The Bird of Crimson and Gold

Kamran9999#20

``focus refocus on female form``to say the least,You only see what you look for, breast ``sprouting like buds`` later become ``Pendulous``.etc. etc.Sensual or sexual,i dont know?

Jawahara, beautiful imagery and wonderful focus (and re-focus) on the female form.

-!K!-

this was such a pleasure to read.

thank you

Re: Jawahara, #4

``I apologize.``

No need. You write well. And, like you, I still love chapatis!

I don`t think I was actually trying to say anything at all in or through this piece. It`s one of those things that just write themselves.

For those who wondered why the hudband and kids were so apathetic, I guess it is because Rani and their life is very usual. It is not even that her husband is ill-tempered or her kids bad...they just are. These families are the rule rather than the exception, all roles neatly laid out. As a child I wondered (and still do I guess) why no-one just went mad with boredom and routine and not do something, anything to break out of it.

I remember, sometimes when a train pulling into a station would slowly steam past small concrete blocks of houses. Usually inhabited by government or railway clerks. And sometimes you could look in through a window and see a ``Rani,`` cooking or doing one of the million mundane things that we all do. Except in my imagination (perhaps rightly so, who knows?) that is all she would do.

And I suppose, unconsciously, the same snippets of images glimpsed through moving trains, rather than a whole story, is what I put down here.

If this post appears disjointed, please blame it on my jet lag. 3 time zones in one week is not a good thing...

Just beautiful and captivating. Outstanding work.

I`m really glad to have logged on and read your piece. You are a wordsmith par excellence. This is poetry. The flow and the ` are visualization` are really sensational. However, I have a feeling that what you reveal is merely a part of the whole. This could easily be an excerpt from a novel you may be writing. Perhaps this is a mere start and you may fill in more as the piece expands in your mind. Because like Kafir, I too feel that you didn`t unveil all the pieces of the jigsaw and thus there appears to be this juxtapositioning of intense, high-density material along side vague emptiness. It is also possible that you intended it to be that way.

However, I as a reader, got ravenous for more `meat` with each succulent morsels you supply before pulling away the bone.

...SR

Beautifully told vignette, Jawahara. Your capacity to create fresh, striking images is inspiring. The last few paragraphs are a tour de force, as temporal already said, and I can taste the moisture on my skin right now (lovely). But I have to disagree with Oye beacuse I don`t feel you have fully captured the essence of Rani. I left the story feeling that I don`t know this woman very well. I know what she does and what roles she plays, but I don`t know what she thinks or how she feels (apart from the obvious that she`s hot as hell and needs to cool down). How does she feel about her hot-tempered husband, about her snot-nosed children, about her having to sacrifice her own relief while she fans her family, about the men who ogle and whistle at her blossoming womanhood? What is that inner fire all about? I need to make an emotional connection with Rani in order to sympathize with her and genuinely feel her relief and joy when the bird and monsoon arrive. Otherwise the story remains a technical marvel but emotionally unmoving (for me). Keep up the great work! (I only offer criticisms because I care.)

Is the miserable existence (shared by most of our countryfolks) depicted here a condition or a problem? If the former, then I would join the other people replying here and commend Jawahara on the beautiful prose. If the latter (as I hope others will agree), then we better forget the prose and start thinking of what we can do to ensure that Rani (or at least her child) is part of the final generation that has to live this way.

A very well written piece. You capture the very essence of Rani. I loved your vivid descriptions.

Good to see another work by JS, amongst the top writers ever published on CHOWK.
This is a beautiful presentation. One
can easily get lost in it. But the message remains
elusive.
Just keep writing JS. You are gifted. Put together a collection and get an agent.

Ras

Jawahara,

What talent! You have transformed the ordinary into something extraordinary. I enjoyed reading it very much.

Fozia

Jawahara:

What a construction. A subtle build up to the third last paragraph.

The last three paragraphs are brilliant dancing on the needle point. You are talented. Keep it up. ``Oh that feels good.``

regards

Jawahara,

Another great short story!

I absolutely love the sensuality in all of your

writing.

Still haven`t quite figured out yet whether that `fire` Rani feels is postive energy, negative (in the form of frustration/resentment), a repressed desire or all of the above?

Fozia

A study in sensuality. This is great work!

B.

Godot, I apologize. I still love chapatis nevertheless.:-)