Say No to Education

Say No to Education

Yes, you heard it right! This is specially true if you live in the U.S. of A.

After painstakingly surveying the employment landscape and interviewing several desis (sample size=4 and statistical margin of error=+/-50), I have reached the conclusion that education is the bane of desis who wish to live a life of financial freedom and luxury in this country. Before we delve any further into this issue, let us look at some comparative studies:

Raza (real name withheld)
Raza graduated from UT Austin in 1996. While at school, he worked his butt off to maintain a 3.75+ GPA throughout his academic stay. When his friends went partying, he went to the library. After graduation, he got a terrific job and started moving up the corporate ladder. However, soon the economy turned sour
and the promotions and pay raises just ceased to exist. Its only then he realized that it doesn’t matter how smart he was or how hard he worked (he worked 12 hours daily just to keep his job), he just wasn’t making enough money to live a decent lifestyle. Thanks to his academic background and rational thinking, he
had no street smarts left and depended on corporate America to show him the way. What can he expect to accomplish? Maybe have enough in his 401k (lets hope the employer at least matches his contribution) when he retires and, after working a
gazillion hours, to get a 2% annual bonus (provided there is anything left after the exec management gives itself huge bonuses.) He also has his eyes on the new Honda Accord, but cannot afford it due to rising health insurance premiums.

Adnan (no relation to author)
Adnan started out at University of SmallTownUSA pursuing a bachelor’s in chemistry. When the heat got too much for him to handle, he decided to get out of the proverbial science kitchen and switched to marketing. This provided him with ample opportunity to hang out with gori chicks in the marketing department (again, poor Raza was at a disadvantage here ’cause gori chicks and computer science are like oil and water.) His transformation from FOB to party animal took all but one semester. Soon, he started working at a gas station to support his extravagant lifestyle. The lessons he learned from the gas station business helped him buy one of his own before Raza graduated. Today, he owns four gas stations, gets construction projects for building gas stations. He works hard but its well worth the effort. So what can he expect to accomplish? This year his target is to increase his take-home income from $700,000 to $800,000 and, oh by the way, his wife couldn’t find the right options on her BMW 7 series, so he plans to custom-order one directly from Germany.

Minhaj (this is his real name)
Minhaj came from Pakistan when he was 28. He had no aspirations of ever going to college. He was often the butt of jokes by ABCDs (American born confused desis) and DCBAs (Desh choRa bunay Americans, of whose variety is in abundance at chowk). He got into the "import/export" business (and we all know what that means), and made it big. I guess there is no need to rub it in any further. Lets just say that he has a five-car garage.

Now, the resident intellectuals of chowk would retort with lame arguments like, "yeah, but when Adnan sits amongst friends, his lack of education and sophistication makes him look so dumb! I mean he thought Kafka was a new kebab roll..." Oh pleeeeaaase!!!! First of all, Adnan has no need to sit with the so-called intellectuals. He prefers to drive around in his new Mercedes checking out the new top-of-the-line stereo system. Besides, the ability to wax eloquent about Jhumpha Lahiri’s amazing insights does not put bread on your table. I mean, come on, Jhumpha Lahiri is not going to send you a small donation from her Pulitzer Prize-money for talking favorably about her. She’s probably busy driving around in her Mercedes checking out the top-of-the-line stereo system.

In a truly capitalistic society, intellect is a curse. If I ever get any money, I will hire Jhumpha Lahiri to warn people about the excesses of education. We’ll run public service ads on NBC that would go something like this:

"School got you down? Your science teacher bugging you too much? Run away ... run away from home and start a small business."

Say no to education! Take hold of your future!