Hour of Separation

Aaria (alias lagta hai jaldi mai socha tha!) has done an outstanding job in expressing a rather over analyzed and typical scenario in a desi girl’s life. The concept of “finally” letting go of her first love is expressed with a personal touch and one wants to read one…

I did expect the dude with a gold medal running after the baraat, screaming “yo don’t go…I swear I called but your mother kept slamming the phone at first, then my long distance and cell phone are just so……HEY! So what I took 8 years? I’m here now…hey you can’t do this to me….No, no – STAY! – You know I can run till you drop……HEY!”

Female (human) emotions, helplessness, nostalgia, hurt and coming to terms with what’s real has been expressed in a colorful way. Some may call it sappy, others may feel the idea has been taken out of 999 Indian movies. Be that as it may but true human emotions have been brought to life in a series of flash backs of something she held on to so closely. Keep writing!

Unknowing meaning not knowing what could have been, challenge by knowing that they cannot be with the person they want and intrigue by the sense of uncertainity in their future.

Aaria: you should expand a bit more on what you meant by ``this sense of loss and unknowing, challenge which intrigues most people about their first love``.
Sense of loss I understand, but the rest I don`t know what you mean.

temporal: now that you put it like that, I can`t remember who my first love was :)
I assumed it to mean the first meaningful relationship you do have. The first meaningful relationship I had lasted a long time, it was a long-distance thing, but the `first love` feeling was very strong. It was like a `bachpan ka saathi` thing. So honestly I can`t say if what I would reminisce about is the childhood memories, the expectations, hopes of a growing adult etc. or is it this feeling that somehow that love cannot be replaced.
I don`t know yet, however give me a few more years, and one or two more `loves` and I will be in a better position to distinguish what it was. I think you may be right, that some people have limited opportunities - and therefore when they do like someone it`s pretty strong, some other people may have more opportunities to have variety of feelings, crushes, puppy love etc. and therefore may not attach so much intensity to just one `love`.

However, I don`t think we can generalise this to women or men, true in south asia it is so, men may be more prone to not being so totally in love with one person - but I know a few such men, my uncle was one. While he may have been attracted to many women, he considered the woman he had his first meaningful courtship with to be his first love. And this time when I see him, I`ll ask him what he feels about that romance now that he`s happily married to someone else.

Brat:

thought I posted a reply…maybe not…

desi men ‘fall in love’ with a frequency that is unmatched by desi women…almost anything that moves or is behind a veil or skirt…tonga, rickshaw, car…sometimes several times a day…such are the ways…and predictably with the same results…

…the opportunities for such ‘falling’ are limited for the desi women…

…most of these situations reveal a one sided infatuation or obsession not real love…having said that…it is easier for the women to recall their first love…

..do you remember your first love?

…mine?…well, now that I think about it it must have been that teacher in grade five with dimples…nah, that was too oedipal?….then it must be the girl in the front in IX C?…no, no…well then one of those two non-twin sisters that looks soooo alike in BA Prev?…but no how can that be when I was madly in love with that chief justice’s adopted daughter who really loved my friend?…ah well…I give up…on recalling first love….laikin aik baat batatay challaiN….would never have traded any one of them for my current love...

...t

Brat-

The memory of the first love may be as strong for a man as it is for a woman. I believe that for whatever reason its this sense of loss and unknowing, challenge which intrigues most people about their first love.

temporal:

I`ve heard similar things from SameerJB, could I request you expand on why the memory of first love is so strong for desi women and not for desi men?

Aaria:

...finally i read your story...don`t know why i kept putting it off...


very nicely worded...


...these sentiments are felt in the immediate aftermath of engagement and wedding...distance...meaning passage of time diminishes their intensity and relevance...

for the desi women it is a double whammy of sorts...the memory of first love stands out in her mind more than in the minds of the desi men...but with time...children and all...it diminishes...why am i repeating myself?

khair...please keep contributing,

lve,

t

Brat - :giggles: Is it that obvious? I just can`t help it. :)

Ummm...furst b4 I 4get.. fisherwoman (aloha) .. it`s sooo easy to say marriage with one and love with another just doesn`t cut it. But it`s sooo incredibly hard to do.

``How well with the girl in the story love the man she is married to if she is thinking of the medal man through out her own wedding?`` - hmm.. not very well in my experience, if she doesn`t let go and clings on to the past. But seems like the girl in the story has already let go, and is only thinking of past times as sweet memories. Looks like this girl will make it. That`s a good sign. :)

It`s hard to love someone, simply because love, like death... takes u somewhere u have no idea about. And u r not that eager to go there. Oh u may seem like u are, at that time.. but when u look back on it, and see the consequences of your love, you realize, that what went wrong in it was because of ur own actions/inactions... that u were not proactive in dealing with the situation. Instead of leading, instead of having courage.. u were lead by love. Into blind alleys.

