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Recently by Optimistic_Aadil
Fearing thy passion!
You can't deny
a relationship
with the sky,
that is why
I heard, it rained
constantly
While I was away.
Your smile's
a rainbow.
And a glowing sun sets,
when you blush
after hearing
my whispers.
Nights are,
full moonlit
in your company
except,
for the brief intervals
when those naughty
hair strands
cover your face.
I avoid sun,
of the mid June
for its intensity,
and I fear
your passion
will burn me alive!
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Latest comments
Posted by Nadeenahmed83 on
Thursday April 3, 2008 09:18 am
I think it was stanza 3----wrong counting.
Posted by Nadeenahmed83 on
Thursday April 3, 2008 09:16 am
stanza 2---some new ideas to improve your poem.
The glow of the moon
reflected on your face
is flawless, except when
a stray lock of your hair
tresspasses upon the perfect vision
that I behold.
The glow of the moon
reflected on your face
is flawless, except when
a stray lock of your hair
tresspasses upon the perfect vision
that I behold.
Posted by Optimistic_Aadil on
Thursday April 3, 2008 01:54 am
TY shobig!
I too wasn't comfortable with that second last stanza. It all actually was written amid the mess called my office and I was planning to give it a second look which I did. Here's a little alteration. Hope the word 'naughty' goes well coz every now and then it indulges to obstruct beams of a full moon.
cheers!
I too wasn't comfortable with that second last stanza. It all actually was written amid the mess called my office and I was planning to give it a second look which I did. Here's a little alteration. Hope the word 'naughty' goes well coz every now and then it indulges to obstruct beams of a full moon.
cheers!
Posted by shobig_sifar on
Thursday April 3, 2008 01:26 am
nice one yaar...you've got the talent.
btw. hair strands are never irksome...half of Urdu poetry revolves around them yara...zulfaiN, lutt etc etc. try finding another word, or may be alter the second last stanza slightly.
btw. hair strands are never irksome...half of Urdu poetry revolves around them yara...zulfaiN, lutt etc etc. try finding another word, or may be alter the second last stanza slightly.
Optimistic_Aadil
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