A Nation of Eunuchs

No, we are worse! An army of eunuchs – for those who don’t get it, it means khusra, hejda – with such expensive arsenal and a nuclear bum would do far better than our army. I can only imagine.

Let me explain the cause of my rage against an institution which I longed to be a part of. One day, we are told that Pakistan’s sovereignty will be defended ‘at all cost’. Next day, Americans attack again and the defenders of our sovereignty do nothing. As this was not enough a proof of our helplessness, the field commanders are ordered to prevent any cross border incursions, tells us the Army’s media boy. And yet again, Americans do it. And you don’t fire a single bullet to defend Pakistan’s sovereignty General.

Shouldn’t I be enraged! Shouldn’t every Pakistani be enraged who pay for all the splendour Pakistan Army is at this abject surrender! Haven’t we had our fair share of surrenders from Dacca to Kargil. I am sure none of the readers is too old or too young to forget any of these degenerating wounds our army inflicted upon us.

What good is our Army for! What good are these one million people eating away our 40% of budget are for! You might say nothing, nada, zilch, as I thought.

But no, I was wrong. They are good at creating real estate projects, a new GHQ a testimony to their expertise, cleaning – for the heck of it – the cantonments (I believe we all have seen ganti-belcha platoons working vigorously at something or the other), and the Rommels playing Golf, and aspirant Rommels at managing bakeries, studying for the Staff College exams and playing bridge. They are really good at all this. (An aside: This reminds me Nilofar Iqba’s gut-wrenching short story characterizing Sepahi Sher Ali feeding the dogs of General Babbar Ali. I never believed it was fiction. Everyone must read this in her short story anthology titled Ghanti)

And what good our nuclear bums are for? For sure, these are proving good for nothing – in fact a liability; this is what we inflicted miseries on this generation and our generations to come.

I have consciously avoided bringing politicians in this until now. They have proved their incompetence once again. I want to pull my few available hair when I see Henry Shah Mahmood Kissinger telling us – in his pathetically sugary tone – that incursions should not happen from our side too, if we demand Americans not to do the same. Wow Shah Mahmood Kissinger – for this, I would have mistaken you for Condi Rice if your puffed grey hair were not so conspicuous. Perhaps, you are better off running and dodging – albeit failingly – the police in the pseudo long marches; diplomacy is not your cup of tea.

We – the masses – may say that ‘aik machar admi ko hejda bana deta hai’ (a mosquito makes eunuch of a man), and we have plenty of them. The point is not that they have made us eunuchs; we have allowed them to make us eunuchs. What stops us from throwing them out, once for all?

Given the situation that it is, let me humbly submit the following:

First of all, we should throw the bums (all of them) in gutter. Or give them to more worthy nations like Iran or North Korea and let the masses have some fun for all the misery they have gone through over last 40 years.

Second of all, convert Pakistan Army into a real estate development company, Emmar of sorts- something the boys are good at and importantly enjoy doing too. Have a look at the master pieces they have created.

Once this is done, give all the expensive weaponry to the ‘Trigger Happy’ tribesmen. Thank you General Abbas Athar (or Athar Abbas- does it make any difference) for this gem – Trigger Happy. I admire those trigger happy tribesmen solely because they do what they say, and hate you because you don’t do what you are supposed to do.

Third of all, Pakistan should be leased to Yanks. This ‘might’ as well solve the inflation and power shortages. Their record in Iraq does not give them any good name, but we don’t have other good buyers. It will become more bearable for masses too; slaves don’t have high expectations from your masters.

And finally, all mosquitos – including the Rommels – be dispatched to Europe or America where they should get their biographies written. Send Humayun Gohar with them. He will be jobless in Pakistan. If Rommels leave, who will manage their real estate business? Don’t worry – they will find out a creative way to do so. They are more businessmen then they are soldiers and will avert business loss at any cost.

I know none of this is going to happen. Our days of tribulation are not over.

But then why deny it. Why to say that we are a sovereign nation? I don’t see the point of advice mongering pundits when they tell us such utopian statements; we should tell Americans to stop this, and we should fight this war on our own terms and so on. All this may provide a ceretonium kick to you – for having said what you believe in, doing your job, standing for your ideals and stuff – but alas, nothing else. Dear sirs, accept this: beggars are not choosers; this is not for us. So please no more of such junk.

And General Sahib, you too please. Tell us you can not do anything. We will forgive you. We are a forgiving people. You remember we gave a green flag funeral to General Yahya who presided the break-up of Pakistan. You took over in very difficult situations. We know that.

Humiliate us. Show the writing on the wall. Don’t separate the leaders from the masses. We choose them – at least this time – and nothing stops us from removing them through the bloody revolution, oh… that illusive bird our generation is longing for. Extreme of humiliation may lead us to a state which is empowering, which is chain-breaking.

Now for a second, just for a second imagine Mahmud Ahmednajad (or even better Chairman Mao) is our president or prime minister instead of the sitting Tsars and Bismarck. Don’t you enjoy that! I have seen Iranians walking straight with their chests puffed. I also want to experience that before I die. Can we borrow him for few months please? I hear his salary does not break the bank. We can afford that if we can afford these armies of advisors, ministers and generals.


Epilogue

On my way back home from Kohat after appearing in the ISSB exams – around 20 years ago – I prayed to Almighty that I be dead before reaching home if I am not going to be selected in Pakistan Army. I did not get select but did not die either. When I remember, I dread how sincere I was in my prayer. If I would have got selected, I would have been miserable with the disillusionment of army’s preoccupation with business more than the war craft. Or worse, I would have been in the honey pot enjoying all this. Had Allah listened to my prayers for death, what a pitiful soul I would have been witnessing what I lost my life for!