From today’s Maharashtra Herald/op-ed

Does anybody know what the legal or technical definition of the word "VIP" is? Yes, we all know that a "VIP" elongates itself into a "Very Important Person" and that a "VVIP" manifests itself as a "Very Very Important Person". As on date, it also represents the brand name for a very smart manufacturer of suitcases. But how does this alleged category in which an increasingly vast number of people keep placing themselves or being placed, now continue to grow to such an extent, that it has started impacting not just the expenses heading upwards involved in keeping them going, but also impacted receipts downwards in keeping with their habits of not wanting to pay?

To most of us, a VIP represents an avoidable interference in the hoped for reasonably smooth operation of an already difficult life. Causing traffic jams, using up scarce resources, difficult to carry around, weighs a lot usually, this, and more, has come to symbolise the aura a VIP carries along. Yes, I know, some models come with handles and are quite decent and use lightweight material, but mostly, a VIP is a Very Intense Pain for others. Like a suitcase that bumps into you when least expected, or over which you trip when not careful.

But it, the term VIP, is still not defined.

To figure this out, your humble correspondent set off on what we shall call, for lack of a better word, the Great VIP hunt, a few months ago. The search continues, but in the period ad interim, we have some very interesting results coming our way.

The first and most important re-validation was that in almost all cases when I spoke with junior and middle and even senior level policemen and policewomen, they told me that most people who think that they are "VIPs" feel that the term "VIP" stands for "Very Impossible Phukat", or "Very Indignant Phukat" and sometimes even "Very Indecent Phukat", where Phukat was a reflection on their attitude towards anything and everything. Importance and Person is put aside, everything becomes an issue dominated by an unwillingness to pay for anything. And most of the times, this manifests itself in an attitude which those who serve "VIPs" refer to as "Phukat-type".

So I went to see where I can observe these "V.I.Phukats" properly, in their natural habitats. And if I could learn more about them.

First off, I went to that wonderful place called "airport", represented at Pune by our very own increasingly congested and crowded Lohegaon Civil Enclave operated by the Airports Authority of India (AAI) which reports to the Ministry of Civil Aviation, located within an Air Force Station which reports to the Ministry of Defence. The huge mural inside, on one side of the terminal, represents to my knowledge the importance of many good human qualities, most of all that of humility. You can not miss it, right above the Reserved VIP lounge, where most of our Pune Phukats gather, and practice anything but humility. It is operated by the AAI, obviously, and phukat-mein.

So I got hold of their list, the latest copy of which is dated 14th of October 2005, which places 57 categories of persons who qualify. A back-of-the-envelope and quick calculation shows that as far as the AAI is concerned, almost 1,70,000 persons come into this list, and as if that was not enough, they also add at the bottom, "any other person authorised". To my sadness and shame as a media columnist, this list also includes "eminent press dignitaries of UNI, PTI, etc". But then, it also includes, for example, Councillors of the Darjeeling Gorkha Hill Council. Pretty much anybody who asks, I guess, and many who don’t.

Now that’s a whole lot of Phukats, coming adrift and amongst other things, parking free of charge.

But with the Ministry of Defence, and I met the seniormost people in the Army, Air Force and Navy in the course of this hunt, all told me that the term "VIP" does not exist in the Armed Forces. In any case, most everything and everybody is by rank and formation number and all sorts of other alpha-numerics as well as wierd nick-names, and that itself is complicated itself without adding some more. I mean, can you imagine calling "Bundle" a "VIP"?

So here’s part of a message I sent on the subject to the AAI:- """Are these "dignitaries and senior officers" also entitled to eat food at the AAI cafeteria free, are they exempted from the Rs 221/- taxes and service charges levied on flights by PSU airlines like IC, did their cars get free petrol from PSU oil companies like IOC/BP/HP/IBP, did they get their cars free from previously PSU manufacturers like MUL . . ."""

I will ask my friend Capt. Shastri from AAI at Lohegaon Airport if he will help me get a reply. Actually, since this question has been filed as part of an RTI Application, I will get the reply soon anyway.

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My search also took me to the Delhi Metro Rail Corporation (DMRC). They were very prompt in responding that the term "VIP" did not exist in their lexicon. Everybody is a person, and every person pays to ride the train, or even to just visit the platform for that matter. They buy a ticket or a token, nobody rides free, and that includes the President, the Prime Minister, Chief Minister, Members of Parliament, uniformed people, even the off-duty and security staff. Some dignitaries, which includes State Guests like foreign Heads of State, are so impressed with this that they have been known to retain the token as a souvenier, for which incidentally there is a penalty. DMRC has, therefore, now designed souvenier tokens which they and you and I can buy and take away, for a price, of course.

Oh yes, there is an exception - persons who are less than about 1 metre tall, mostly called "Very Infant Persons", they ride free. Something like this, but not pertaining to the height of the person, is practised on the various bridges and toll-booths in Kolkata and specifically the DND Expressway in Delhi too, everybody pays, no VIP-Shee-Eye-Pee.

My next search then took me to the National Highways Authority of India. Here, the list of "VIPs" has grown almost 10 metres tall. It now also includes "eminent consultants". I am pleased to inform you that the subject has become a great debate between NHAI and the Ministry of Road Transport & Highways. I am also pleased to inform you that Section 409 of the IPC provides for legal punishment to Government employees who cause a loss, for example by letting vehicles use toll-roads without paying for whatever reason.

But meanwhile, in the course of this research, I discovered that the Ministry for Home Affairs also has a Director whose role is to "Matters relating to Security of VIPs". Sadly, they have also not been able to provide me with a precise definition of the term "VIP" as yet. Maybe they need help? Phukat mein? They are working on it.

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I apologise if this column has, phukat mein, spoilt your very important (time) pass. Especially if you are a "Very Incapable Phukat" reading this right now, yourself.