good article

Came across this article in Dawn’s Review..very well written and pertinent...a must-read!

Pride and prejudice
By Manizah Syed Ali

While it’s acceptable for men to have had a past full of wild flings, long romances and even a broken marriage or two, when it comes to their perspective partner-to-be she must have the morals of a saint and the piety of an angel

In the convoluted world that is me and my disdain of all things masculine –– even my cat was neutered at six months –– I have for years stubbornly refused to become a part of the charade that is a Pakistani marriage.

Being obsessed with academics and currently doing a doctorate in International Law meant in the dry world of legal theories and case studies on genocide, the chances of finding someone suitable were limited at best for me. After all it is the dream of every mother to have her daughter settle down to a life of domestic bliss with a nice, God-fearing, well-earning, if perhaps intellectually vacant dimwit. And in the dry and underpaid world of academics it’s hard to find such creatures.

And so it has been that over the past few years my long suffering parents have been parading one hapless perspective suitor after another in front of me in a vain effort to get me to finally say yes and get me safely out of their house for good. Never mind the fact that most of the men that come by the rishta gravy train are complete mama’s boys looking for domesticated, air heads that can be easily bossed around liked prized goats.

Over the course of these torture lessons, as a student of International Law I think the apt term to be applied here in my case would be “crimes against humanity!” I have noticed a rather interesting but very unfair phenomenon regarding the double standards that society applies to men and women.

That being the audacity with which men apply their bizarre and old-fashioned notions of honour and pride. While it’s acceptable for the guys to have had a past full of wild flings, long romances and even a broken marriage or two, when it comes to their perspective partner-to-be she must have the morals of a saint and the piety of an angel.

As a woman I am expected not to think twice of their indiscretions, in their eyes even a simple crush of mine is held up as a symbol of my so-called wild and wayward ways and considered not worthy of their consideration.

This bizarre ideal of “my past can be as crazy as I want to be but your past is my business” was brought to me recently when I was introduced to someone via a well-meaning aunt (its amazing how after a certain age aunts start worrying about one’s marriage prospects!) Although I found him physically repulsive for his bad teeth, short height and pot belly there was the additional serious minus mark of him having been married before.

He seemed unusually obsessed with his first wife even though their marriage had broken up five years ago. But trying to keep everyone happy and not wanting to be blamed for turning down yet another prospective suitor, I put my pride and brains aside and started corresponding with the man. I have to admit that looks aside he wasn’t bad and I did enjoy his company even though he seemed rather too intense and impulsive, proposing three days after we initially started talking.

Weeks later, however, in a rare moment of candour I admitted that years ago I had been in love with someone who had broken my heart thus accounting for my years of being single for so long. To which his attitude completely changed and he became cold and unavailable by not regularly taking my calls and answering my messages.

Finally he admitted that in the emotional dustbin that was his mind he was convinced that since I had liked someone before I met him I could never be faithful to him. My previous relationship was a sign that I was not as innocent and pure as I appeared to be and that he could not take the insult and humiliation of knowing that there had been someone else in my life before him albeit years ago.

Having no patience for the kind of emotional dramas that he was acting out I ended our brief association telling him quite firmly how he needed to sort out the mess that was inside his head. By the standards he was applying, the only way he could get remarried was if he looked for a ten-year-old who hadn’t even done her Matric from a village in Balochistan since that’s the only place he would find the “so-called paragon of virtue” he was searching for.

To expect someone in their late twenties who was educated, liberal, attractive and well-off not to have liked someone in the past was imposing a lot on that person and rather unfair as well. And in return what he was bringing to the relationship was emotional baggage the size of Titanic, a failed marriage for which he could offer no real explanation with the attitude of a Neanderthal with his head firmly stuck in the Stone Age.

Looking back at this episode I realise this man is just an example of Pakistani society’s hypocritical approach towards the sexes. While men happily go around discussing their liaisons, openly airing private details of their relationships, women have to hide their past like frightened little dormice scared of what others would say if they found out that they had taken the risk of falling in love with someone. And this idea of hiding one’s past becomes even more essential in the world of rishta marriages where even the mere hint of indiscretion is ground for being dismissed as unsuitable.

Just because I did not marry the man I liked does not mean I have to pretend that it never happened or be ashamed about it because it has made me into what I am today. And while I would never go and shout it out from the rooftops, my right to a personal life is mine alone and has nothing to do with anyone else.

And while I am not advocating for Pakistani women the kind of liberated lifestyle their western counterparts enjoy, I do think, as a person, I have a right to take risks in falling in love, wanting personal happiness just like a man and not be ashamed about it.

It is these contradictions in Pakistani society that have made us the mess that we are today. On the one hand we educate our daughters, give them books to open their minds, allow them to work outside and earn their own living. On the other, we expect them to be nuns and to never exercise human emotions such as love and desire. Or live guilt-ridden lives in which they are not allowed to make their own personal choices and depend on the moral standards of others.

My past belongs to me and if I have come to terms with it then it is nobody’s business but my own since it is my life and I am content with it. If getting married means pretending to be something I am not and forgetting the people that have made me into the person I am today then quite frankly I would rather remain single, happy with my books and cats. At least then I won’t be lying to others and becoming a stranger to myself.