insomniac-ally speaking

Stupid stupid cycle. This tiny little circle that my mind keeps running in. It’s tiring. It’s draining. And it’s so flamboyantly idiotic that even I have to laugh at myself some times.

This loadshedding thing isn’t helping. Can’t sleep much. So now, from the four hours of sleep I’m down to something like two. As a result, I’m walking around either wired or zombied or both. Not good. In this sleep-harassed state I smiled at this aunty yesterday and then she walked up to me and started telling me how she spent fifteen minutes looking for parking outside the building. *shrug* Don’t ask me why, what, who okay? I have no idea. I stood there, smiled, sipped my coffee, craved some nicotine and agreed with pretty much everything this stranger said in the nodding-head-in-silence way. If I’m not making sense right now it’s because I don’t know what sense is and plus, even if I knew, I don’t feel like making any. *shrug*

But yeah, about the circles. I’m running, walking, sauntering, crawling – but all in this tight little circle. I keep bumping into the same old people. They keep doing the same old things. I keep reacting in the same old way. And so, everything keeps happening in the same old pattern. Ni-iice. How novel and refreshing is that? I’m living a déjà vu life.

And while we’re at the whole déjà vu thing – I’ve tumbled right into Achtung Baby all over again. It’s like 1991 when the album came out and every single song hit home. I wanted to listen to them all at the same time. Can’t stand those people who keep saying The Joshua Tree was the ultimate album. I mean, hello, are you deaf? Zoo Station, Even Better Than The Real Thing, Mysterious Ways, Ultraviolet, Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses, So Cruel and ohmygawd – The Fly. In the face of all that (and more) you cannot say U2 didn’t reinvent, create and dream up the best frikkin music ever. I keep forgetting how their music drives me mad. I am mad now. The sleep deprivation isn’t helping. Sleep deprived exposure to Achtung Baby is as good as any weed you can get.

Or so I think.

Or it could just be the lack of sleep.

I suspect it is. I just went to get some coffee. While they fixed me the latte, I stood there, chit chatted, paid up, collected my change, turned around and walked out. I didn’t even remember to take my coffee till they yelled out. Shit. It’s the age too methinks. A couple of years ago I could go way longer (and saner) without sleep. Now? Now I’m just useless. I can’t work. I can’t think. I’m hungry I think but I can’t eat. I could barely drive home from work last evening and it was even worse driving to work this morning.

However, as saving grace, I realize that this is a problem. Yes yes, I am worrying. So, aha, after the coffee fiasco I went and bought some drowsiness inducing anti-histamines (I just can’t do the whole sleeping pill thing okay). Righty then. I’m going to pop one as soon as I get home this evening and just maybe I’ll be able to say ‘hi’ to a couple of dreams. Who knows. One must always hope. “Hope is a good thing” remember? Of course, in the same movie, hope was also a “dangerous thing”. What was it Red said… “Hope can drive a man insane.”? Yeah. Hah. Tell me about it. I’ve been hoping for atleast a decade and how sane do I look/sound to you?

Yeup. You don’t have to answer that. It was one of those rhetorical questions.

It’s going to rain in Karachi soon. We’re all going to drown again soon. These guys will never finish the rain drain construction on time. So now, in addition to flooded roads and houses, we’ll have these huge ass pits that our cars will fall into because we won’t be able to see the submerged pits now will we? Nope. Ra ra ra..fun times ahead.

Fun reminds me, I haven’t had any in a while. Kind of like white wine, haven’t had any in a while. Kind of like a vacation, haven’t taken one in a while. Kind of like a connection moment, haven’t met anyone interesting in a while. Kind of like a life, haven’t had one in a while.

But hey, I just found Achtung Baby again.

I think I’m fleetingly happy. And with the anti-histamines by tonight – I’ll be happy, high and talking to my cats who’ll, yes yes, be talking right back to me. It’s possible we’ll even be singing bits and pieces from The Fly…

“A man will beg,
A man will crawl,
On the sheer face of love,
Like a fly on a wall
It's no secret at all.

It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest.
It's no secret ambition bites the nails of success.
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief;
All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief.”


04/06/08; 4:54pm