The Horse and The Zebra

Rafi,

Fantastic story kept me hooked right till the end. The dramatic tension is maintained right till the end. I agree with the comment that you ought to ship this around. Nonsense about the zebras not accepting pet food. If a zebra is born in a zoo, it will have to accept the keeper`s handouts but is still true to character as long as it does not pull a wagon or a plough.

Kudos to the author.

The beauty of his writing lies in the details. Ordinary people and events. Lovely detailing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Keep up the good work.

Re: # 22

Raw_Dust, that comment was not directed at you personally. However, is the following any less of a generalization of an entire sphere of intellectual inquiry?

``..The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy...``

#20
And you have no idea what I am talking about. How long does it take you to get personal, have you ever time-watched yourself smartass?

I`m sure we all could see the Rafi`s and Shazi`s we know in this story.

My congratulations, very nicely written Rafi-bhai.

Re: # 19

raw_dust, don`t tell me you are in the sciences...

re #14
I said cliched cos I`d come across Shazzy character a few times before. The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy.

Qayyum from Raja Gidh was one such character, Ashfaq Ahmed and Qasmi`s short stories are littered with these specimen which is not to say they aren`t good. It is just that this guy`s been done before and a heck of a lot better.

rafi_aamer: Sure. For the first time writing this is very very well-done.! Brought me a lot of good memories. (I can`t write two lines properly just so you know.)

Re: # 17

agreed that for those who dont struggle with addiction that weed, liquor, etc. is not a big deal.

stuka did bring up a good point (i really hate admitting it) and that is when does addiction become a problem for the extended familial system? also, mental illness can develop in later life or be the underlying issue in addiction to which i`m sure dr. sohail will attest. the fam would rather see him as a ``failure`` or a ``rebel``...my reading is that it may be all these factors.

Re: # 14
Neembu,
I have smoked charas and continue to do so whenever I go back home for medicinal purposes, I dont see any harm in smoking ``malanga de booti``. Its not a hard core ``dawai``, Marijuana is a lot more potent than charas.
Rafi Sahib,
Congratulations!!! on a great story. Brought back memories of college days, bribing the registrar, eating samosas, smoking, chasing girls..... I miss pakistan. Great job. keep it up.

Re: # 12 by Raw Dust

Thanks for your feedback. This was my very first attempt at fiction and I intend to follow your advice of keep writing. Who knows, I might one day succeed to unroll and separate all the people you have mentioned. :)

Rafi

Re: # 10 by stuka.

Thanks for your honest feedback.

Echoboom`s observation is based on an assumption, one which I had addressed in the first draft but then removed it. In a short story, which is already too long to be qualified as a short one, I didn`t have room enough to cover every possible base. The pet-food thing was one of those bases.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Rafi

Re: # 12

Just for the sake of discussion, do you think this is really cliched? I found the nuances of the protectiveness of Shazi`s friends to be fairly accurate. Also, good discussion of addiction, depression and how these aspects are enabled by his fam who dont seem to know how to address Shazi`s issues. This enablement, codependency, whatever you want to call it, would be totally acceptable if Shazi did all the ``right`` things for his parents.

Re: # 11 by MaulaJutt

Thanks. And you are right.

This is like Shahab meets Ashfaq meets Banu Qudsia meets AN Qasmi meets Munnu Bhai all rolled into one. I don`t like it. There is no story here, it is more like a cliched character sketch peppered with obligatory details of the narrator. But for chowk standards - it`s definitely one of the tops. Please, keep writing.

Rafi Sahib,
Excellent peace of writing. Ending was great good job and please keep it up.

Question so which character would you think was the zebra and who was the horse?
I would say shazi was the zebra and you were the horse? am I right.

Rafi Amer:

I`ll be honest. I enjoyed the story and was taken in by the end. Till I read Echobbom`s comment...

``
I do not mind Zebras being Zebras refusing to be tamed...but they should not smoke hash
while accepting pet-food from their parents. ``

You have to be intellectually honest and admit that Echoboom`s comment is right on the money and it does rob Shazi of sympathy.