mennu aakay bachalo... aye lokki mera veya kara chhaddaNR Gay!!

"Is this some kind of a stupid, third class joke?

I looked uninterested…

"Batao… dimagh thikaanay hai. Tum wakai serious ho?"

"Mom.. I cant… I CANNOT marry that guy. Never! This is so not happening. Haven’t you heard enough?"

"And I’ve had enough too… kya mussla hai uss meiN? Dimagh thikaanay hai? Ye kaisi oNgi-boNgi baateiN kar rahi ho?"

"Mom.. I am serious. This topic is closed for all further discussion… NOW!"

Mom gives me the i-dare-you look…

Pfft… ! "WHAT?"

"I don’t get it… you don’t want to marry him ’cause he wears contact lenses??!!"

"Hold on! Huuuge correction… not contacts… that’s COLOURED CONTACT LENSES… I cannot marry a man who sports colored contact lenses… "

Mum looks at me incredulously…

"Mum.. its incredibly gay… did you see him? Did you see him blinking again and again at us? I dunno if they were irritating him or if he was trying to make sure the whole family gets a good view of his silly contacts… imagine if he wore it only before coming to meet us?.. Like every time he has to go out for a special meeting?.. to make sure he looks good? Like a frikking makeup accessory! BLECH!… CAN U IMAGINE HOW FRIKKIN GAY THAT IS?"

"I can’t and I don’t… muje nahiN pata tum log aaj kal kya anaab shanaap boltay rehtay ho"

"That’s like a man wearing lipstick. Mum, aap nahiN samjheiN gee.. inheiN na boldeiN.. ye nahiN ho sakta… uss nay.. uss banday nay… apni aankhaiN raNgee hui theeN… mama.. that is a bandi thing. BandiyaN karti haiN… MARD NAHIN."

"So my very educated and very liberal daughter is being a sexist?"

That hit. hard.

"Jee nahiN… aap samajhneiN ki koshish kareN… imagine kareN… how did he go shopping for it? ’No, I wanna try the hazel ones… naa… the grey-blue one’s like aishwariya rai… and Ocean blue?.. how do you think that looks in my eyes… do I look any prettier?’"

"You thought….. aaaaaaall that?"

*Shrugs*

"You’re over exaggerating … pata nahiN kyuN tum ye.. ye gay issue raise kardeti ho. Uss bar tumheiN voh vaala isiliye nahiN pasand aaya tha kyuNke ’he laughed gay’.. and now this"

"Mom. Please… don’t use that on me. ’O’ did have a gay laughter. You know that. He was giggling…. Blatantly, shamelessly, in our faces, sitting in our living room, throughout the hallway… Don’t deny it. He was a big no-no and so is this… what a great kismet! I cant help it! Bottomline- I am not marrying gays!"

"That is so opinionated. Had he not been wearing the colored accessories, would you have considered?"

"That doesn’t matter… fact is-"

"Would you?"

"Perhaps yes… but the fact is-"

"You’re myopic"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ma… please. I don’t know how to make you understand what gay is.. but that is gay! Coloring his eyes up… for an occasion.. how he goes about maintaining his "wide variety" of colored contacts, spending time over thinking which one to wear for the day.. matching them with his attire…get it?.. I always always always told you… handsome, nice, intelligent and money-making men are GAY!"