Reasons?

Yesterday, I wanted to cry while hugging her. There was no one. Just a pillow. I hugged it. The feeling of it against my chest wasn't a help, as such, but, it was to some extent. And you may ask if I have ever hugged her, and felt how it feels. To hug her. HER! The only person I want to hug. Oh, but I have. She has hugged me too. She put her head on my shoulders once, on the roof of her house, when I had grabbed her while she was drunk. For 3 seconds, her head was there, on my right shoulder, and for that moment, I was higher than that roof of hers. I was high above the clouds. But, it may just be a "dream", but at least, for a while, I felt home.
Its always home with HER.
She is a liar. One big liar. But I dont blame her. Its what she HAS to do. For him and for me and for herself. There is no one as great as her. SHe is the only one. No one compares her, in any way. When I found her, slowly I learned, that no one compares her.
And then there is silence. It gives me a feeling in my gut. The silence when she is there in front of me. It is much more powerful than words. Its much deeper.
And her gaze. She has the most beautiful brown eyes, but its not just the eyes, because a lot of people have beautiful eyes. Its how a person is from inside, what they are saying with those eyes, that attracts me. Her gaze is not like others. Her speech with her eyes is nothing like anyone else. Ive known people all my life, but no one has THAT look, that gaze.
And he tells me i will find more, better people. But is it about more and better people? Never. Its about HER. There is no HER, besides herself.
Once she asked me if I would marry someone who was exactly like her, in all the ways, and I said NO. Maybe ill have sex with her and stuff, you know, because she LOOKS like her. But is it all about looks? If it were, id be with someone right now. Then what is it about? Its about everything and its about things I dont even KNOW. And sometimes its about nothing. Its just HER. I feel her so deep, I get lost inside myself.
There is no reason for loving her, being in love with her.
Yes, there are reasons for liking her, for having a crush, or being turned on by her, by her works, her art and personality, but for being in love? No reason. Its a separate thing that I cannot have for anyone else.
And so, if I have to be messed up all my life, it is worth it, because I want it to be her.
She is in everything I do and see and feel and write or draw or play on my guitar.
And she will be.