Conflicts of Imagination

Thanks MNI for the constructive criticism. I will send my future efforts to you for islaaH if I think I need to :-)

Yaar...this is not Asif`s fault.

He wrote a piece of work....in a similar vein , it seems to me, ..as Faiz`s ``do ishq``. The concept is old, but still interesting. HaaN ..shaa`iri meiN he needs islaah. But no one deserves to be a target of invective for trying, no matter how deficient his attempt is.

I regret to say that Chowk Staff is the party that deserves a degree of opprobrium for lax editorial standards. Someone should have sent the poem back to Asif, with suggestions on how to improve it. I am sure Asif would have obliged. I realize that part of the problem could have been the lack of a competent editor for Urdu submissions -- Urdu not being the strong suit of many here on Chowk. In that case, may I suggest that there are people on Chowk -- Khamkhwa, SameerJB, Temporal, to mention three -- who are able to understand and evaluate such works, and suggest improvements. Maybe their help should be sought?

Asif:

The only parts I would comment negatively on, are the footnotes. To me, it seems that translating phrases like ``Sarwar-e-kaainaat``, and ``ashraf ul makhlooqaat``, or ``pul siraat`` is a little patronizing. You should give your readers more credit.

Moreover, I don`t remember the term ``ashraf ul makhlooqaat`` being used anywhere in the Qur`an. For that matter, I am not sure that ``makhlooqaat`` is a correct Arabic construction. But I could be mistaken on this point.

And finally, forgive me for splitting hair, but since ``Pul Siraat`` is not a standard theological term. (You can scour Dhikr al mawt wa ma ba`dahu to find it :) ) I`d write the footnote as ``Pul Siraat refers to the bridge`` and so on...

Khair...yaar I know ppl are slamming you for your effort. But for next time, if you need another pair of critical eyes for your Urdu poetry, feel free to contact me. Mera bazm-e-khayaal go keh veeraan hai, but I am okay at suggesting improvements in poetic expression.

nasah sahib,
thanks for the concern but i assure you i am not depressed! As the Sabri Brothers so eloquently sang, `` (ay Musulmaan) `ishq e Ahmad ka nasha tere liye kaafi hai!`` (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

And the answer to your second question is no. :-) it`s haram akhi.
Am looking for a bride though--that is halal insha Allah.

Ramadan mubarak!

dear naqsh miaN -- i hope u r not entering early menopause -- why u sound so depressed?

what sublimation! -- don`t u have a girl friend?

khamkhwa.

Good, Thanks for playing.

ari O`punjaban kuRRiye, khamkhwa ko shairi per lagae rakh
aur phir maidan saaf hotay hi Sameer sae ankh laRaye rakh

ya allah sub kuch teray hath mera tau aik hath kafi masroof
bus muslamanoN ko pork aur shrab noshi sae bachaye rakh

temporal,
Since when did poetry (or whatever passes for it these days) come to be the only form of creative writing?

temporal,
... on unplugged we have better standard of urdu poetry than the one under discussion. a set of words is given and one has to come up with a reasonable piece within three hours at the most. here are three of my pieces alongwith set of words. i am sure you would find radeef, qafia and maulana Hali equally at peace with my pieces...;))

Moti, faltoo, aaina,nikammi,paltoo,adabi,titlee,mudhosh,
pashtu,makhmali,thailand,makhruti,chalakta and ghungrialay.

Piece # 1.


ye makhmali fur coat tere jism per
iss tarah sajta hai meri naazneeN
jaisay kumsin mutriba raqsaN hui
aik anjaani si dhun per be-khabar
waqt goya faltoo lamhoN ke misl
youN uRa jaata hai titli ki tarah
ab kabhi wapus ne aaye lowt ker

motioN ke haar pehnati hai kyoN
maiN hamesha muztarib teray liye
zulf-e-ghungraili haiN goya nagineN
her ghaRi dusti hai mujhko bar bar
teri aankhoN ke chalktay jaam se
pee raha huN umr bhar ke wastay
kaun lowta hai kabhi ujRe dayaar





lahlahati ,airport ,aaghosh, kaasni, nazuk, visa
haram,aandhi,udaas,makrooh, dosheeza and shrimp.
Piece #2

