Searching for Infantopia

Before I became a mother, I often declared my fervent opposition to the business that education had become. The spawn of Shandana, I’d enthuse, would be home schooled. Then I had a baby. After getting an object lesson (or 200) on how difficult raising a child actually was, I retreated to “well he can go to school when he’s five, like I did.” Then he began to move around some more, sucking up yet more of my energy like a small but determined spiritual vacuum cleaner, and I rapidly lowered the school going age to 3. That way, I’d dream as I danced to the rhythm of anticipating his every need while stifling my own, I’d only have to wait another two years to reclaim some semblance of who I used to be. Then he started to walk, talk, run, drag, smash, scream, shout and bounce up and down on the cat while yelling ‘horsy horsy’, and it was decided that he was going to start playschool. Now. The point of all this being that, in all honesty, my decision to put my 18 month old in a playschool was not based on what was best for him but what was best for me. I cannot speak for others mothers, but for me playschool is a convenience, not a necessity.

All the people who’ve tried to give me positive reinforcement as I struggle with the guilt that comes from deciding to enforce a mother child separation on my little boy have at some point said “but you know now he really needs to be playing with children his own age, it’ll be good for him.” They are probably right, but mothers can ensure their child gets that much needed interaction with other ‘tiddly peeps’ (other unfortunate side effect of children, I now speak the language of Nickelodeon) by forming informal playgroups with other mothers or taking their children to parks. Singing, story telling, art activity, outdoor play, working with flashcards, all the activity that is done at playschools or pre-nursery can be done by primary caregivers at home or in conjunction with other parents. Playschools and pre-nurseries, however, don’t require the primary care giver’s participation and free up a valuable 2 to 3 hours in the morning. That time can be spent on other children, the rest of the family, work, adult play, or simply vegetating and giving tired appendages a chance to rest. If the mother works, playschool means that she is not dependant on others to take care of her child in that morning slot. Maids are not always reliable, most husbands work and even grandparents are beginning to have lives of their own, very inconsiderate I know but what can we do? Old people nowadays…

If you don’t have a real job but are your own boss, like me, that little time without the pitter-patter of little feet punctuating every sentence is precious. I have the utmost respect for mothers who are willing to sacrifice all their time and other interests to take care of their children, but I ask them, what are you going to do when your kids grow up and move out? What are you going to fill your vacant days and heart with? So write, paint, sculpt, cook, dance, teach, punch numbers, exercise or volunteer as much as you can, because one day that might be the only thing between you and the deepest loneliness.

In these times, society and individuals (at least in Karachi) have to a certain extent recognized that motherhood is only one aspect of the female of the species. The growing number of early childhood care and educational initiatives is one of the most obvious indications of this shift in attitude. A couple of big organizations have started daycare facilities for working mothers, there are some independent ones as well (different from other child care options in that they charge by the hour), and Montessori’s, nurseries and playschools are exploding in neigbourhoods across Karachi like embedded cluster bombs from the last baby wars. Before you decide to go out and get with the program though, get your facts straight.

In Karachi, daycare is a facility where children of all ages can be deposited for a duration ranging from minutes to hours while parents work, run errands or honour other commitments. Playschools, pre-nursery or toddler groups are supervised, pre-structured, ‘learning through fun’ programs for children between the ages of 18 and 36 months. Montessori or kindergartens are for the 3 and a half to five age group, geared towards preparing a child for class one, and often a part of an educational institute that offers primary, middle and secondary school as well.

Some child experts say that children are developmentally unable to learn or do focused, goal oriented activity before the age of three and hence shouldn’t be pressurized into situations where they are expected to; a couple go on to suggest that boys in particular develop social and fine motor skills far later than girls and early exposure to another gender which develops those rapidly lays the foundation for the future insecurity and defensiveness which is the hallmark of men across the globe (hey I’m summarizing here, not theorizing). Other experts say the earlier you initiate independence the better. The final word on what’s best for you child of course must inevitably belong to hostile matriarchs who say things like ‘itney choti umar may apnay bacchon ko dur kaisay rakh sakti ho zalim?’ The best response to this is generally silence. When faced with any self-appointed expert, remember that Dr. Spock’s son killed himself.

Now that we’ve established your kid is going to playschool after all, how exactly does one find the right school? Problem number 1. While local portals like etaleem.com and even a google or dogpile search under ‘playschool Pakistan’ will throw up some interesting answers, there is no ranking or comprehensive information available to searching parents. While big chains are putting up billboards and there are ads in the Sunday papers, word of mouth is still the dominant influence in determining the perceived quality of a school, at least amongst the affluent, because advertising of course, suggests that just about anyone can apply. And where would the social hierarchy be then huh? This brings me to the most annoying part, by far, of the ‘searching for a place to dump baby’ adventure…registration.

Let me state at the outset that the school acknowledged to be the best in the country does not ask parents to register until the year their child is eligible to enroll in their kindergarten section. Other, newer, schools, however, have taken the registration demand to a whole new level. One friend walked into the office of an elite nursery two months pregnant to be greeted with the words ‘you’re late’. Others ask that you register ASAP (while your child is just an unclean thought?) with a thousand rupees in cash, and also conduct a child and parents interview and test before granting admission. I say ‘granting’ because at some of the more snooty places you cant help feeling the talking head behind the desk has delusions of divinity rather than a nice jungle gym you’d like your kid to play on. What with intrusive registration forms demanding information like your official designation at your workplace and where you and your spouse went to primary school, you cannot help but feel you’re being judged on your privilege rather than your ability. By the time you and your child are called for an interview, you’re more nervous than he/she is. You forget to ask the important questions, like ‘what do YOU have to offer my child’ and ‘what happens if there is a medical emergency’?

What can you expect from a Montessori or nursery admission test? Children can be tested for motor skills, social skills and knowledge of numbers, colors, the names of farm and wild animals. Their confidence and readiness to interact with others is also considered. At one school they are made to sit opposite an adult at a desk and respond to flash cards. My kid would balk at simply sitting down. But I guess, for the segment of the population that is not currently struggling with what to eat and when school (if there is one) will be electrified, registration is a reality that is here to stay. If, like me, you wait till your child is a year and a half before looking for early education options, you will be hard pressed to find place at any of the ‘reputed’ ones. Good thing reputed often means ‘expensive’ rather that ‘excellent.’ While the more expensive schools do indeed channel their high fees into facilitates, updated methods and teacher training that is a cut above the rest, in my mind the exclusivity of their student body is also a disadvantage.

So which would you prefer? Rs. 1500 a month for two and a half hours, five days a week at a nationwide chain, or Rs.35,000 admission fee and Rs. 5,000 a month at a private school? The cost-effectiveness of home care or the convenience of the financial happy medium? Why aspire to downward mobility rather than upward, leave the future of your child to chance rather than pre-birth planning? Call me silly. I deserve it, considering I did actually consider paying a Rs. 35,000 admission fee and 5000 a month for my infant son’s early education before opting for a cheaper option with a diversity of socio-economic backgrounds. The way I see it, it’s that or college.