This Is For The Men Who'll Roll Their Eyes

Dont get your hopes to high Sidra...that day will never come!

I live in the West as well, and no, not everything mentioned in this article has come to pass in America. Our desi community and specifically, our parents, have held onto traditional values probably even more than people still living in the home country, because of the constant 'threat' of losing our values and assimilating Western culture. So, many of these issues still exist in the Western world, particularly when it comes to NRIs and NRPs living in America and the UK.
But are you sure you really want some of these things to happen? For instance, the sleeping around: shouldn't the situation to hope for be that men stop sleeping around and treating women cheaply and women in turn stop sleeping around and stop treating themselves cheaply? Is that the kind of equality we should be aiming for, that women should be allowed to sleep around just as much as men?! Aren't you in effect saying, "I'm waiting for the time when equality will reach such a level that nobody will value themselves anymore"?

Re: # 151

tahmed

Thank you dear for the concern and sympathy shown by you about my shattered family life.

You say:

"I have noticed a slightly negative attitude towards women. Perhaps you may consider bringing the day this article talks about to your wife, and perhaps that will make her your friend and not your enemy. If you are offended by a stranger intruding in your personal life, please excuse the intrusion."

I won't mind but rather welcome your well-intentioned 'intrusion' except that I find your post a bit judgmental. I do admit that I treat the woman as such a negative being in the sense neutron is negative as she sucks the man in, all lock stock and barrel. But what should we do with her when she becomes menupaused (Phundar) and a vicious witch, a virtual 'churhail'. An old maid of ours had made a remark recently about the woman which left me pondering. She had said in Punjabi,"Zinani te bhaja bhaanda ae (The woman is a broken ware)". But she is terrible when she becomes a 'churhail'.

I beg apology from all mothers, sisters, daughters who also belong to the category.

teshah: Too bad I missed this article (written a few months ago), since it is like a breath of fresh air in the usual chowk fare having to do with Pakistan politics.

I fully agree with the writer - the day she is waiting for in Pakistan will no doubt arrive in due course, perhaps 40 years from now, perhaps a hundred. It has already arrived in most other parts of the world.

I hope you are able to resolve problems at home. If you dont mind my saying so, while I appreciate a lot that you write, I have noticed a slightly negative attitude towards women. Perhaps you may consider bringing the day this article talks about to your wife, and perhaps that will make her your friend and not your enemy. If you are offended by a stranger intruding in your personal life, please excuse the intrusion.

Re: # 146

Thank you dear for the sympathy and a prayer which only a sincere lady like you can supplicate for a person un-known to you.

Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women

If men and women are equal, why have males been the dominant sex virtually throughout history? Here, geneticist Moir and BBC- TV writer-producer Jessel argue convincingly that the answer lies in the difference between the male and female brain. Writing with clarity and style, and documenting their data every step of the way, Moir and Jessel explain how the embryonic brain is shaped as either male or female at about six weeks, when the male fetus begins producing hormones that organize its brain's neural networks into a male pattern; in their absence, the brain will be female. Not surprisingly, there are endless variations in degree of maleness, and mishaps can lead to a male brain in a female body and vice versa. Moir and Jessel include a brain sex test that lets the reader discover just how masculine or feminine his (or her) brain is. For the nonscientist, they translate considerable research into the structural and organizational differences between male and female brains, demonstrating how these differences make men more aggressive and competitive and better at skills that require spatial ability and mathematical reasoning, and women more sensitive to nuances of expression and gesture, more adept at judging character. Women, it seems, are more people-oriented than men, who are more interested in things. Moir and Jessel assert that it is necessary to ``accept who we are before arguing about what we should be,'' and that denying gender differences means ignoring their value. A literate, entertaining, and, for some, surely wrath- provoking presentation of scientific data about the differences between the sexes. -- Copyright ©1991, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Sex-Difference-Between-Women/dp/0385311834

