colour coded

Yeah. Anger defines me.

Then there’s that circle thing.

Then there’s the living in my head thing.

Yeah. Anger, circles and an inside world define me.

Dive deeper into the calm. It’s blue. It’s placid. It’s soft. I hate the water. But I stifle that reflex. Stamp it out.

So it’s calm. It’s quiet. It’s still enough.

You know I’ll need some music here? Like just a bit of guitar to get me through this inversed vertical transition. Just a little. Just a couple of riffs please. I’m not an addict. I’m just hooked.

He asked me why I’m so angry. I wasn’t even angry then. But I don’t think he was talking about just then. He was talking about me. All the time. I, the angry, angst, restless woman who can’t decide what to do with her hair today.

Yeah. Noticing the mood inconsistency today?

I’m trying to sink into the calm but I’m not good at that. The mind’s working on multiple parallels. There’s the need to grasp a song, like, literally. There’s an urge to walk down Quex Road. There’s a craving for some black. But no – sink into blue. Not black. Blue blue blue.

Not even scarlet. Would a bright orange be permissible? Reminds me of fire you see. Fire. Heat. Bright. Burn. Anger?

Shit. How the hell do I do this.

Wait.

Here’s Anger. *here* Sitting on a barstool in front of me. *here* We could talk. I could ask why it hangs around me, in me, so much. Why it’s my crutch through everything. Why I can’t move my limbs to do much without it. Why happy makes me defenseless. Why content never really swings by because it can’t find an inch on the stool. Anger needs to lose some weight. It’s frikkin obese. It has an eating disorder for one. Then I don’t help by feeding it too much. Multiple meals a day. Laden with everything that’s healthy for the fat cells. Yeah, I’m generous with Anger. Isn’t it rude not to be hospitable? It is I’m sure.

What are you? A frikkin size 20?

*sigh*

Yeah. I’ve lost my little mind today. Think it went for a walk on Wednesday and never came back.

I’m not angry today. I’m just confused. A little bewildered. And a lot grey.

What if I paint some of this grey on Anger? That would tone down the red wouldn’t it? What colour do you get when you add grey to red? Hrm. Wonder wonder wonder.

Think. Re-think. Ponder. And analyse.

The eyes
That closed.
The arm that reached out
The hand I grasped.
The forehead I ran my fingers across
The hair I pushed back.

I wasn’t angry then. I’m not angry now. Did I tell you I’m just grey? I did.

Funny, how a friend said my life was a little like Grey’s Anatomy a few weeks ago. Hah. Ironic huh?

Yeah, exactly, whatever. You don’t care. Why am I telling you all this?

Anger. I’m going to paint it with some grey today.

But I really just want black.


20/08/08; 12:15pm