The Horse and The Zebra

#56 Posted by rafi_aamer
:) :) :)
Jubb Uun kay sarkaari-bistar per laitay huay dil kaa haal kahaiN gey aap, toa aakhir kuchh toa sohbat ka asar hogaa naa?

P.S: and I am glad you kept the community-standards in mind..and mad charas a means to mutual understanding.

P.S.S: The test of a good story is in its delivery & its acceptance. You have done well. If I had said this earlier, I would have closed all doors. thanks for being a good sport.

#52 Posted by echoboom on July 16, 2007 8:12:57 am
to tis sura#2 descended`` on Rafi-Aamer from the the resident Shrink

Ghalib, sareer-e-khaama nawai-e-"Sohail" hai? :)

#54 Posted by rafi_aamer

Well the inordinate resurrection of the mummies certainly would let one to wonder about that.

Hope you don't feel hurt by the innocent aspersion.

Minhaj, ana, thearsalanarshad, TahirQazi, Kulharee

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Kulharee,

That's a perfect alternative ending :) One that hardly requires any change in the rest of the story.

echoboom,

Your explanation in your identical posts #49, #51 and #52 needs an explanation. Sura #2 descended on me from, presumably, Dr. Sohail?

Rafi Aamer

wow!! I loved it. Very nicely told without the fancy analysis and descriptions. The character of Shazi is fascinating. And the story teller's voice is rationale but there are hints of hurt and emotional involvement which made the story mysterious and meaningful.

The way the mummies are being resurrected right in the glaring gaze of the Giza Sphinx is truly remarkable.

After all, the Dalmatians, from the Colonized & cantomentized minds, might not have earned the stripes yet, but can they be trusted not to lose their spots?

P.S: Explanation:just see how many dead interactors have been brought back to life to give credence to tis sura#2 descended`` on Rafi-Aamer from the the resident Shrink who has now shrunk & shriveled into ignominy of being Dr.Ooon Pooon.

Unflinching IDOLISM..indeed!

Re: # 49
echoboom..it looks better HERE!
____________________________________________________________
The Horse and The Zebra
Posted by echoboom Jul 15, 2007 12:46 pm
The way the mummies are being resurrected right in the glaring gaze of the Giza Sphinx is truly remarkable.

After all, the Dalmatians, from the Colonized & cantomentized minds, might not have earned the stripes yet, but can they be trusted not to lose their spots?

P.S: Explanation:just see how many dead interactors have been brought back to life to give credence to tis sura#2 descended`` on Rafi-Aamer from the the resident Shrink who has now shrunk & shriveled into ignominy of being Dr.Ooon Pooon.

Unflinching IDOLISM..indeed!

Rafi,

I would have commented on this in my earlier post, if time had permitted to read the entire story, but this is a rather good piece of work. I was dreading something much worse had happened to Shazi, but even if some readers think this might be cliched, and even if this does remind me of an hour long PTV drama, or what I have read of Raja Gidh, I know this happens in families, in our communities. And so it is not surprising that some of us can relate to various aspects of this.

burpinder #45

Thank you for replying so graciously to my post, especially since I wasn`t certain of my own graciousness when I asked. :)

Arre, in using ``real`` writer, you`ve opened up quite the box there. Who is a ``real`` writer? Is it only one who writes according to certain peoples` standards, and gets published? Someone only an ``elite`` group of people decides on? I don`t know, I think Rafi is already a real writer, or well on his way to becoming one, and all writers, real, virtual, or imaginary hopefully do have other avenues open to them, including this one!

Agli vari tikker! :)

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A beautuful piece of work. What i liked most about the article is that pieces of it some how related to me and my friends. Everyone i presume and especially me have gone or are going through the emotional turmoil that was experienced in this artcile. Only fate will determine whether we end up being Zebras or the Horses.

Dear Rafi:

Great read. Fairly long story but it sure keeps the reader interested to the end, which happens to be the climax also and ties the opening with the end.