An illiterate woman worked for me and my neighbour as a maid. All she has been doing from the age of five, she tells me, is the same menial sweeping, swabbing, washing etc. first at her own home and then at various houses like mine. She did not have a chance to go to school and was married at 10 years, had a miscarriage at 11 and gave birth to a girl at 12. She subsequently had two more girls and was labeled unsatisfactory by her in-laws but her husband refused to remarry for the sake of a boy-baby. He did try to force her to keep having children till the boy-baby appeared, but she managed to convince him and went ahead and had her tubes tied at the free Govt. clinic. So that was one hurdle cleared by her.Now, her husband's only brother (younger) who was taking care of his parents in the village was killed in a dispute. Her in-laws are pressurizing her husband who is a mason in the city, to move back to the village to take care of them, even though they have several daughters who are willing to do so back there. The status and tradition of living with a son is what they are aiming for.
Fortunately, again her husband has stood by her and has told them he will not leave the city. The reason is that they want to educate their 3 girls and do not want to pull them out of a city Govt.school, where all three are doing well and studying mainly on scholarships due to good marks.
I think this is one of the biggest success stories I have come across, even though their silent struggle against the odds has never made it to any newspaper or TV report. My neighbour and I help her monetarily in whatever small ways we can, buying text books, school uniforms etc. to take some of the burden off the parents.To me this is bravery, where a woman has held on to the bold stand she took to educate her daughters, come what may.She has now stopped working and stays at home despite the loss of her vital income, because she says her older daughter is 12 and she fears that she may be raped by somebody in the neighbourhood while both parents are at work, a very common occurence she says. Does all this qualify as sacrifice or what?!! An illiterate mother doing the best she can for her daughters after convincing a reluctant husband and standing up to in-laws, something that is unheard of in her community. Courage and good sense, indeed!!

I live in the western world and take it for granted all the things you are waiting for I already have. Society takes a long time to change an its is up to mothers to take a leading role and treat their daughters and sons equally. Mothers also have a lot of influence on their children and they should use it.

Re#145
I sincerely wish for you what I wish and pray for, every day for myself...that the Almighty will give you the courage and strength that is necessary to give love and care to your daughter.
I hope the same Great Power will also grant understanding and the ability to love to your wife as well so that your child will get what she needs from both her parents.
For people like you and me, the need of the hour is to look after the precious child/old mother . For that we have to set aside lesser or petty matters and do the main job well and lovingly. May God Bless and watch over you and your family.

Re: # 144

Thank you dear for agreeing with me. In fact we all, if not presently, would be old people, if life permits.

I am sad to learn that your mother is seriously ill and that you are now living apart from your husband and children. I am passing through a somewhat similar situation, rather verse. My wife has become my worst enemy, but I have sometimes to live with her to look after a mentally disabled daughter who loves me very much and is just now sleeping in a chair by my bed. O, God, help us all. Young or old, we all need sympathy and help.

Reg #143
teshah
"So dear gaurana; you may not need the help of your parents but they may need your help, and, certainly, your company and it is your moral duty to take care of them."


The issue I wrote on is not about looking after older parents or what old parents have to face in old age, here. My point was that two such different situations as that of my friend and myself brought up different responses from each of us.I admitted having missed the warmth and help of an extended family but also missed out on the interference and imposing of unecessary rules, and vice versa in her case.
By the way , I am now in my homeland for the past five years, living apart from husband and sons (seeing them only occasionally when they visit me) to look after my Mom who is slowly dying.
But thank you for your defence of old people who need companionship more than luxury and loneliness. I agree completely with you

Re: # 142

guarana

Your friend's: why; I will tell a story of a mother. An old widowed lady living in our neighbourhood in Lahore came to our home one day and told the following story.

"I have two sons, both married and with families, one living in France and the other in America. First I went to America to live with my elder son there. I did not know English and no body knew Punjabi there, except my son who had seldom time to give company to me. So I got bored there.

Then I went to France to live with my younger son, but the same story was repeated there.

So I came back to Lahore to reside in a house purchased by my sons wherein every facility was provided, but there too I felt lonely, depressed and bored. At last I came to stay with a former servant of ours who had a big family where I found everything and am happy now."

So dear gaurana; you may not need the help of your parents but they may need your help, and, certainly, your company and it is your moral duty to take care of them.

