Marriage from a Man’s Point of View

Phew! there is hope for me yet!! I had just about given up on finding a guy who would actually value the above mentioned qualities in a woman (maybe its just love in this case -- who knows)!!:)

Working outside Pakistan I have to go through the whole ritual of meeting ``aunties`` who want to ``see`` me everytime I visit Pakistan. Ever visit is littered with questions as to when I intend to settle down and ``akhir larki ko tau shadi karni hi hai``



Every time I sit on the plane heading back west I heave a sigh of relief -another yearly visit comes to an end with my having kept the dogs of marital``connivance`` at bay.



Maybe its just fear of commitment but I like to convince myself by thinking that I just haven`t found the guy who will put up with me!

Hey maybe your article will be the inspiration for Marriage: Perspective of Pakistani Gal living abroad :)

Aside from that - it was definitely a quirky article which forced a smile out of me in a day filled with 4 cups of coffee and it just being 10:30 in the morning.

Dear Solitude,

In case u didn`t realize, `grow up` was meant for your head--the one up there. I have no concern for the one down there. Don`t dis-illusion yourself. I have better taste. Consider this conversation over.

``Grow up!``-Oye

Well, that is hardly necessary. The moment you lay your uptight arse in my lap things will be popping up and growing up like anything.

Re: Solitude

Grow up!

``Why do u think the way u do?? `` - Oye

Sit on my lap and lick the insides of my earlobes and then maybe I will think of telling you more about it.

``...try and have a mature conversation with you. ``

I see great prospects for a mature conversation between my lobes and your globes (send measurements immediately).

``You aren`t God to judge `` Yes, if you impress me I might even show you my god.

To Solitude:

Dear Solitude, seems like you felt quite neglected in the all women conversation! It was ammusing to see a fellow so perturbed.I SUGGEST

using `` Person Under Solitary Confinement`` as a substitude for ``Solitude`` and that will make readers/writers ignore thy idiosyncracies.

To Oye:

Good shot! When is the thrilling article coming out of the Oye Oye...Spell ? :-)

I think , it`s the time! :-)

Re: Solitude



Why do u think the way u do?? U have such a warped perspective that I seriously think i would be wasting my time to try and have a mature conversation with you. I don`t want to stoop to your level. I think u need to analyze yourself before you pass judgements on others. You aren`t God to judge who is `good/bad`, `pure/impure`, `moral/immoral`, `empty/full`and what constitutes as them. Can`t you write something `decent` and `objective` for a change? If you don`t know what these terms mean...you`ll find them in a lexicon.

*choking on the estrogen * girls, girls ... chill! all this post-tea-party milan julan is disturbingly bordering on the not-so-straight sexuality. ``hai, you from karachi tea-party school, no?`` ``hai you know shazia and fazia and razia and nazia and kazia? `` ``hai, I am soo happy we together nooo? give us a kiss!`` ``no, we woman so mysterious, look I wear my burqa over my head and a pink lingerie underneath! I cone-fuse and surprise everyone! I like that very very much! ahm made of sooo many contradictions too, ahm soo complex, I dontt have complex just ahm very good complexion`` All this ``addy`` exchanges and ``you two are meant for each other`` rhetoric is giving me the nauseating shivers. I responded to Ms. Oye but it never got thru. You dont like Mohammad Ali filams? then what this filam about:

``oye, oye, oyaaaay oyaaay, oyaaay o yaaay aaaaah, ohh tirchi topi walii, oh baboon bholi bhaliii ...`` you like that much ? As for cutting hair etc. let met tell you what I hear from the Rasoolallah ``woman may die of lice but not cut hair and look like man or she boil in hell with testicles of godless people like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise etc.`` Why you blame our poor ladla betas for sleeping with corrupt, nangi, immoral woman? You should be happy he choose you for marriage and them for fun! Those phoreign woman dont know how to cook, bear children , clean house and give husband good full-bady massage ... we teach out ladkian all those skills while their woman just know how to be dactar and lawyar and engineer and actors and shaira (poet) Now you talk of fag-goats! those fag-goats like Johnny Depp- you like him that why you like the homos, right ? well you westernized garl we really pity because you empty from inside and not pure at all.

Ok, so I want to reply to all this overflow of estrogen but ... testing to see if this is working ...

To Zehra:

Ooops, :-) It is so strange as the lady I knew from my college years had the same name and in fact was quite intelligent :-)

Sorry for any confusions.