This is why - this fear of the unknown - is why a person (1) doesn`t admit that love can take hold of u at any age (to answer Brat`s q).. and (2) doesn`t let go of the safety of a convetional marriage.. which will at minimum provide companionship if nothing else.

Both men and women who generally `fall` in love have only one thing in common-they don`t get laid enough!! End of story.

later
-sac

Liked the poignant sense of half-loss half-gain that emanates from both your stories. Quite fitting given the semi-sundered lives we lead. Well done.

Aaria
I dont think marrying a guy you dont love is a sacrifice. It is plain and simple silly and if the man/woman involved is unaware, its wrong. I`d go so far as to say that this is a messed up notion of qurbani and tears promoted almost entirely by films and books. Such qurbani wali marriages working out usually sells like hot chicken rolls because they appeal to the martyr and sap in us :) There ARE instances where it works out but in most cases its a big fat disaster. Regret, anger, bitterness or hurt are not thing you want to walk into a relationship with, especially the most special relationship of your life. We all need to be good to ourselves-- and if in the shoes of your story’s bride, to take time out, to let calm things in out heart, undergo a spiritual bypass of sorts and then maybe love again. If things dont work out with whoever one is in love with, then wait. Extract that person from your mind. Appears difficult but once you let go off the soft and sweet notions and start working on and blowing out of proportion the guys/girls faults, ;) it does happen. The idea is to fall out of love, to stop loving with so much intensity some one things didnt work out with—for your own sake and happiness and that of whoever u will eventually settle down with. Once that is accomplished one can marry another so that atleast the marriage stands a good and fair chance of working. It is unfair to marry someone when in love with another. Bad idea. Someone I know is going through something of the sort. Her ex, a sweet intelligent young man close to her in age wants to marry her. She is in love with someone else who doesnt. The ex is aware of this yet persists. That, in my opinion is idiocy. If she marries him she will have a husband who is intelligent, funny, worships her, a smashing set of inlaws and social and financial security in abundance. But she cant do it, simply for the reason that she isnt in love with him anymore. I think thats the smart, fair and right thing to do. Everyone deserves tlc :) To deprive the nice boy who loves her so much of the same is not nice. If she were to be pragmatic, she’d do it but pragmatism is much too overrated in her opinion and I quite agree. Also, as WM puts it, one needs to be `prepared for the consequences of your choice and take personal responsibility of your choice.` She is not prepared to take a responsibility as monstrous as this because there are many factors playing wildly in any relationship. All kinds of good and bad things happen and fate, circumstances and situations are strongly in play all the time. Dealing with all of this would be very difficult in a marriage when in love with another. So she`s taking her time. Once over the man she loves, she will move on. Key point that she needs to get over him and move on, thats the priority. Not marry another man while in love with him. By choice or zabardasti, it wouldnt bode well. How well with the girl in the story love the man she is married to if she is thinking of the medal man through out her own wedding? I`m repeating myself now.

Regarding the man woman thing, as sad as it is, most men and women in our society consider the woman responsible for the making and breaking of a marriage. It`s no new news, why we have sayings like `aurat hee ghar banatee hae`. :) It`s part of the social psyche, we`ve all accepted it. Equal respect and space is a notion many espouse, almost all do nowadays actually- its quite fashionable, but very few understand and a small teeny weeny percentage practices. But there are some beautiful folks in this world. They understand the joys of equal companionship. Inshallah we will all find such a person to spend our life with.

I hope very much your bride will be happy with the man she has married.

LadyAna: Now I know it, you like being the Devil`s advocate. don`t you? :) but thank you for the balancing words, what you say is so true. I think people tend to see love as one or the other, and not as something that`s the beginning of a process - of evolving (hopefully) feelings towards each other in a couple (that say are in love and stay together, or don`t stay together, but their feelings don`t disappear!).

SameerJB had said something that rendered me speechless, he said that guys don`t have this `first love` issue in south asian community. While I agree that his argument is very strong (oh my god i`m arguing about love!) i don`t think that`s necessarily true. I think that as in any other society the guys have an onus that they have to be `macho` and that could hardly be going all out for just one girl! All the comments about how the girl has him wound around her little finger etc...all lead to the same thing - you are a guy, therefore you cannot be all this lovey dovey bull-shit. I say why not?? Why not. Love is something beautiful. And has many forms (according to persian literature quoted in Dil Se...seven forms -- someone please expand on this?).