Writing in first person narrative is one of the trusted but difficult techniques for in story-telling, if somebody knows how to weave the fabric of story in a non-linear fashion like life (Who said life was linear, anyways!). Of course, you have managed this style well without allowing `self-centeredness` of first person that can plague story-tellers. .... Congratulations.

Superb. I almost had an unfaithful affair with this long short story.. I was expecting for an ending where Shazi comes out of the closet to expresses his attraction to Rafi.

Very nice piece of work Rafi Aamer.

Re: # 44

ana, while I agree with your contention that chowk is a good platform for subcontinental folks to express our ideas, nevertheless it also could serve another useful purpose- viz separate the genuinely talented from the rest of us wannabe `writers`.

I have not read Rafi`s other pieces on chowk but this story leads me to believe that if he wanted to make it as a ``real`` writer (as opposed to a chowkie, with no disrespect meant, since I belong to that category myself!), there may be other avenues open to him :)

burpinder #29

Could you please explain to writers who write literary pieces (or even the political ones) why writing for Chowk is a waste of time? Yeah we have the gaali galoch and the supercilliousness and all, but still this is a platform available for all of us to express our ideas, no?

If they are wasting their time here on Chowk then why are we wasting our time here as well?

Folks,

Thank you! Thank you very much indeed for your praise, criticism, suggestions and feedback. Its extremely gratifying to know that you liked my effort.

Regards,

Rafi Aamer

Rafi-

A brilliant story.

I love the bookending of the story with the horses and zebra comparison.

Most importantly though, underneath the complexity of relationships, I really loved the insights you offered on ``the betrayals``. How we are eager to please and not dissapoint. How we cage ourselves and rid ourselves of individuality and its freedom. When the protaganist agrees with his wife that yes Shazi is indeed crazy, he is infact turning against his own friend to please his wife. And furthermore, perhaps, he is turning against his own desires, his own beliefs, to conform, and to not dissapoint.

Very well written. It also indicates deep thought and self-analysis. Knowing yourself.

-thinking

#38 by amansandhu

Echo,
Since Shazi`s parents brought him into this world they have to feed him,no.

---

Of course, and they did...until he started showing his stripes and hind-kicking his parents.
That was the time to kick him out. His Parents are no less at fault...a typical scenario where the colonized ones are cockproud that they too have stars & spangles erupted on their bums.

Nice storyline and build up of characters. I agree with Raw-Dusts comparison of it with that of Raja Gidh and other works of Mufti, Bano, and Ashfaque. Some verbosity and redundancy could have been avoided but over all it belongs to the top category in Chowk short story line up.

By the way, I consider Raja Gidh the best damn novel written in any langauge ever.

A very imressive story indeed. I felt like being there all the time. It left me wondering though, what could had happened differently to make things better for Shazi? May be his family could be more accomodative or Shazi himself could be more proactice to drive his own destiny in addition to being intellectual and different than rest of the herd.
What can be a positive `take-away` or lesson learned? How can we help if any of us comes across anyone with similar situation?

Rafi, I really liked this story, kept me hooked till the end. You have a great narative style. I had stopped reading articles on FP and am glad that I read this one.
Parents dont realise the imensense damage they bestow upon children by constant comparisons. Shazi`s parents failed their child badly, they never made and effort to understand him. His contempt for Rafi is understandable.

Echo,
Since Shazi`s parents brought him into this world they have to feed him,no.

35 by Cigar on July 13, 2007 7:33am PT
I also have seen few donkeys pretending to be zebra, or may be I am one of those judgmental people.

You will find many of them on Chowk too

35 by Cigar on July 13, 2007 7:33am PT
I also have seen few donkeys pretending to be zebra, or may be I am one of those judgmental people.

You will find many of them on Chowk too

I didnt find it long at all, in other words I found it really interesting. i could relate this story to a few people i know. I also have seen few donkeys pretending to be zebra, or may be I am one of those judgmental people.

a refreshing piece. liked this alot.