A TALE OF TWO WOMEN:
A school friend and I kept in touch through all these years of life. She and I married men from similar conservative backgrounds.In my case,we lived abroad days after marriage and my children were born in Germany and Brazil. We went it alone with no family members coming over to help from either side and made all our decisions, whether right or wrong, ourselves. My husband was a very hands-on new father and joined me in everything, mid night feeds, changing smelly diapers, bathing the babies, you name it he did it, even cooking for us all when I was too tired. I definitely missed the affection and experienced advice of older family members from both sides and the help they would have given us but also missed the unwanted advice and interference. It was hard but we got used to it and ended up preferring it that way.
My friend on the other hand, had all the help and parents from both sides falling all over each other to be there for them, even when her third baby was delivered in the US. But she and he had to do a lot of accomodating and adjustment and her husband, even if he wanted to, did not have much of a chance to be a hands-on new Dad.
I think both tales have their plus and minus points. We lost out on the help but did not have anybody imposing unwanted and unfair rules along with it. My friend had the help and warmth of the extended family but had to put up with a lot of unwanted advice, interference and impositions.
So which story do you think is better?!!

Re: # 132

Thank you dear Naqsh: I read only its introduction and found it so thought-proving, surprisingly from a woman's (?) pen.

For almost last two centuries now feminists have blamed their(women) problems on the outside world. They have used the very real difficulties created by revolutionary social changes to avoid the task of looking within for the real problem and the real solution. They have been indulging in an orgy of finger pointing at men and self-pity.

if this attitude had brought them happiness and fulfillment, if feminism(their concept of emancipation) had made them good mothers and joyful wives, or even pleased them with their new 'place' in the world... the game might have been worth the candle. But it is evident that it hasn’t been. The game has brought frigidity, anxiety, pain(not the pleasureable one) and arimpitts, hairy legs and a soaring divorce rate, as well as neurosis, lesbianism, juvenile delinquency... All that results when the women in any culture forget ther true womanly function.

To:
Walter Russell Mead
CFR


Dear Sir,

Interesting meeting we had the other day at _______________. It would be worthwhile to continue that important discussion here, if you can take some time out from your seemingly busy international schedule. I hope you enjoyed your stay in Pakistan and I hope you take the message of our discussion group regarding misplaced American priorities to the corridors of power in Washington DC, where you operate, and on whose behalf you operate.

I was stopped by the moderator from responding to your long lecture about American generosity and benevolence but would have liked to add that those "values" that you were advertising as being "American" might be the values of the US public but are certainly not pursued by their elite which have used them as ‘master-symbols’ for the purpose of deception time and again. Further they have many a time subverted democracy for ulterior motive in the "Third World", something the people of Pakistan witnessed first hand when they were victimized by their military rulers who were supported wholeheartedly by the US. I'm sure the people of Iraq will testify to similar victimization tacitly supported by the US before the current invasion. Your point on US "charity" to the Palestinians was exceptionally cruel. When the US has facilitated occupation and brutalization of an entire people by Israel over the decades, relegated them to multi-generation refugee status with the resulting ‘life-chances’ having one of the worst poverty levels anywhere in the world, you excuse all that with charity that maintains the current "ghetto" setup. It is quite obvious that you have chose a role of cultural technician of the U.S elite in order to legitimize and cloak in the finest silk, the inhumanity that has been inherent as fact in much of the US foreign policy in the “Third World”.

More than 50% of the earth’s population lives below $2 a day thanks to the “world system”, that has historically produced a few winners (nearly all European, with the possible exception of US occupied Japan) and most losers (the colored world). Poverty in the US has gone up during the tenure of G.W.Bush, and you cannot convince people of the benevolence of the U.S, when its own house is in disarray with around 40 million people facing food insecurity, and a health care system that sends millions to an early grave due to delayed or unavailable care, all for the profit motive. Foreign reparations of the TNCs that are doing Pakistan a “favor”, have gone up 900% in the past year but not the paltry wages they pay to the workers or the few they employ that are not even a drop in the Pakistan’s labor force. Next, US firms relocate not because the US is benevolent and sacrifices the jobs of its own to get rid of “poverty” but because they want to exploit cheap labor in foreign lands, part of a similar resource theft that took place during colonization and they relocate because unions are weak and wages are low, not because the US is handing out its “coat and cloak” as charity. In fact out of all the developed nations the U.S spends the least amount as percent of its income on aid and most of it is policy tied, as has been well documented, and as in Pakistan, helps its non-democratic allies to further weaken democratic institutions.

Please don't use these quite sacred values of life, liberty and justice; (happiness is still a far distant dream for most among humanity) as slogans and symbols to justify the status quo of a foreign policy that is quite inhumane, selfish and enslaving, which is fast leading the world towards immense suffering as it plunges country-wide populations into misery and poverty, Iraq is just one case in point.

Sincerely,

MAsadi