Lavishly Citrus

Hmmm...mixed feelings to see this one posted.

Re: nighat

``Through the Paki grapevine, I`ve found that Kamran (not his real name, I`m told) may live in Florida or Georgia maybe. I think Rubina is 100% fictitious...what Pakistani girl sends x-rated cards to her prospective mate? Oh...also heard that he`s vacationing in California somewhere and doesn`t log-on on vacations so probably doesn`t even know his article`s posted. Am I good or what? Did I come close, Kamran?``

You`re not even close, Nighat. I was in California this week for business. Not vacation. ;) A pity though since my work was in Carmel, one of the most romantic places in this country.

Man, did I eat well....I had totally forgotten just how wonderful California restaurants are.

Re: EK

``kamran did u really live in mt. view? i live there and i know that bookstore.``

In fact, I worked in Mountain View (my office was on Castro Street) and lived in downtown San Francisco. Until last year. Printer`s is a great, little bookstore, isn`t it?

-!Kamran Akhtar!-

Hello, is anyone out there?

for heaven`s sake, the topic of discussion is the article, if u guys want to strangle each other over american ethnic composition, GO ELSEWHERE! *wonder where the heck r the moderators! *

agree with the idea that this place does need light stuff along with the heavy things going on here, which is why this is the perfect piece.



kamran, u got patience man! got to admit that, i mean not only does one come up with great writing, one has to put up with the crap that follows it too!!! very interesting is what i would call ur work, if fiction u got great imagination, if a fact, believe me, u hit the mark alright!

Re: AmirM

``Are kamran and Rubina a typical example of a prospective Pakistani couple, or are they quite unique.``

Not that typical in my experience. That`s what made is so interesting.

``Do they herald a turning point in Pakistani society`s stance, or is the liberated independent Pakistani female (Rubina) an aspect of everyday life.``

Rubina is not as aspect of everyday life. But as more and more Paki girls are trying to become Rubinas, more and more are becoming the anti-Rubina as well...introverted, conservative, veiled in a shroud of dogmatic, sense-dulling, religion (but I`m sure they`d argue that they are still independent and liberated).

Re: arshiya

``Wow. I`m totally taken in by Rubina & kamran. Great character development through dialogue.``

Thanks. Rubina will move you before it`s all over.

Re: uzma

``the lines that used to be so sharply drawn no longer exist with the same clarity...and are seen by different people at different locations. don`t tell me who i am ...and i won`t tell you who you aren`t.``

I tend to agree with this logic. Desis are widely different in their beliefs and perspectives. Just look at the responses to this piece.

Re: Admirer

``kamran, u got patience man! got to admit that, i mean not only does one come up with great writing, one has to put up with the crap that follows it too!!!``

It`s get easier with time (as with anything else, I suppose). As Zehra once wisely pointed out, Chowk bashings are a rite of passage for the frequent author. Besides....none of this means much anyway....just words on a screen.

-!Kamran!-

OK, I`m back, in beautiful (ugly) Karachi and feeling a lot better for the break.

I read this again. And I like it. It`s touching. As for a detailed critique, Kamran, I won`t give it to you unless you ask for it... *grin *

Rubina seems totally plausible as a person. You guys need to widen your definition of ``Pakistani woman``. They`re not all blushing maidens on the vines of life.

B.

Welcome back, Bina. Where did you go on your vacation anyway? I was going to say ``ever thought of returning to the US permanently?`` but then thought, hell, she gets 2 month vacations....why would she ever want to come back.

``I read this again. And I like it. It`s touching. As for a detailed critique, Kamran, I won`t give it to you unless you ask for it... *grin *``

Thanks. Happy I could touch you all the way over in Pakistan. Of course, I want a detailed Bina-critique ala mode.

``Rubina seems totally plausible as a person. You guys need to widen your definition of ``Pakistani woman``. They`re not all blushing maidens on the vines of life.``

No, they`re certainly not that....in my experience. Almost wish sometimes that they`d fake it for a change. :)

-!Kamran!-

p.s. ``Fishhooks`` disappeared. The links point to ``Peter Pan`` or did I already tell you that?

