Engineers explained!

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. People
who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other
people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
deal with them, especially if they are married with them. The secret to
coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.
This small guide will help to teach you everything you need to know about
them - the engineers. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing
them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without
the hassle of grooming.



ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You.

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your
belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."



SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:

- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions:

- Get it over with as soon as possible
- Avoid getting invited to some unpleasant discussions
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects



FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories:

- Things that need to be fixed
- Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play
with them.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it
would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized
and feature-poor toys.



DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. It is true that many normal people would
prefer not to date an engineer.



HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

- "I won't change anything without asking you first."
- "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
- "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
- "I'm not jealous of your new computer."



FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem
in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
the greatest amount of cash?"



POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead
prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.



RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the
media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

Example of bad press for engineers:

- Hindenberg
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- SPANet(tm)
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Titanic
- Ford Pinto
- Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but
it will cost too much."



EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

- How smart they are
- How many cool devices they own

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an huge ego rush. Nothing is more
threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more
technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to
extract more work from the engineer.

When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to
glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea
for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem.
The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a meat
chop.


END