Close Encounter

Never, in the history of Chowk, has one individual amused so many for so long with so little. :)
Salim

Soulat #29:

ok fun time;)

so janab tanqeed-nigar sahib says:

What I find interesting is that Jamil was not able to say hi(``Jamil had uttered `Hi` to his friend Jack, the ever lurking air marshals nabbed him`` ) but he said it in the paragraph above(`Hi Jack,` he said) so which statement is correct?

let us visit the sequence:

`Hi Jack,` he said.

Jack who had had a few martinis while waiting for the flight responded with a thick `Hi Jack,` as he struggled to unfasten his seat belt and get up from his seat. …

As soon as Jamil had uttered `Hi` to his friend Jack, the ever lurking air marshals nabbed him and before he could protest he and Jack were off-loaded and taken to the interrogation cell in the basement of terminal.

the sequence has been established…the correct utterances recorded for the reader earlier on… “hi jack” was spelled out fully thrice earlier on in the space of 89 words…hence my decision to reduce the second ‘hi’ in the last paragraph...

next: And what about that “ever lurking” air marshal? I did not know that they lurk so blatantly…

this is subjective…seasoned travelers can spot them hanging around the plane entrance eyeing the passengers as they enter the air craft

am not sure if this helps…ok back to being serious!

rgds,

t

Re: # 48

Salim

``Never, in the history of Chowk, has one individual amused so many for so long with so little.``

And you say he does not have talent!!!

Romair # 44:

ok fun time with you also...here are some angles being pursued here directly and indirectly…hijack is a metaphor for:

* how we are becoming so paranoid post 9/11
* recent london train bombing
* spain train bombing
* how the citizens are conditioned to view browns and beards with-suspicion by the government and the media in the west
* how this racial profiling affects children in the schools
* how all his leads to profile targeting and hate crimes

do you think this overt paranoia is harmful or helpful?

ok back to seriousness;)

rgds

t

Monday is NOT my fun day...

On this idle day, I tried to become a tanqeed nigar, I took my first shot and here you come back at me and made me read it twice :)
Your explanation “Hi jack and Hi” may be quiet clear in your head but it has an ulqat in it.
I will buy your explanation reluctantly.

Well! I said you made me read this twice. So, now I deserve passing grades from some NYC university :)

On my second pass, I found a couple of more minor things…I am not a language teacher nor do I claim to write pristine English, however, as a writer you must have gone over this piece several time then how did you miss this:

You wrote “a groupie songwriter for a R&R band” Do you see the error here?

It should have been “an R&R band” a rock and roll band is correct but “a R&R” band is incorrect. You wrote this in MS word and MS word would have picked up this error for you with appropriate settings for grammar.

There is a strong influence of Urdu story writing on this piece. Some sentences appear to have come right out of some auratoon ka afsana type magazine.

Read this:

“Shaista gently pulled at Jamil. Getting up in the morning was an ordeal for him.”


“He recognized his University friend Jack who was returning back from a gig in Montreal.”

“Over the years he maintained a tentative link with both Jerome and Jack. In the spring of `98 Jerome was killed in a motorcycle accident. At Jerome`s funeral he met Jack last.”

There are better ways to write these and some other statements.

Someone has already pointed out at the use of commas.

You sure do have talent and will do better next time around….. :)

So, am I now a confirmed tanqeed nigar?

mannu404 #42, #43: “... Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring, ...”

....cichlids are definitely more interesting than humans on chowk ........ yesterday the zebra was chasing the blue peacock around the tank, today they seem to be getting along just fine and are ganging up on this poor yellow thing .............

Soulat #52:

It should have been “an R&R band” a rock and roll band is correct but “a R&R” band is incorrect.

...i read the expanded version when i see...but i will concede you this point!

...your other comments are subjective...

i do look forward to seeing your contributions here when perhaps we can engage in similar dialogues…the pleasure will be all mine;)

as for your tanqeed nigari .... if you have seen mel brook`s ``a history of world part i`` then do you recall the opening scenes as the credits are rolling?...

rgds

t

hamidm:

add a plecostomous too to the tank ... they keep the tank clean

and do show up here tomorrow morning when i will once again drop the c word and we will immediately witnessed frenzied whirling ;)

rgds

t

Godot #48 {``Salim,
``Never, in the history of Chowk, has one individual amused so many for so long with so little.``
And you say he does not have talent!!! ``}

My friend Godot,
I fully agree. Our novice ``writer`` shows great promise.

Folks,
After his resounding success with the ``Hi Jack`` anecdote, our budding ``writer`` is embarking on several dazzling sequels - all involving clever twists on common, everyday greetings. Please be on the lookout for:

Hi there!
Hi men!
Al Half Is!
Hell O Mushy!

Let us continue to encourage him. After all senility is not to be confused with lack of credibility. Our Holy Prophet (PBUH) admonished that we should not speak ill of the dead. Can we do any less for those with one foot in the grave? :)
Salim

hamdim bro

what is 4.26 pm PT in istanbul time?

and be here tomorrow morning when we will witness the c dance again

cheers

Tbhai,

These are good passages. Understated and carried by subtle action. Both Jamil and Jack seem entirely believable and have the potential to deepen into three dimensional characters-when you develop this into a full length short story, hint, hint! I`d go with what seems to be an instinctive restraint present here-this is highly dramatic in terms of what your readers will bring to the piece-so your underplaying is skillful and ambiguous. This is EXACTLY the opposite of the melodrama that passes for writing-kudos!

As a side note, having seen some of the usual escapees from the psycho ward post here, I`m beg. to wonder how long chowk will tolerate this kind of stupidity from interactors who not only exploit the resources of chowk, but attempt to abuse its respected contributing writers as well.

Re: # 54

``this poor yellow thing``

Well put. This poor yellow little thing.

temporal #: It`s not good to beat up a good man, when he is down (not to mention, when everyone else is beating up on him). Even if he deserves it, based on this piece.........

But it`s been a long day, and one needs entertainment..........So here is another verse that applies, in this case:

kuj ujj vee rahwaan aukhiyan san
kuj gal vich vang da tauk vee see
kuj shahr day louk vee zalim sann
kuj mainun maran da shauk vee see

The cityfolk, have no doubt been cruel to you. But it truly seems like you had a deathwish...............

Dehk Tempura Sahib,

I am thinking this piece is like your name, lightly battered and fried vegetables. Theek hain, you have your pachinko bread crumbs vaisey jab rolling the gajjar, kukumber, mouli in the stuff doesnt bury the natural, healthy elements of the sabzi. Even though this sounds like a very Hindu kahani, I am thinking, maybe you are trying to say sometimes a chukunder looks like a lal mirch after its been deep fried. Abey, who is to tell? Fatso Bibi wont let me oil my own french fry because now she is on diet. For my own health, not for your leech lechur saalay dostay, she says wagging her tofu woefu at me. I dont know, but already eating all those good for nothing sabzi, she is becoming very taiz, like those hindus who are taking over the world...

But this Jack character reminds me very much of the bum jawaan that come into my store-oof, bijniz...angrezi keh bachay never amount to much, just drugging, shugging, mugging. This Jack yaar, this is what poor Jamil has for launday? Why is not Jamil enrolled in Islamic Sunday to Monday school where the good sisters and brothers will put out of his bhang head these ideas of hippydippy? Jamil, he is nice boy and Jack tho sharaabi lughtha hain, vaisey becharay Jamil ka khushamath is certainly! Please put in a car chase or scene with blood where Jamil finds true izzat and Allah, thank you very much!

Romair #61:

either you underestimate your abilities

or mine

:)

did i ask you a question?