I`m not sure about returning to the US, but I wouldn`t mind a stint in London. I was there this summer (my trip was one month, not two!), and oh, it was wonderful. I managed to meet Bapsi Sidhwa and Sara Suleri and a wonderful Pakistani writer called Aamer Husain who lives in Scotland and Meera Syal and and and...(an Asian writers` event at the Royal Festival Hall. I was in heaven).

As for Fishhooks, I have had it removed for personal reasons. I didn`t like the correspondence that it earned me - not Chowki comments but other stuff addressed to my personal mailbox. It made me uncomfortable. I`d be happy to send you a copy if you like, but I`ve withdrawn it for now from the public arena.

``Lavishly Citrus`` is good. A few elements which jarred me had a little bit to do with the unnaturalness of the dialogue, especially at the beginning, the part where R and K are discussing their jobs. It doesn`t sound like real dialogue; more like internal monologue split between two people, if that makes any sense. We usually don`t speak so gramatically correctly, we usually don`t use conjunctions as beautifully as you have in this sentence: ``The key is to keep clients happy and make them feel good about paying me the large amounts of money I bill them. And it`s not a simple task. But with enough practice, as with anything, you get good at it.`` Real dialogue is more haphazard, stilted, interrupted - and you get close to it down at the end, especially after the fight about the kiss. I guess it takes time to settle into a dialogue, whether written or real.

Also, I felt that Ruby and Kamran, although they are supposed to be two separate people, really speak with one voice. Similar sentence constructions, similiar vocabulary, similar rhythms and cadences to their speech. Call me picky, but it did strike me. Though Rubina is a plausible person, as I said earlier, I have a hard time imagining her using a word like ``pungent`` (have I spelled that correctly?). Or perhaps it seemed out of place in the sentence, ``The pungent smell of citrus was so pervasive``. Seemed a bit repetitive, clumsy.

But the overall tone of the conversation is very, very real to me. Prickly, a bit defensive, at times surprisingly sweet, it does capture very well the intricacies of two people getting to know each other. What happens next?

Oh, and I think Pakistani women like being able to claim the psychological realms of both the virgin and the vamp. Makes life so much more interesting...

London is wonderful. Although I`ve only been there twice on brief visits, I really enjoyed the energy of the city. I have a tentative plan to visit a friend and migrant cousins from Karachi there in two months. I think it`ll be an interesting trip. (Next up for me, however, is a visit to your Boston for an American wedding next weekend.)

Unfortunately, I was not familiar with any of the famous people you mentioned. But I am now I suppose. Glad you had such a wonderful time.

I appreciate the deconstruction once again. There is less antipathy in this critique than in your previous ones. I must be growing on you. :)

Rubina wouldn`t use ``pungent``....you`re so right. I sat on that word, going back and forth for a while. Then decided to go ahead with it. Pungent. Pervasive. They seem redundant but they really are not. But I see what you mean because I myself felt that way once.

What happens next? Well, you`ll find out when the next and final piece is posted. :) Do Pakistani women like being able to claim the virgin and the vamp as their own? Some. The most interesting ones in my experience. The ones who get under your skin and leave their mark for a lifetime. My mother fears that one day I will marry one of these virgin/vamps. But there is more to life than the institution of marriage. What about an obsessive love affair? Sure it`s draining but it can be intoxicating too (can`t wait to see Stanley Kubrick`s ``Eyes Wide Shut`` which opens tomorrow in the US). For better or for worse (don`t you love the irony), it`s these virgin/vamps that make life so much more interesting for me. In love with these demure vixens only do I once again explore the fine line between love and hate.

-!Kamran!-

p.s. I would like a copy of ``Fishhooks``. I want to read it again and share it with a dear friend at UCLA who wants to read it for the first time. So, yes, please, Bina, do e-mail a copy to me. (Append aol.com to my chowk username).

WOw! this keeps getting better and better. Shes interesting I must say-she chooses her words wisely, and him well hes a typical guy.. I love the thought patterns shown with Kamran.. Brilliant..