Well done, Rafi_Aamer! I think the editing could have been a bit better, but I liked your language and the story itself. This is one of the most intelligent pieces I have seen in a long time on Chowk, and it reminds me of what I expected on chowk in the first place.

Naais!!

Good rendition. Very good read.

a great story - Rafi
plenty of rafishness ot it, and a delight to read on FP. what makes it even more delightful is that FP has been given over to political trash which donot make no diference to people`s lives.
Yours atleast brought a smile to the face!
Well done.

#5 by drsohail on July 12, 2007 12:52pm PT

``i hope you keep on writing essays and stories and not be discouraged
by the criticism...all the best...sohail``

from story...

``Yes, he is.`` I replied. The another betrayal was executed.

To me, its a such topic which compels to write what ever is inside the writer, If I were to write, friends, emotions, regrets would be my best choice so I really liked reading it. But I still find it a piece from ``Suspense Digest``. sorry for that.

Question:
Rafi, what would you do if you were Zebra? would you remain zebra or hide in horses or damage your lines or ...?

Beautiful. Really truly.

My advice- find yourself a good editor and get this published pronto. You are wasting your time on chowk.

Good one. Most people would have known a character like Shazi. I know at-least two.

Excellent read my friend.

Something I`m struggling with now. I`m somewhat of a Zebra, parents want me to be a horse. So here I am doing accounting, when what I want to do is philosophy, and dedicate my time to my music and my photography....that`s life

a very nice read!!!!

Rafi,

Fantastic story kept me hooked right till the end. The dramatic tension is maintained right till the end. I agree with the comment that you ought to ship this around. Nonsense about the zebras not accepting pet food. If a zebra is born in a zoo, it will have to accept the keeper`s handouts but is still true to character as long as it does not pull a wagon or a plough.

Kudos to the author.

The beauty of his writing lies in the details. Ordinary people and events. Lovely detailing. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Keep up the good work.

Re: # 22

Raw_Dust, that comment was not directed at you personally. However, is the following any less of a generalization of an entire sphere of intellectual inquiry?

``..The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy...``

#20
And you have no idea what I am talking about. How long does it take you to get personal, have you ever time-watched yourself smartass?

I`m sure we all could see the Rafi`s and Shazi`s we know in this story.

My congratulations, very nicely written Rafi-bhai.

Re: # 19

raw_dust, don`t tell me you are in the sciences...

re #14
I said cliched cos I`d come across Shazzy character a few times before. The ideal ``Loser`` who comes from a unique place preferably grew up in a not so closely knit family, financially in the flux, he opts for the ``Arts`` major (humanities: MA) enroute to a life as a clerical-underling scraping the bottom hole of the class-hierarchy.

Qayyum from Raja Gidh was one such character, Ashfaq Ahmed and Qasmi`s short stories are littered with these specimen which is not to say they aren`t good. It is just that this guy`s been done before and a heck of a lot better.

rafi_aamer: Sure. For the first time writing this is very very well-done.! Brought me a lot of good memories. (I can`t write two lines properly just so you know.)

Re: # 17

agreed that for those who dont struggle with addiction that weed, liquor, etc. is not a big deal.

stuka did bring up a good point (i really hate admitting it) and that is when does addiction become a problem for the extended familial system? also, mental illness can develop in later life or be the underlying issue in addiction to which i`m sure dr. sohail will attest. the fam would rather see him as a ``failure`` or a ``rebel``...my reading is that it may be all these factors.

Re: # 14
Neembu,
I have smoked charas and continue to do so whenever I go back home for medicinal purposes, I dont see any harm in smoking ``malanga de booti``. Its not a hard core ``dawai``, Marijuana is a lot more potent than charas.
Rafi Sahib,
Congratulations!!! on a great story. Brought back memories of college days, bribing the registrar, eating samosas, smoking, chasing girls..... I miss pakistan. Great job. keep it up.

