downlaoding a few weeks' backlog of ramblings...

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For All Those Non-Chowk Days.

A Lot of Bits And Piecies.

All Mine.

Ramblings of the Mind.

Here now. Will be gone tommorow.

***

remote, but not quite.

atleast not in the way you would think.

surprising.

***

and that was it. is it?

now in life. think that to be either a blessing or a disaster.

since, distance is a self-achievement.

something that we applaud for. more the distance, better it gets. the pain that is. the longing. and the sensation of meeting death ... almost. with everything that does not materalise. those things that never come. people who shadow your life and remain in the fringes. illusions of midnights and pre-dawn. there and surely, not there. a strecth of hands, a voice... a shuffle. maybe half a smile. or a thought that spans an eternity.

or...

the mind pulls apart. the heart holds together. the body now unlearns. straitjacketed for long, the unwinding, the opening now happens. no time to get and stay surprised. no space for overwhelmations. no scope for considerations. no absolutely nothing no, no, no...

discovering new. with a baby mind. a girl heart. and a woman's wiles...

more the pull, more the distance.

more the achievement builds up.

***

a frame gets broken.

and everyone collects around it. around the zillions of pieces that have spilled out of a confine which held them for years. and now, they lay all around, splendid in thier glittering thousand selves. shimmering with a unision that blinded all. audacious almost.

a zillion pieces, broken, blown out. but together.

***

another illusion got broken.

all those people who i love will be safe and well. always. no doubt about that ever.

so, this one thing shakes me and throws me out of gear. nothing is as unnerving as having to watch a loved one getting shaken herself - that glint of fear, the worry lines on her forehead now showing... and a forced smile.

an effort to put me at ease. even in her own state of disturbance, her sole aim is to put others at ease, to make peace and to hold on to it. doesnt want any fights, any debate, anything that will make us spend time discussing things that will put us at loggerheads with each other. not even for a few minutes.

and this once, i fear even to joke about the guy up there. not worried about his lightining streaks that he sends out frequently to frizz me out. worried about his ego.

oby says, life is all about the choices that you make. so, you no longer have the world to put your blame on. its you, girl! that's what he says. and i take it at that.

so, it is fear time again. ok, big boss. ham darr gaye. for god's sake leave me alone and let us get on with the business of living our lives. leave my people alone...

***

she is clear.

no issues. and i can breathe again.

till i knew, i did not know that i was worrying so much and carrying loads in my head. never knew that tight feeling in my heart was not to do sc much with the going ons. it was her and she is safe.

want her to be so. always.

cant imagine her to be otherwise.

not worried so much about her. its about me. scared chikenshit. darrpok.

so what. humans do get scared. and for the likes of me, its good to get scared once in a while. you learn to value humans and relationships. and the efforts others put to maintain them. while you just loll around in all that warmth. selfishly. non-givingly. wish i knew how to reciprocate all that care. wish one knew how to be responsible.

maybe the fear of committments, responsibilities and getting involved is too much at this point of time. when non-committal is an ideal state of being.

and let go is the dhun that the heart agrees to...

let go. let go. let go.

***

and let go happened today too. saw an irresponsible, uncaring gesture. a self-indulging gesture. a performance-anxiety stricken being.

so, nerves tightened. something threatened to spill over. i could sense a fuming. knew it would consume me if i allowed it. so then, it was good that it got identified at the spur of the moment. and i held back.

and let go. in a second. decided that anything that disturbs my peace of mind, my feeling of integrity and stability will have to go. will have no space in my life. i cant afford anymore of that. so, i let go. and knew that all my people will have to go if they come anywhere near disturbing me.

i understand that. i realise that. and i accept that.

how will that be managed?

no idea. absolutely clueless. think i can survive. but no more holding on to false illusions. illusions after all, are just that - illusions. absolutely untrue. for a moment, or maybe in a phase, they cultivate dreams. and yet another fall will happen. and come on, i am growing old. cant afford anymore broken bones.

