Not enough ... I'm sorry...

Him: So whats up with you today, then?
Her: nothing!
Him: Then how come we are having weird convos?
Her: I don’t know…
Him: should I go then…?
Her: I didn’t say that!
Him: well, then why the monosyllabic answers?
Her: I don’t know!
Him: stop saying I don’t know… anyway you rest, I’m off… let me know whenever you know, what you don‘t know… bye.
Her: yup bye….


[Last message received at 11:45 p.m.]

She walks around, a few tears rolling down her face, while her feet feeling the cold mosaic flooring. She looks out at the pitch black scene that is mostly alive when it’s a weekend. She walks into the kitchen, and looks for a scissor. These days scissors come in all weird shapes and sizes, yet she owns just one. The one that will help her deciding what she has been having on her mind for so long. The past few weeks have bothered her, perhaps she knew time is always there to wait for some, while others see it fly.

She cuts off the phone line. It took mum three weeks to get the best quality wire for this, she thinks. Maybe the hardest part is finding, and the easiest is to cut it off and throw it off. Looks like a dead snake to her now.

She picks up her phone, her smile through the wallpaper glaring back at her. She loves taking pictures, doesn’t she? Maybe she always wanted someone to say she’s the most beautiful woman on earth. The funny thing is, now everyone says it and she doesn’t want to hear it. Ever! The clock at the side shows 12:06 a.m. Wow, new day.

She types out a small message… she knows it won’t get to him, as usual. The connection has been as lousy as her inner self about everything. Don’t know how the world is still revolving while she remains still, staring at nothingness, thinking about nothing for hours. Weird thoughts occupy her mind ,now, while she types…

“Yep, things are mostly wrong with me, and I still don’t know anything… don’t know how I reached here, don’t know what I am looking for… don’t know what to say… don’t know when my punishment will come to an end. Till then, I will still love you”

She reads it once, presses send and waits for a minute before sending another text. “And I’m sorry”.

She goes into her mother’s room, where she is sleeping soundly after a whole day of hectic work. She can’t see her face because of the dark but still can figure out a deep blue phone at her side. She picks it up and walks out. Going back to the kitchen, she fills a bowl with water and drops the phone into the bowl. It lights up, with a few bubbles coming out of it. She smiles looking at it… looks like a suffocating body.

And then her own phone lights up with a text…

“Hey no need for a sorry, everyone goes through a tough day. Cheer up, I m thinking about you…bye!”

Indeed, he didn’t get the part one. Sigh*… these weak communication systems aren’t going to help her change her mind now. She hurriedly replies back “yup ok, bye!”.

And drops her phone in the bowl too. She loves water. It can silence so much and never let out a tale out ever to the world. So very full of dark secrets. So many ship wrecks, flooding, screams, lies, deceits, deaths.

And now she extends her hand towards the strongest, shiniest and brightest looking knife in there. She loves sharp things. They give this false sense of strength to themselves and the bearer. She walks back to her room with it and picks up her water bottle which was filled up in the morning. Perhaps, her conscience was planning to take this step some time sooner than this. But night helps in dousing the mind with the worst of nostalgia and sense of defeat.

She sits on her bed while staring at her laptop’s screen. She still remembers the day she got it. She thought then, it was the solution to all of her problems and needs. Maybe not today. She twists open the water bottle and drinks a bit to taste the almost warm water. Tastes like death, she feels. And then places a little yellowish pill in her mouth and sips some more. She moves forward to her laptop and clicks at the folder full of his pictures. She tries to decide to maximize one of the pictures in there, but then turns on the slideshow. After all, life is a fast slide show too. Or at least it is now.

While placing the earphone in her ear she hears a voice that she thought was soothing once. It was one of the band members of the band Our Lady Peace. Not enough. The voice was screaming what her inner voice was screaming too… its NOT ENOUGH! Ah well, hardly is it that she’s ever satisfied with herself. Then the pair of eyes on the slideshow staring back at her. Not his fault…

“its nothing you can say,
nothing you can do,
Its nothing in between, you know the truth,
Nothing is left to face,
Its nothing left to lose,
NOTHING takes your place…”


Some strangers turn into so much more than one can ask for. Did she ever ask for this? She asks that a number of times a day for nothing. Maybe … she really doesn’t know.

“when they say you are not that strong,
You are not that weak,
Its not your fault…”

Some times life gives no choice, no will and no support. She did have support but she was too weak herself. From the inside till outside. Some people just suffer because of others’ stupid mistakes. Mistakes they did on purpose. Yet, people like her will continue to make mistakes… mistakes she is also about to do on purpose.

“its nothing left to prove,
Its nothing I wont do,
Its nothing like the pain,
I feel for you…
Nothing left to hide,
Nothing left to feel…
I am always here…”

She turns off the light of her room, walks silently towards her bathroom, locks it up and curls on the floor below the sink. Something in that bathroom awaits the taste of her soul. The pill helped in thinning her blood to such an awesome extent, nothing will stop it from flowing out smoothly.

............

4:42 a.m. He hears a voice of someone familiar...

"When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well"