Regards

Note: Just a thought it is part and parcel of a abd to be abcd ? I feel folks take too much pressure of this ``c`` which should not necessarily be with them. But probably this is just an outsider`s view.

zahra: err...no.

im a true abcd..american born, lived in pakistan ( karachi ) for 7 years..now in the states.

rizvi

To Zehra:

I do not why but I have a strong feeling that we were batch mates in Kinnaird. Are you a KCiite ? Were you friends with Huma and Faiza Malik from Nigeria ? Arts ?

I was in Kinnaird from 84-87 before I headed to Engineering University, LHR.

If you are the same person, I am sure you would remember Shazzi Nayyer, Farah Saeed well I can put forth many names that are slipping as these were some friends and family in Arts Section. I was in FSc though.

If you happen to be in touch with Shazzi, please send me her email address.

Regards

Testing

mebbe i should change my name..

slink...woh zAhra hai..mein zEhra houn..

difference hai..please difference hai.

you can still come visit me...

as an aside...would you n arif be interested in being part of a program that hosts college kids from..well primarily from the us? in a year or so...?

(errerr@hotmail.com)

re:oye...

like arif said, i dont think solitude was serious. he prolly woulda been burned at the preverbial stake by this time if he actaully went around articulating that stuff..

z.rizvi.

To slink:

Please do not mis-spell my name. It is Zahra and not Zehra. There is another lady with the name Zehra. Sorry for any confusions if they ever arose.

Regards

Zahra J

Dear Zahra,

Thanx for the email addy. I`ll be in touch! Take care :)

dearest Oye,

i think your post pretty much said it all :)i also think you and zehra would get along really well, maybe we can both come and visit you soon.

ms.piggy

Dear Oye:

Kindly allow me to point out ``this`` strange name that can certainly make any one ponder :-)

I agreed with most of your points about women. The role of Pakistani women in our culture and how well they are misused.

I have read AA`s article sometime back and I think it is one of the sweetest one that I have read by a gentleman. It had emotions, natural feelings, extremly polite way of expression and I am sure his wife will be happy with him(Inshallah)

unlike the fools who care to write ``spicy`` notes thinking that they will catch attention. Well Chowk happened to provide that stuff as well.

I am in total agreement with the gist of your post and will add the following:

- Women are women!

Whether they are Hindu /Muslim, black or white , tall or short. Though some are nice and some are not. Just like some men are gentlemen and some are ruffians.

I also happen to be in the same shoes as you are. Grew up in Pakistan, had the privelege of having parents who understood the natural desire of their daughter to come abroad for higher studies. Now I have been working is States for the past 4 years. That does give some of my friends(who went back the very same day they graduated) as well some in the surroundings a shock.

It is a very intense topic and can open chapters of discussions. The general impression that our well educated community castes on the surroundings is very deceptive.

What is the percentage of Pakistani Women who even pursue higher education in other parts of the world ? How many are there who can think of living independeNtly ? What is the percentage of even women who know what is there to get a degree in Pakistan???

These are basic and advanced level questions but are certainly thought provoking.

Feel free to send me an email:

Zahra_Jamshed@msn.com

Regards

Response to Zahra:

Thanks!! Its good to know that there are other women who think the same way. Maybe we can compare `notes` .

Take care and keep smiling:)

Kamran... I`m married to Shandana Minhas... you might have read some of her work here on Chowk.

Oye... I agree with most of what you said, but reading Solitude`s mail I can`t help thinking that what he wrote was not meant to be taken seriously.

arif

Response to Oye:

At first I was not sure that it was a guy writing or a lady. Then I found some ``we`` in the post and I was glad. I heaved a sigh of relief :-) Otherwise I would have stood up and saluted.

Just wanted to let you know beautiful post. And I will say ditto to most of your points.

Take Care

Men have always wanted reliable nookie but god d-a-m-n this uppity madron idiot-ology kalled famine-ism! May a thousand curses of Allah and the Prophet of the Illiterates be upon it! All those famine-ists are too showkh and taez (sharp) I tell you. Hai, Rabba ! she cut her hair like a boy? Am I believing what my eyes are looking or am I not ? All ghareloo (domesticated) woeman should keep hair long enough to wipe their tutti-frutti-tush with when they run out of lotta / jug water ... Hain I am all scandalized!

Goes to show what happens when you marry out of the faith brother in Islam. Have you converted her yet or not not ? Aray, I remember the day I watch this Mohammad Ali filam (mohammad and Ali, WAH! WAH! such a mubarak and blassed names) Okay this sardarji was having trouble-shouble with wife obeying orders and not giving him enough cookie. So guess what he did ? He dragged her by the hair into bed and made her give him a little sardarji... from then on this phhoreign minded memsahab became all submissive and straight like the alphabet Alif. When you bringing a good mujahid to this world, baba ?