so, that is one more EXIT sign that stares point blank at me. i try to look back at it squarely. i know that is the most desired outcome.

his his whose whose.

and trust me, am all for it. nothing that ties down people, dreams, aspirations... is healthy. being tied down is a pitiable state to be in. and being unable to be assertive about it is all the more worse. i can see myself mirrored. and i hate the image that i see in there... want a clearer mirror, undistorted.

not rushing to clear things. and find solutions. and mend broken fences.
tyring instead to understand individuals. and think from thier point of view.

want to voice. want to speak. want to say all that i want to say. and clear and loud. patiently. without aggression. and doubt. and in plain words. and honestly...

when will that come back again?

honesty?

when will the spineless being beat a retreat and go back to being a struggler - upright, straight, dignified...?

grow up. the third and youngest child has now the responsibility of taking care of being self-lived. self-taken-care-of.

so, live?

***

makarandchi aai.

so much like amma. soft. her entire demeanour reminds me that i want to age like her. a woman with so much of life behind her and yet warm.

like only a mother can be. caring even for a stranger.

where do these women get their strength from? how come they carry themselves so well? how does it happen that they dont allow life to mess with them? how do they continue to be so humane?

and just what do they think they are doing by reprimanding me for my cold, my unkempt looks, my lack of attention to food...?

half an hour in my house and she left a whiff of herself all around in my house...

is that you amma making checks on me...?

***

saw a lake today.

and for the nth time wondered at its calmness. the surety with which it contains itself. allowing ripples to go forth and come back at a pace that is thier own. never pushing. never rushing. calm, calm, calm... all the time.

heard my people around me. heard their voices. heard their conversations. heard, not listened. those voices that are not necessarily addressed to me. but are inclusive.

and yet again, i wonder for the nth time at the calm, unrushed, self-propelled and deep lakes flowing all around me.

allowing, including, calming, un-rushing me ...

wish i could watch those unruffled waters for a lifetime. and wish there would always be those conversations around me that are heard and not necessarily listened...

fed up of listening.

sach mein.

***

and then again.

saw something that set me straight.

wild and hopelessly unconclusive. this will go nowhere. this will just create circles within me. and maybe that will be a whirlwind. again.

and guess who will be the biggest and the sorest of all losers?

***

there are two ways of living, says kamla bhasin. acceptance and questions.

i choose to question. and if that costs. well, then damn it. let it cost. think can afford to bear any cost except that of being a dumbstruck vegetable.

not that.

that's what we fought against, remember? being looked at as furniture, non-humans, all-understanding, giving, giving, giving... all the time.

why? i fail to understand. beyond my capacities.

so, watch out. things are blazing again. started by me - the paka hua, sadh gaya with the sameness of events, attitudes and expectations of people... seema.

***

we are working and reading a lot on reproductive health and rights. and especially that of women. am struggling real hard to understand the extensive and righteous discourse on "the benefits of contraceptives for women".

tell me the truth about it somebody.

am not convinced about it as yet.

***

met some girl. have this penchant for meeting messed up beings. birds of a feather flock together i guess. heard a lot of muck. a lot of bullshit created due to her association with a male.

what came to my mind?

clean up. mind. body. aaju-baaju. ways. clean up. clean up. clean up.
yet another woman said, (like yet another woman) wash, do the laundry, if possible go over to the neighbours to clean up. clean up and you will know where you stand.

remember a film which had laxmi. and an exceptionally strong-willed mother. following a traumatic rape incident, when the girl, broken, comes back home... her mother refuses to buckle under the pressure of feeling soiled, maimed, broken, exploited, cheated, violated... she gives her daughter an oil-bath, cleansing her thoroughly of all grime. wraps her in fresh clothes and tells her that she has been cleaned and whatever muck that she had experienced has all been washed away.

she can be herself again. infact, newer and stronger.

she says that and the daughter believes her.

trust these mothers to say and do things that nobody else in life can say...

***