So, for some people it`s just an infatuation - and it remains that. For some people it moves beyond that. What happened to this girl in the story, Aisha can only be explained by her (or the author :)). What did the girl feel? since it was one-sided - or seemed to be -- what did she think about it as she was growing and changing, and as she met other people etc.?

But what I see on this board is most people saying stuff like - ``ohh, what is it, just hormones, nothing else. It`s the stuff teenagers get preoccupied with. Grow up.`` While all of this may largely be true -- I think there are exceptions. I think there are `sleepless in seattle`/`when harry met sally` type of sappy people who do love like that, who do think love is something wonderful. who do hope that one day they`ll be able to settle down with someone they``d want to grow old with them etc. etc. BUT most of us don``t want to say it out loud.

I don`t see how the `man` in this story is being taken for a ride?

As with anything else in life - taste in music, clothes, books, poetry, a person`s idea of their ideal mate changes. And everyone has a different idea of who they want to be with, some people fantasize more and see less of the practical side as far as `love` and being with someone is concerned, other people just see the practical side and reserve fantasizing for...er...special moments (sorry couldn`t resist that one). So people change and grow - what`s new about that? why blame love for the supposedly puppy love phase teenagers go through? Why assume that only teenagers fall in love and believe in all this first love business?? (Please please challenge me, there must be a mental block i need to get over -- LadyAna this is issuing a challenge not being apologetic! Yes I know I have too much time on my hands, but don`t tell that to my boss/supervisor)

ummm.. why does it always have to be the woman who is seen to have the burden of making a marriage work? No.. a lot of times, it is the man who is struggling to keep up with a grossly unjust incompetent woman he is forced by social dictates to call ``wife``.

The pendulum swings both ways.

And this story could also have been of a young boy who has to marry to satisfy his family, of a girl who he ``loved`` from afar and could never tell his feelings to... happens all the time too.

It`s not sad at all. It is, at that time. Feels like your world is caving in. But time heals everything. For boys, as well as for girls. Both have hearts y`all. And a heart is a living breathing beating thing.. it won`t stop experiencing new emotions no matter how much u restrict it to.

Marriages are different. Love is something that dies.. and that`s why a lot of marriages collapse. But it`s also something that if u give it a chance, it keeps getting re-born, in different forms... it`ll move from love to dislike to hate to spite to tolerance to acceptance to compassion to pity to empathy to compromise.. it`s not a static freezeframe feeling at all. As a person, and a marriage, matures, love is always moving about. After 50 years, u don`t see couples all lovey dovey and falling over each other.. but they still have that spark in their eyes that says we`ve accepted each other, for good or for bad, and this is love, and this is life.

aaria,

this story touched.

and you wrote it in a very `neat` format.

For all those ``sleepless in Seattle types``...:-) pullheez...! there is however another kind of love that comes with age and maturity, yeah, the one which comes with immense mutual respect and devotion, the same one which comes with a lot of responsibility and thoughfulness, the one which really means, I shall be still around in sickness and in bad times. If you have that kind you are set. What an abcd`s idea of love is totally makes me feel for them, they clearly in several worlds while going through hormonal changes...they might as well do it while their peers are at it and clear their systems. Its almost funny when women experience the same problem here where the sexual and personal freedom is in abundance and there where the sexes are totally segregated....dare I say there is something wrong with women in general...NO I WON`T SAY THAT, there is nothing wrong with women, this story could be of boy instead of a girl suffering from the same syptoms as the person described in the story. I say do what ever you please but be ``prepared for the consequences of your choice and take personal responsibility of your choice`` just don`t be a whinny little turp...:-). Honestly in this story, the real victim is the man who doesn`t even know that he is been taken for a ride...:-) Where is the truth people...its is just me ...me ...me.... The word love is thrown around here so much that it makes me laugh, every one loves every one else..........BULL...:-), most peoples` idea of love is the ``good times`` till they find themselves with their lawyers fighting over candle sticks holders...:-)

Fisherwoman,

Well stated. You are right on point.
Theres just one thing I`d like to add, I believe the union of marraige is one that takes two to work out. Oftentimes it seems like the girl has the burden of making it work and the man has his own agenda. However speaking from a Pakistani-American point of view, it is often difficult for us woman to succumb to that realization.

Not to be a femi-nazi.. but we deserve equal respect above all.

As for marrying a guy you don`t love, thats where sacrifice comes into play, but in this story it was Aisha`s own choice to marry her groom and to let go of her first love, in many cases unfortunatley it doesn`t happen this way. Forcing someone into something is a surefine sign of disaster.

Thanks for your kind words and advice, Inshalla we will all find a way to live a happy healthy and balanced life filled with love to give.