Irreparable...

Sometimes I hear my own voice inside my head; “Great things that we dreamt of happening won’t happen now�. Sometimes I see it all again like a movie in front of me, the joy and amazement and excitement. And just as a little splash of dirt filths all of a sweet harmonious pond, slowly ripples start to bulge on its body, my mind reminds me of all the fights we’ve had. I can recall all the words and screams and unhappiness clearly too.

They say it right you know; hope never dies. Someone very close to you might die right in front of your eyes but inside your mind you’d see him/her very much alive, smiling and healthy, walking towards you, to embrace you with love and security. That’s why my dreams are filled with such smiles and aliveness. But he’s gone.

I am clearly talking to myself now. It’s just me and this laptop; yes, there still are some faint sounds of a running TV in my surrounding but it only makes my inner silence worse. I am alone and a part of me walked away. But, I know I did try.

It was October 17th when we stopped talking. I sent him two texts later at night but he never replied. Not in the morning, not in the afternoon and never in October 18th. I woke up on October 19th with a very vivid dream about him; he was smiling, wearing his signature style of clothes and charm but I was overly dressed for that occasion. When I opened my eyes, I desperately searched for my phone. I was literally sleeping on it. The time it said was 5.43 am, it was my sister’s time to wake up and the only thing I could think of after flipping close my phone was, “no smses�.
7 a.m.
8 a.m.
9 a.m.
10 a.m.
I won’t text him. I shall not do it. Faiqah, please, don’t force me.
11 a.m.
There are some breaking news on… No don’t pick up the phone Faiqah, concentrate please.
11.24 a.m.

“Do you realize it’s been 2 days already?�

What happened after I pressed the send button wasn’t important. I just wanted to see an SMS from him. But what broke me into pieces were words “fact� and “busy�. For once, I thought he’d talk. But he said he has nothing to talk about. And that was it. Those words loudly and clearly said “it’s over, Faiqah� and so I decided, I won’t drag a dead body with me. After half an hour he asked if I had anything to say, but then, wait… what made him say that? He expects me to apologize? He wants me to say I miss him? He wants me to say I ‘suffered’ these TWO days?
“No�
That said it all, then.
And then I saw another dream today; it was me in a pink evening gown. I looked so beautiful, so near to him. But it didn't matter anymore.

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