Eye of the Beholder

Re: # 8
shyed aap ko itna bold sentence kahnay walay kabhi milay nahi is liyay itna appreciate kar rahi hain, yahan to her larkay ka yahi haal hai or woo baytab hai gals ko naked dekhnay kay liyay....
pata nahi is mai achi baat kiya thi... or agr koi larka is say bhi zyada bold ho kar kisee larki say apni wish ka izhar karday, to is ko app kitna appreciate karain gi ????

I liked ur boldness more than ur poem.

“Your rough bare feet,
A symbol of defeat,
A novel of escape,
A story of retreat;” (bare feet, a symbol of defeat is really beautiful)
and after it u wrote
“Your huge brown breast,
A symbol of unrest,
I wish to see it naked!”
I know she could protest;

Its more bold and beautiful stanza. however, most of people don`t like to discribe their wishes like u, but have unvoiced desire in their hurts. the above stanza remindes me a shair of Ahmed Fraz,
kissay Naseeb, ka bay.perahen(naked) ussay dakhaye
kabhee khbhar to Dar-O-Dewar Ghar ka dekhtaye hain.
(but I couldn`t understand y u wrote Could inspite of can).``could`` create a tentative situation that she could protes against ur wish but she din`t.) is it so? anyhow finally ur peom and ur style is good and resembles with our old Urdu poets.

I think, you can produce, something, more useful.

“Your burnt dark skin,
A symbol of the sin,
The sin that you inspire,
Like porn and bathtub gin;”


“Your quiet dry lips,
A symbol of eclipse!”
I think if I could kiss them,
They’d taste like chocolate chips;



Magnificient Genre of Poem. A rare Read.
Keep up the Good work.
Waqai PagalPan hai ...

“Your ugly round face,
A symbol of disgrace,
I don’t intend to hurt it,
Its just a coup de grace ;

It was a good little poem but, without seeming pedantic, this stanza did not fit the pattern of rhyme simply because ``coup de grace`` does NOT rhyme with ``face`` since it is pronounced--if I remember correctly--with the ce silent hence coo-dee-graa

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“Your huge brown breast,
A symbol of unrest,
I wish to see it naked!”

This reminds of a an Urdu shair I heard once. I think it is actually from a pretty famous Urdu poet:

``na saib, na angoor, an anaar mein hai.....
jo mazaa teeray seenay kay ubhar mein hai....``

“Your rough bare feet,
A symbol of defeat,
A novel of escape,
A story of retreat;”

More feet.............

.... i think i am going to cry !

This reminds me of Anne Carson`s Sumptious Destitution...only I`m not sure if the footnote is a put on or not. The narrator`s voice is a bit trite; ``porn, chocolate chips, gin`` etc. We`re not dumb, we can get it what the writer is getting at. The rhyme scheme does nothing for this piece.

The poem has potential, however.