Ay mere dil ke airport tujhe kya maloom
Aik ajnabi ghus aaya hai ankhoN main meri

kaasni rung main malboos haseena nazuk
aaye gi aur meri aghosh maiN kho jaay gi

jiss ka visa meri pocket ne chupa rakha hai
ous shrimp ki manind jo makrooh bhi hai

khushbu ki tarah haNsti hui dosheezayeN
lahlahate haiN havaoN main aanchal jinke

baarha paas se dekha tha jhuki nazroN se
jaise jugnu koi chamka ho siah ratoN maiN

yak bayak door ufaq main koi bijli kaRki
gurd alood fiza lay ke phir aandhi aayee

aur tayyara fizaoN maiN bikhar ker toota
saari khilqat ko ghum andoh udaasi aayee

dekhne waloN ne phir ik aag ka gola dekha
mera ajnabi anjan fizaoN ka musafir hoga

khamkhwa phir kisi ne tujhe tanha choRa
meray dil ka ye airport bahut haNsta hai


shama, mausam, deewana, aatish,rangeen, aansoo,timtimati
khwahish,bhanwar, parwana naazniN and justajoo.

Piece #3
Perwanay ke dil ke under tareeki shor machaye hai
timtim kerta shama ka shola angan main lehraye hai

Ruposh hua andhiyara jub aatish noor bikheray hai
kitnay qarnoN se ye afsaana ooperwala dohraye hai

RangeeN mausam ke aate hi daman kaise chaak hua
zindaN se chutkaare ki khwahish kyuN taRpaay hai

NazneeN thi jiss ne bhugta tha duniya ke saray ilzam
aansoo aankh se aik na tapka dil tou per bhar aavay hai

Khatti meethi yaadeN mujhko tung kare haiN rozaana
Raka tujh ko door se dekhay papi mun lulchaay hai

Ain bhaNwar main phaNsi hai nayya aur koi patwaar nahiN
Khamkhwa tera waqt hai aaya Rub ko kyuN bhulvaay hai

Pardaisi...
dono jahaan teri mohabbat maiN haar ke
voh jaa raha hai koi shab-e-gham guzaar ke
faiz....

#26: Why try translating? Here is the original by Faiz:

donoN jahaan teri mohabbat mein haar ke
woh jaa raha hai koi shab-e-gham guzaar ke

viraan hai maikada khum-o-saaghar udaas hain
tum kya gaye ke ruth gaye din bahaar ke

ek fursat-e-gunah mili woh bhi chaar din
dekhe hain hum ne hausle parwardigaar ke

duniya ne teri yaad se begaana kar diya
tujh se bhi dilfreb hain gham rozgaar ke

bhule se muskra ke diye woh aaj Faiz
mat puchh walwale dil-e-nakarda kaar ke


Bhai saab, This little prank of yours could have worked on the ones who have abandoned urdu. Better luck next time. I hope you have heard this ghazal beautifully sung by Iqbal bano.

Regards,
Aasif

This is just for fun lets see how quickly someone can traslate this in Urdu....

Having lost both the worlds in the game of love,
There goes a lonesome man, ending his night of grief.

Desolate lies the tavern, abandoned lies the cup,
With your departure, spring has taken leave.

Just a mere four-day leave given to us to sin,
How magnanimous, you see, is our mighty Lord!

The world has expunged your memory from my mind,
More engaging than you are the cares of daily life.

To-day, [writers name here], unawares she chanced to give a smile,
O what a swell and surge within my powerless heart!

Chowk Staff-

I thought spam was not allowed, read #8. This makes me think if anyone is reading post before posting them on Chowk.


#8 Cipram
AND YOUR POINT IS????
are you kidding us ? why not add names yourself and have your friends send it to whoever you want to prove this to.
what a loser.

Was it THAT bad Urstruly bhai?! Oops! I normally do not like ``azad`` poetry myself (free verse) but i just wanted to express an idea and wrote this in like 5 minutes extempore. I did the English translation much later.

Inquirer

I didn`t notice that I was writing a poem, but it did come out better than Nasbandis :)

Naqshbandi reminds me so much of Monty Python movies. I wonder why?

t:

Not everyone can be a poet. And those who can be are either gay or tortured....or both. Ducking and running for cover................

later
-sac

temporal bhai, shouldn`t we be ready for any new form of poetry style that some budding poet might write up and want to share with others? After all everything requires experimentation and before it establishes itself, and when it comes to literary art anything new should be criticized but should be considered a new addition in the list of existing styles... you get my point? It might be possible that the poet is trying to convey something which might not be understood on the first read but the meaning finally pops up when the true intentions of the poet are known... and I think that is what art is all about... to show something that is different... to add new colors in the rainbow!