Jasmines in Colorado (part 1 of 3)

#46 D(u)M(b)-jee

[it seems unlikely that a girl of refined tastes would fall for someone whose concept of classical dance is Bhangra. ]

Which planet are you from, sir?!

Ever heard the phrase....``Opposites attract!`` ?

I did not think so.

Sara..........part 2 should be up, today or tomorrow.........

Suborto..........i think part 2 and 3 should explain it more.........the guy is supposed to be a bore........guys usually are in this type of a relationship..............the thriller is on hold, no time available.........i might take it over, if Omer doesn`t have time............if i can find some time...........you are correct in printed Word format, it looks better..........

Well this deserves a high mark for effort if nothing else. Some elements are quite well written. The music and poetry part seems to have been well researched. Bit wordy? Yes but then we are reading it on our computer screen. The same story in a printed format might not be such an eye-strain. As for falling for boors - it happens all the time. So while some parts may have been cringe-worthy I`ll wait and read the remaining installments too.

Welcome back, Umair Raja (Romair). By the way whatever happened to the thriller you were writing in collaboration with somebody else?

dost-mittar........thanks for the welcome........your questions will be answered in part 2 and 3...........i have quite a few insights on pakistan now...........

Welcome back, Romair. I like your new nick and look forward to the new insights you gained in Pakistan, on other threads, of course.

I cannot do creative writing if my life depended upon it, so I am envious those who can. The story has interesting potential and I look forward to next installments. I would suggest that you should take some course in creative writing to hone your skills in this department. Maybe, reducing it in length could sharpen the storyline. Also, I was wondering what the timeline of this story is.

The characters need to be better defined. The girl`s character is better defined than the boy`s who comes across as a hypocritical boor and it seems unlikely that a girl of refined tastes would fall for someone whose concept of classical dance is Bhangra.

hey i want the second part of the story..........i was waiting since i read this article....u told that u`ll post on 1st august.....its really a nice one
sara

hamidm2.........that`s a lot better.......as i said, please feel free to criticize.........just don`t turn this into a religion-based thread..........other than that, everything is fair game......

colonel.........thanks......

bj003.........you seem to have a sharp eye for analysis........looking forward to your critiques (seriously).........as long as you promise to remain distant from pakistan/india stuff........

Romair,
Its wonderful work. Congrats. waiting eagerly for the next part.

Re: # 41

bj,

``Are you sure that EYE am not Ozer``............. no bj, you couldn`t be that bad even if you tried - you seem to have a soul even though it is headed for hell and not worth saving ............ look, i am trying to be fair to romair - i have tried to go back and read his ... his whatever, but i just can`t find any redeeming feature, not one ........ not one paragraph, not one sentence is worth reading - it is all uniformly bad and - i don`t know why - but it makes me very very angry ..........

#40 Hamidm2

You have been thoroughly chastised for undervaluing the intents of the Ozer on another board – but like most Pakistanis, you learn your lessons excruciatingly sloooooow….

There may be more to things in the cyberworld than you realize!

Are you sure that EYE am not Ozer, for example?!!

And you got to put a premium on the intent behind a story. In the cyber-world, technique has lost all value! Believe me, EVERYONE is a writer of sorts.

Therefore mian, you always got to make an allowance for things which are heart-felt – that part can not be created through artificial tools.

Otherwise, you are little better than those pieces of stone – you might think that you are strong and mighty – but in reality you are only hard and dead!

Re: # 37

romair,

.......... i think bad writing is a more immediate and bigger threat to mankind than islamic fundamentalism, global warming and microsoft .......... mankind should not have to suffer bad writers and we should snuff them out before they can do any real damage - as it is, there is enough garbage out there and we don`t want to add to it ............. take the case of poser khalid: some thought i was brutal, cruel and downright mean to him every time he reared his ugly head, but i am sure people on chowk are all grateful to me now - we haven`t heard from him in months and can safely assume that he has given up writing and is concentrating on his party business .............

....... if you are looking for `constructive criticism`, i have already told you that this terrible piece of writing looks like it was written by a high school girl suffering from acne who had od`d on mills and boone ............. it is unbearingly soppy, painfully mawkish and absolutely torturous to read............. enough said !

... i don`t mean to be cruel - some day you and your future generations will thank me for preventing you from making a fool out of yourself ...........

Re: # 36
I agree and that is why called him brilliant Raskal. He should have controled to not write out of respect to elder person, just like he realy wrote good story about conservative religious girl praising all mighty allah. He is horrible, Kuffer but brilliant.

#Various H2

Mian H2, come on. Let`s be fair to old Rommie!

His piece is the original. (Mine is just an inspired caricature - a take-off off his! (Remember, I never have words of my own.))

Most importantly, his is heart-felt! When everything is said and done, that`s all that counts.

And that`s all that remains.

I believe most of the readers here have appreciated that fact and expressed accordingly.

hamidm2.....please feel to pass on any constructive criticism............i actually welcome that........i just don`t want to turn this board into a religion/pakistan/india thing........your references to houris and what not tends to do that in a hurry.........

other than that, please feel free to think what is bad and what is good........that is your perrorgative........however, no need to get emotional........take it easy.........i can understand you getting emotional on political threads, but this is just a story thread...........

Re: # 35

romair,

come on, be a man ........... you must admit bj`s piece is a lot better than yours in every respect ........ don`t make me go back and actually read your stuff and then do a poser khalid on you .........

......... what the heck, i will say what i really think - this ...... this thing by you looks like it was written by a high school girl suffering from acne who od`d on mills and boone ............. it is unbearingly soppy, painfully mawkish and absolutely torturous to read ......... it is the kind of stuff that drove those poor guys in guantanamo to commit suicide !

chowk staff: please spare us the next two parts, and if you really have to publish them put them in the teenage girls section with pictures of fabio .........

hamidm2/bj003.......if possible, could i request both of you two to keep the religious/anti pakistan/anti india stuff off this thread.........thanks.........there are plenty of other threads where that discussion is taking place and where you can join in.............