Not Far, Now

A poem should not be judged on the extent of sensualness it puts forward.I like it because it does not scream out desires..rather it whispers the feelings the poet feels with the aid of very subtle symbolism. I do think that it lacks a certain refineness but it isn`t a bad attempt at all. in fact any thing written with earnest is not bad at all.

I agree with PM that this poem is ``sweet``. The emotions it tries to portray are not fully developed or mature-much like a first love experience in junior high school.

re:Manail

Sensual? no way. This doesn`t even come close... Aatish`s work is a very good example of sensual poetry. In prose Jawahara Saidullah is the best I`ve seen on in terms of sensuality on Chowk.

Just my humble opinion of course!

Regards,

Fozia

Not sensual enough!
Nice delivery in parts but could have used
some more energy.

Ras

Umber, you take quite a level-headed stance, and i agree with you when you say that`s it`s not THAT good a poem, but i stand by my weak knees at some of its very touching lines. The hair wet from distant rain, the shy eyes, the discarded shoes, the cupped hands, the quiet ``being home,`` all make me think of a fire-warmed lodge on a drenched green hill, a lovers` retreat that holds the rest of the world far away. Perhaps the lovers can only make this ``home`` for a little while, snatching a few tender hours together before heading back into the rain and the rest of the steak-and-mayonnaise-salad eating world.

----

I know i should let it go.

(i mean no harm)

But here is

a poem for Omar Phoenix,

who said, ``A good poem

is like a steak with salad.``

Yes, Omar, but a really good poem

is like lasagna.

Multi-layered, Italian,

preferably with mushrooms.

And carefully constructed tiers

that either solidify meaning

or topple under the weight

of an inexpert hand.

----

Hamid,

Quite touching, in it`s own warm-but-shy way!

The implorings in the first stanza seem beautifully unsophisticated... honest... unencumbered...

In the second, the ``shoes`` line didn`t do much for me, but again, there`s some really evoative in:

Let my hands cup yours...

(I guess you have to be there, huh? :-) )

...and something quite knee-weakening in:

All the cells in my body awaited you.

That total, absolute longing, desire, immanent union...

Kewl! (in a warm way, of course)

``weaving hope in the wilderness

I made you a bed of tender love``

Found that honest, expressive and dew-droppy sweet.

best regards,

PM

This poem has some underlying tones, secret messages perhaps, passed on to a ``beloved`` thru this forum. I get the feeling the poem was written to a single person, and is surviving ridicule before it reaches its ultimate destination.

About the criticism...it was a little harsh, maybe a bit too cynical. Hamid, please don`t be discouraged, and keep writing.

The writer seems to be experiencing a momentary lapse into Romeotism; if this is the case, he/she should be allowed some expression of these theatrics.

Did we all forget about those miles crossed in the rain, at the wee hours of the morning just to sneak a glance of your lover....

My well wishes, to you Hamid.

s

Amber:

Of course, there is something in the poem.

My sympathies were with the ``beloved`` as it seemed that she was told to do a, b, c and etc in a chronological order. That is how the analogy of ``robotic movements`` came to my mind (human mind):-) Hopefully, the poet will care to add the feelings of the ``beloved`` in his next poem . Just a suggestion!

Take Care

[I think the drizzle, wind-chill and falling leaves added fuel to the fire - New York`s Weather :-)]

Post # 10:

``I`` feel you are over-reacting.

`` especially when self-declared critics use heavy handed, crass imagery to criticize a sensitive, warm, shy piece of verse.``

-) Thanks for pointing out that it was a

``sensitive, warm, shy piece of verse``.

Well, after reading your ``emotional piece`` when I read the poem again, I was confirmed that it was lacking in everything that you have identified. But again, it is ones perception!

``It sure does make my knees weak to read about two people shyly cupping hands as rain falls in the distance. Quite sigh-worthy, Hamid, and i hope we can read more of your writing.``

-)Well, no doubt the imagery is cute but somehow it does not touch the reader`s heart. Ok, you may say he is shyly expressing his emotions. Now, that may carry some weight(1/2 lb or so). I think history has proven that most of the

``real Mujnoons/Ranjhas/Farhads/Punnoos/Mirzas/Romeos`` were shy.

So in light of the above, I will change the end of my previous critique. The Robot took all the instructions, acted accordingly and then vanished. Why ?

It could not withstand the emotional intensity expressed by the poet and thought to disappear without saying anything. (Tears)

Jesus, Chowkwallas. You talk of steak and salad and robots and X-rated movies when you read a love poem? I suppose everyone`s entitled to criticize poetry, but something in my rather elitist, English-majored heart objects to democratic critiques, especially when self-declared critics use heavy handed, crass imagery to criticize a sensitive, warm, shy piece of verse.

Bah, i say, to all the steak-eating, soft-porn watching robots out there, and while i`m not saying this is the best poem in the world, gee, it sure does make my knees weak to read about two people shyly cupping hands as rain falls in the distance. Quite sigh-worthy, Hamid, and i hope we can read more of your writing.

What the hell was this....It seems like a part of a XXX movie after it has been through with the pakistani censors.......... poor effort, try again sonny!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 5 (Sheheryar):

Before I care to jot down something on the poem itself, I must mention my appreciation for your spontaneity, wit, sarcasm and above all the flow :-) I think to each poem you can produce a counter and/or enhancements etc. :-)

Your last additions on Manail`s poem (``Showing the grim side``)were equally beautiful.

Keep it up!

Dear Hamid,

Loved the language but what happened then? A good poem is like a a steak with salad. The steak fills you and the salad with mayonnaise gives it the flavour. You`ve done a salad poem because the flavour`s there but where`s the plot or bulk. Where`s my steak God damnitt!!!

Take care and best wishes

Omar phoenix

hmmmm....i don`t know what to make of this poem.

it`s amusing (in a harlequin romance sort of way)

sorry for the comparison :)

I am death

The end you longed for

And yet you did not have

the courage to cut

I am death

But I want for you

to be happy once

For once in your wretched life

I am death

When you cried into

your pillow

``Allah Mujhe Uthalay``

I was the only one listening

Now hear my sweet voice

Pick up your blade

Your rope

And come home.

Hamid:

I read, gave up, came back later and tried again.

This expression did nothing for me.

May be it is me. May be it is the weather.
(Sorry, Manail.)

rgds

t

not bad::))