respect

It's a little better this morning. I really had planned to sleep early and leave home early enough to grab some caffiene on the way to work. But last night the airconditioner stopped working. None of the other rooms were available, (though i could have slept in the dining room, i'm thinking). anyway. the result: i dont look too good and its just the day that he's here.. anyway, who cares!!!??

so she texted an apology. which is good. and for once i didnt do a Geisha on myself! I didnt say "it's ok, i guess you were having a bad day".. FOR ONCE!!!basically mine was a "Fuck off bitch" sort of message. she didnt reply. and I'm glad. How did she think she could get away with the attitude?

I thrive on people and its very very rare for me NOT to want to be around people i love and can laugh with. but its happening nowadays. im BLAHED out. and i'm sick of pretending its ok to pick on me. and to make me the butt end of insecurities. its NOT ok. I will not be used by others to make them feel/look good or provide some laughter..

ok there is this "Geisha theory" I have, whereby I believe many women are brought up to be comfort human beings; smile, turn the other cheek, smile some more, provide and nurture, smile, and be self critical. I'm way beyond Geisha 101. I'm nearing the Master/Mistress of Geisha level. So its no wonder I've snapped. Couple that with a major love gone wrong, another erstwhile interest gone wrong (ALL in my head)and PMS.. Wow! What a combination.

There is this inherent problem people have. They LOVE to criticise you for anything and everything, and they LOVE to comment. I mean, yes I know you have an opinion, but social skills say you dont always have to express your opinion. It came to a head yesterday when someone criticised me for laughing too much at a comedy show! I mean, are you fucking kidding me???? How lame are you to be sitting through a show where all you do is listen to how much I laughed? FUCK OFF!! anyway. so the strategy is - stay away from people. Ive never done that. And maybe thats ALL I need for a while.

So she'll be in town today, God Willing. Thats a good thing. Hope it works out for them. I'm looking forward to this one. Also, I NEED to finalise those vacation plans. Has to be like NOW!!

Oh yeah and last night, he ONCE more accidentally mentioned that she's an artist, and she's going away for a while, and they met at blah blah blah blah.. I mean I dont really want this information you know. It's done.

anyway. this too shall pass. cause pissed off though I am, I'm not ungrateful. I am blessed in ways I cant count and sometimes cant even remember. Im unhappy, but Im NOT ungrateful. and I know this will pass. and it will get better ONLY if I respect myself.. The rest will fall into place just fine...