What's in a name: Cigar, Goonga, Khaki Flash, and ZINA

Okay folks, strap on your seat belts, the stream of consciousness jet is about to take off.

In no particular order, here are some random analyses made by a random stranger on the anonymous site, chowk.com

[first a clarification. A lot of you wrote to me to ask me if I had implied that Augustine was a guy and had been masquerading as a girl? I should reassure you that Augustine is very much a girl, why, we even shared samosa and tea one afternoon during ramzan, in the wonderful Clifton cafe in Karachi].

Goonga
=====

Kambakht He taunts us with this nick. We think baichara goonga hai. He is about as goonga as Sultan Rahi's lalkar on his best day. Although he is given to snickering (khe khe khe) often, his words are like those of mustafa qureishi. You hear them, you feel the sarcasm dripping off them like acid from a leaky car battery, but you revel in them nonetheless.

Goonga reminds me of a tiny cousin of mine, when we were younger. She was a baby, and a bit premature. For the longest time, she never said a word. I mean literally. Not a word. Not mamma, pappa, biryani....nothing bipcus. We thought she was mute. Then one day, at the tender age of 4, not having said a word in her entire short life, she spoke.

In perfect urdu. Nafees khalees...just perfectly thought out impeccably formed sentences. We were all shocked and blown away.

It seems, she just did not feel there was anything interesting to comment on earlier. So she did what is the sunnah in this case "If you don't have anything interesting or productive to say, don't say anything".

Goonga unfortunately does not follow this hadith. He talks. A lot. All the time. Unwarranted. The nick is his inner desire to be wiser and learn to zip up once in a while. I think it is like a 12 step program for him, although he is on step 13, I still have hope.

Khakiflash
======

Ah...this is rich. Khakiflash, our sole gay member (for like Iran, chowk also does not have homosexuals), is the alter ego of Atif 2, the self-confessed crusader against homosexuality.

Things don't get more black and white in this. As comic books show us, every hero has a villain, which is the negation of the ego. The complete and perfect opposite of what one is to the other. Together, atif and khaki are the perfect ying and yang.

The khakiflash nick itself is a great advertising ploy. The picture on the profile is indeed a bit of a flash. One may think that brown sahib goes to hyde park and moons the early morning joggers. Hence the khakiflash.

But consider this hypothesis if you will. In the perfect world, a battle rages inside Atif2, his latent homosexuality, which he suppresses with all his might, forces itself out, as the manifestation of an openly gay entity: Khaki flash. Is it not like the comic book hero living two lives, Clark Kent and Superman, Peter Parker and Spiderman, Bruce Wayne and Batman?

Curious is it not?

A separate question? Why do all these superhero entities dress in leotards and flashy clothes, and have to remind us of their masculinity by appending the mandatory -man at the end? Spiderman, Superman, Batman.

The question I pose to you is this: If we have Clark Kent and Superman, can we not have Atif2 and KhakiFlash(man)?


ZINA
===

When Zia-ul-haq was in power, he really became fascinated with all aspects of zina. He loved it. He formulated all sorts of laws to make sure that the men got off scott free, but women, victim or not, would get punished. He succeeded in trampling 50% of Pakistan with his love for all things Zina.

So ZINA is a nick that makes me ponder? Which Zina is this? The "big one" or the little one?

Zina, and its treatment, btw, are a handy tool for separating the wheat from the chaff. If you go through the Quran and the hadith, you then the translations and the sharia that has been invented since, you begin to see just about when Islam took a serious downward turn. Much of the bida (excessive creations, in this case, by mullahs against women) have become religion. Which is the ultimate zina.

Exhibit A:
"Allah (SWT) has prescribed Hadd punishment for adultery. What is the punishment for adultery? According to the Qur'an, the punishment is Flogging with a 100 stripes (both for men and women) [24:2]. The punishment for ‘faahishah’ which means gross indecency (e.g. stripping naked or 'being lewd' in public), according to the Qur'an is "confine them to houses until death do claim them (lifelong house arrest - for the women) [4:15]. For men: "If they repent and amend, leave them alone" [4:16]."
(http://www.irfi.org/articles/articles_51_100/zina_and_rajm.h tm)

Ahem.

yup. right. Could I get a second opinion on that translation please? Thanks.

oh wait, I do have a second opinion,

"AND AS FOR those of your women who become guilty of immoral conduct, call upon four from among you who have witnessed their guilt; and if these bear witness thereto, confine the guilty women* to their houses until death takes them away or God opens for them a way [through repentance]. (4: 16) And punish [thus] both of the guilty parties;** but if they both repent and mend their ways, leave them alone: for, behold, God is an acceptor of repentance, a dispenser of grace.***" (http://www.geocities.com/masad02/004)

Already a big difference. I could get a 3rd opinion, but you catch my drift :)

So that's the analysis of Zina. But hey, she could have chosen that nick for Zina the warrior princess (or is it Zena the Warrior princess). Or better yet, Zina could be a guy. what do I know?

Cigar
===

Cigar has a fascination for hands. Aptly so. For a cigar needs a hand to roll it, to light it, and to hold it while it is being smoked.

The profile picture of Cigar is .... a hand.

Furthermore, she mentioned something about a colleague of hers, that lecherous guy who is one scary mofo, a giant in build, with very strong hands. I pounced on this right away in her iLogs, and she gave me some mumbo jumbo about a kiddy laptop with a tiny keyboard and how they both felt like giants, using it. But we get it. You have a fascination with hands. And we understand.

Cigars. The best ones are from a land I like very much. The land of commandante. Of beloved che. Of Salsa and ancient American cars. The land of black beans and plantains and fried chicken with rice. The glorious Havana (glorious no more). Finally, the land of Cohibas, and Romeo and Juliet’s. The land of cigars.

Just a couple of weeks ago, a moorakh (white one in this case) said "I don't get it. What is so special about cuban cigars"?

Cigar, if only you were there, you would have been proud. (although you are not cuban, nonetheless).

Another friend opined that cuban cigars are so great because they are rolled by beautiful cuban women, delicately and sensually, on their own bare thighs.

I, however, disabused them of this romantic notion, and told them of Javier, and Raul, and Emilio, all old toothless men, who rolled the cigars, as many of their comrades did, on tables, with the utmost care.

So why are cuban cigars so special? First, it is the land, it is like a humidor, perfect for growing that tobacco, and perfect for storing it. Then it is the craftsmanship of these oldies that know just how to roll the cigar, finally, it is the country itself that holds onto that cigar for years, in the perfect humidity. Just right.

A cigar is associated with hyper masculinity. Of men asserting power. But in the hands of women (and we won't even mention unmentionables and monica lewinsky here), they become a symbol of liberation and dominance. I am not only your equal, she declares, I may crush you under my hyper masculinity. Don't fuk with me, is her message. (not a very good way to assert one's position in the power struggle, as cigars are deathly effective in delivering the carcinogenic payload). But there you have it.

Cigar has declared to the world: I am woman, here me roar.