this country feeling that perhaps I can be useful. One of the first things I learned in a community organizing class was that the effort has to be local. I am working for a local NGO (EMACE) but what do I know about the needs of the people. Can I just put a generic third world label on it and proceed in that manner?

There has been a two decade ethnic civil war in this country. The politics of the civil war are on-going and play a major role in the reconstruction. I can speak about it intelligently since I have read up about it and am constantly speaking with people about it, but now much of it have I internalized? How much do I really know about it? Is it enough? Am I short changing myself by virtue of not living here and not being Sri Lankan?

I absolutely feel like an asshole, an imposter but at the same time, I could not have sat still and just written a check from my perch on the couch in front of the television. I had to do something. I’ve flown half way around the world and now I’m sitting in an office that has no internet connection trying to pull together documents in the office to draft up proposals to get partnerships for my local NGO with US organizations like Doctors of the World, the American Indian Foundation, The American Friends Services Committee.

My “friend” D and I are the only Americans with this NGO. We are that connection and it is scary as hell. I feel under pressure to produce something. The people here are so wonderful, so selfless and their NGO has done incredible work and has great projects lined up. They are waiting for the funding.

D and I brainstorm about what we can do. We go through the different projects and figure out how we will tailor our emails to the different orgs in the US. It is incredible to see how American our minds are. Our first thought goes to the EMACE website which is less than stellar. Way less than stellar. We think about people we know who could work on it. All American. We think about ways in which to sell the NGO to the different American email addresses we have. It feels cheap but we don’t know of other ways in which to get this work done.

We can’t just send an email that says: “This NGO does great work. Send money and resources.” We think about how to write about what is going on here, how to make the material more sexy to an American audience. It’s sick and it is no longer local. We can’t just come in here for three months, waltz all over the place with our American ideas and then leave. The whole organization is about sustainability and development and we are here so temporarily. I am of course, in this mindset that once D and I leave and the structures that we will set up will collapse. How the fuck did I get so colonial? What is the middle ground here for me?

I catch myself every once in a while in this funk. For the rest of the time, I work by closing off my mind and focusing on what needs to get done. I have a list of objectives that I’ve drawn up with the staff here. It’s a good list. They are goals that can be achieved. It is day three for me and I have many more weeks to go. I have no idea what these weeks are going to bring. I guess I’m going to find out.