Re: # 12 by Raw Dust

Thanks for your feedback. This was my very first attempt at fiction and I intend to follow your advice of keep writing. Who knows, I might one day succeed to unroll and separate all the people you have mentioned. :)

Rafi

Re: # 10 by stuka.

Thanks for your honest feedback.

Echoboom`s observation is based on an assumption, one which I had addressed in the first draft but then removed it. In a short story, which is already too long to be qualified as a short one, I didn`t have room enough to cover every possible base. The pet-food thing was one of those bases.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Rafi

Re: # 12

Just for the sake of discussion, do you think this is really cliched? I found the nuances of the protectiveness of Shazi`s friends to be fairly accurate. Also, good discussion of addiction, depression and how these aspects are enabled by his fam who dont seem to know how to address Shazi`s issues. This enablement, codependency, whatever you want to call it, would be totally acceptable if Shazi did all the ``right`` things for his parents.

Re: # 11 by MaulaJutt

Thanks. And you are right.

This is like Shahab meets Ashfaq meets Banu Qudsia meets AN Qasmi meets Munnu Bhai all rolled into one. I don`t like it. There is no story here, it is more like a cliched character sketch peppered with obligatory details of the narrator. But for chowk standards - it`s definitely one of the tops. Please, keep writing.

Rafi Sahib,
Excellent peace of writing. Ending was great good job and please keep it up.

Question so which character would you think was the zebra and who was the horse?
I would say shazi was the zebra and you were the horse? am I right.

Rafi Amer:

I`ll be honest. I enjoyed the story and was taken in by the end. Till I read Echobbom`s comment...

``
I do not mind Zebras being Zebras refusing to be tamed...but they should not smoke hash
while accepting pet-food from their parents. ``

You have to be intellectually honest and admit that Echoboom`s comment is right on the money and it does rob Shazi of sympathy.

Sohail and neembu,

Thanks. I am glad you liked it.

Rafi Aamer

also, aamer sahib, you ought to start shopping this around to literary mags and publications in the US.

Re: # 6

correction: A really well written story-one of the most psychologically complex

A really well written story-one of the psychologically complex, well structured and emotionally present pieces to be published on Chowk. Almost perfect.

dear rafi....a wonderful short/long story. your analogies of horse and zebra for traditional

and creative (non-traditional) people are wonderful. creative people have to pay a price to

be non-traditional. i hope you keep on writing essays and stories and not be discouraged

by the criticism...all the best...sohail

rafi-aamer:

No bad intent there & you were NOT called any names...just a tinka in your darRhee.

Once looking at the length of the story, I immediately scrolled to see the answer. Human failing suppose.....

No one would have noticed if I gave away the ending..had you yourself had not brought it to everyones notice.

Re: # 2

Echoboom:

I really don`t care what names you call me but do you think that its a decent thing to do to give the ending of the story away?

Regards,

Rafi Aamer

..............``Zebras never become pets and tools like horses.”

Fiction aside, I wait for others to comment if this is a fact.

In my opinion, the land where zebras are found are horse itself is not a prized species..and maybe not even found!

There used to be a ``Zebra`` trade-mark ink in Pakistan...during the fountain-pen era. They had a Zebra driven delivery carriage.

We always wondered whether the stripes were real or marked by ``Zebra`` ink ..to advertise the power of the ink.

Now I think , it must have been a Zebra..because it would have been quite a task to do that...besides in sun , rain, & dust it was bound to fade.

---

.

I do not mind Zebras being Zebras refusing to be tamed...but they should not smoke hash
while accepting pet-food from their parents.

THe westoxicated scum is truly is a con artist....he wants to be a Zebra while making an ass of himself.

Chowk Staff,

Thanks for publishing the story. The description that you added (``Short Story``) should have been ``A Longish Short Story`` :)