Oh yes, I forgot my standard plug for all those who want to learn about the immorality of love and compare it to the wonders of marriage :

http://www.pacifict.com/ron/Emma.html

Then go to Marriage and Love section :

http://www.pitzer.edu/

Re: Arif Abrar

``Those of you who might have read her writing will have noticed her mastery of the use of symbolism.``

Where would we have read her writing?

Re: Amber

``Tell me, is it education that makes you think so, or perhaps its just by some game of chance that you`re considerate? Or perhaps, all men are good at heart and we`re too prejudiced to see that....``

There are lots of considerate men around, Amber. In my experience, however, consideration and being-good-at-heart is the last thing desi women are looking for in potential suitors. They are interested in that all-too-intangible ``chemistry``...come to think of it, so are the men. The only rule then is that there are no rules. You know it when you feel it.

-!Kamran!-

The article should have been titled ``Marriage from another point of view``. Even though I agree with some of the observations Mr. Abrar makes, its just that his interpretation is slightly different from a million others, making him a ``one in a million exception``.

At times he comes across as the typical male chauvinist and then just as suddenly he changes his stance to the poor suffering husband.

I do like is easy style of writing and must congratulate him on a very good effort.

A letter that was recently sent to Microsoft Tech Support and it`s reply.

Dear Microsoft:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend Version 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that

the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a

lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was

included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all

ther programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors

all other system activity. Applications such as Golfday 10.3 and

Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?

Response

Dear Sir:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a

primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a ``UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT`` program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run

EVERYTHING. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up

with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings

- Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed I also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the Apologize button and then the Reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 2.0 plus

Ex-wife 1.0 maintenance will most likely cause System to permanently crash.

Microsoft

``Marriage is a battle, a terrible journey, a season in hell, and a reason for living.``

Sounds like you guys go through a lot of turbulence and don`t hold much from eachother back, but it works for you and you don`t seem to have any regrets. I myself look at marriage as an option that one may or not avail oneself of. This makes the committment, responsibility, and psychological intensity of marriage a big gamble and sacrifice with very uncertain rewards.

Wasiq

:-)
that had to be cathartic.
hmmm....harmless, humourous, creative writing/ranting to improve relationships. I think you folks are on to something here.

``Marriage is a battle, a terrible journey, a season in hell, and a reason for living.``

-``Intimacy,`` Hanif Kureishi

smile and take a plunge???? that`s all you have to say??? you`re kidding right? lol

Hey Abrar,

``When in doubt, smile and nod`` doesn`t work. You have to SOUND intelligent too :) Smile and nod just means hubby isn`t listening - its unacceptable!

AZ

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Arif:

Interesting observations.

I chuckled at the first parenthesis. In boxing parlance that was gurads-up.

To bake the matrimonial bread, the dough needs, in addition to ``companionship, romance and a fair degree of independence,`` good quality skirmishes, well ambushes --every so often, a fail-proof crisis resolution procedure, (try ``I`m sorry yaar``), and non-chalantly giving the impression of always giving in (have your way but give him/her the impression it is their way ---- yeah, this is Machiaveliian, but who said living with the OTHER interminably is fair?) AND letting the other half have the last word.

And speaking of words, (heck, the last time we interacted, I recall it was over words, too), your last words -- smile and nod -- won`t be the last words. They will, rightly, belong to one Shandy Dandy.

regards,

P.S. If you let me know your email address I will send you my version of the experience.

What a wonderfully fun article. Clearly you are enjoying marriage.

From a woman`s side I`d say your woman is probably not representative of all women. Its really hard to be. Some points you make definitely seem to apply accross the board, like the difference in definitions of romance. In the case of clothes and dressing up however, I have to make the same complaint about my husband as you do about your wife.

Still in some years you`ll be surprised about how the independence stuff rubs off on each other and when you visit people you`ll be surprised how similar you look to each other, when you thought you and her were so very different. I don`t know if that sentence made sense, but when it happens you`ll know.

You`ve got a good sense of humor too! Hope to keep seeing your writings on Chowk

Well Done Arif. I beautiful piece of work. It was very close to relity. You really spelt out the voice of hearts of all these married (marred...kidding) men. But still i honestly think you were very very close to reality, specially the romance part. I always thought sitting in the living room and watching TV after work was romantic...but not for the feminine gender.