When a Knock at the Door is Not Enough

good essay, it's amazing what kind of crippling fear abusive men instill in their wives, i once tried to get a battered woman to leave her husband, even forced her to speak to a social worker, but she feared for her children's lives and stayed

Nicely written Aisha.

Regards

Ras

akcheema:

thank you.

I did not read Azra Rashid's article. The interacts turned me off. (I have had this bad habit of reading the interacts first since Chowk changed its format)

I hope that we do not get into the same arguments here, because violence against women is pretty much everywhere. It is not about east, west, or what belief system you belong to, or educated vs. uneducated.

It is the resources and redress that is the issue here. Rather than just saying or thinking "Same old thing" to the point where there is danger of even more abuse and damage. . .what do we as a society do to be there for wives, mothers, sisters etcetera. . .and if I can go beyond that, what to do for the men who assert their authority by means of a fist, among other things.

akcheema,

... contrary to Zee's assertions on another board (jis ki izzat na ho us ki bey-izzati keya hogi etc

That's not what I said. I said "Jis kis ayzti nahi, us ki bayzti kia?"

Re: # 5; ana bibi

I am sorry to read about your experiences. Domestic violence in the west was the key 'argument' used to 'discredit' Azra Rashid's article.

Whilst living in Pakistan, I observed a lot of this first hand, within extended family etc. Violence can also be psychological and verbal and I observed that being used against many female members of my family close to me. It is the form that probably doesn't even get classed as violence at times; the constant 'putting down/in place' of the wives, sisters and even mothers by adolescent males.

Totally shameful; the 'face-saving' culture demands we brush it under the carpet as it is "ghar di gal"; dirty laundry and all that. This is what I mean about things that REALLY disgrace my 'honour'; not some jumped up Indian calling Pakistan/Islam all the names under the sun.

It would appear I do have some "Izzat" afterall; contrary to Zee's assertions on another board (jis ki izzat na ho us ki bey-izzati keya hogi etc).

Khuda Hafiz

This hits a little too close to home. I grew up with a father who had a very short fuse which once lit, sometimes brought violent results. And back in the day, his behavior might have been explained away much easier than my mother's for having walked away.

There are two profound differences though, a woman in the west is more mobile and flexible in terms of walking out of a relationship and even moving into a shelter with her kids, and she is more likely to get the abuser to incur some damage, be it financial, social or legal.

It is good that you knocked at the door, Aisha. It is not enough, but it's something. . . Some women do feel empowered to take action, but as you said the flexibility and mobility to do so is less. . .

Beej Bhaiyya,

Re:#3

Your post has certainly left me totally clueless!!!

Aisha boudi's piece has been published before Ms. Minhas's so I dont know how you have come to your conclusions.

Regards

#1 Jum dada

Dada, as usual, you are totally clueless!

Aisha Sarwari never left this web site. She has always been here. She has been “filling in” as the editor ever since – never mind! (The state of typos in some of the FP pieces is proof enough.)

This beating episode happened apparently a while ago. It was one of the “rude awakening” events the author encountered upon returning to Pakistan from Amrikka. How could this sort of thing happen in the land of the Jinnah, she kept asking herself. She racked her brains hard to the best of her limited abilities but could come up with no satisfactory answers.

She felt very helpless that she could not do anything for the lady who got beaten up. She wanted to but when she broached the topic with YLH, he said:

Paagal ho gai ho kya?! Ye Pakistan hai! YahaN sabhie ek dusray ko peet-tay rehtay haiN! Besides, woh kambakhat landlord hai! If he kicks us out of this ELITE F/11 sector, where will we go? Nobody will let us into this sector ever again!

As always, YLH’s words held merit. So the author put the sad memory away – pushed it under that proverbial rug along with all the other dust and dirt and assorted unwanted-feelings and tried her level best to forget it. It was not easy to forget but when you have to take care of three children (including and especially, YLH) it CAN be done!

So, she tucked those memories away and tried to forget it ever happened. It almost worked…

Until Shandana sent in HER piece! (www.chowk.com/articles/14076)

Then, as she tried to read that piece, all of a sudden, it came back with a vengeance.

She could suppress it no more!

What had been a mere nagging feeling – that she COULD have done more for the beaten-up lady– now became a monster gnawing at her insides – telling her loud and clear and in no uncertain terms:

You SHOULD have done more, you dar-poak lady! And you should have never listened to that dar-poak marad!

And she kept asking herself – What COULD I do?

Then it hit her – hey, I can write a piece on it…

And I can even slip it in BEFORE Shandana’s!

So, presto!

Now you know (as Paul Harvey would say) - the REST of the story!

How do I know all of the above sordid, depressing details?!

Elementary, my dear Jum!

I guessed it.

Disturbing.

Aisha boudi,

Nice to see you back on chowk. Dunno what the actual stats for domestic violence are- the 25% you have quoted seems genuine enough. And you are right in that this percentage may not vary too much across class, caste, religion and ethnicity and surprisingly perhpas even education levels at least in the subcontinent. Wealth and "education" do not seem to have made too much impact on the males psyche and even many woman sadly seem to have internalised it.

Regards