Revisiting Myself: a Once-potted Plant with a Dictaphone?

saima, thank you for the lecture, except i didn`t see it as a lecture, more like someone saying `been there done that and it passes`. which is what i needed to hear. mothers are people too, they have good days and bad days, guess which kind the article was written after :) here`s to all `mad bad` mothers! maybe thats what should be on that t.shirt. as for the title, that was actually a line in the article, a para break, saying `i might as well be a potted plant with a dictaphone`, for the first time a chowk editor chopped and pasted. chopped well, but i dont think the title worked either.

samina, while we`re on studies, i read one which showed that statistically most women writers were more productive and better at what they did before they had children. one reason for this is simply, in my view anyway, that experience is the fuel which drives the creative writer. if you dont continue to have new experiences, real, raw experiences, how can you write with any authenticity? thats why the constant harping on lack of physical freedom, for example for the longest time i have wanted to attend a festival or visit a site in another location but i cant because its not the best place to take a kid. if you know of any that suggest otherwise, do send me a link. as for vaginnal bobby sock, it is meant to be reductive. i feel reduced.

but i did intend to make it clear that reduction was self imposed. kidbegetsgorillaz, you dont seem to get that. i`m not blaming anyone else, i`m not speaking for anyone else, and i dont feel compelled to either. i think reductive can, however, be applied to your comments about all the poor women imprisoned in their homes waiting for their husbands to wrench them forwards into the light.

also, what is liberating about putting a spoon into an open mouth? or teaching a baby how to say `mama`, i mean, koko can do it! enjoyable yes, interesting even, but liberating? also, having control over a tiny mind is wonderful, but it is after all still a `tiny` mind. occasionally, one wants interaction with a larger one. as for motherhood being a `sacred` experience, that requires a whole seperate article, one which i am in the process of writing.

raw dust, arif hasn`t talked to me about music since i told him i only said i liked the beatles to get him interested ;)

Re: # 19
``Most of these men go home to humdrum women who themselves are mothers, neither liberated in any sense of the word nor likely to be, and it is more than a job for them, it is a living. What does a woman accomplish by throwing another in a pitiful light, except thrusting those souls even further back into the darkness, from whence their men will never venture to extract them. We talk of liberation, let the freedom bells ring, etc, etc, but what do we really do? ``

wow. Very well put. Me says label `un-professional` (untrained in the art of wifing) `Wives` (read as both adjective and as verb) under a specially designed garb. How bout Sweats and T with a hat proclaiming, `Won`t. Just won`t--be happy or agree to anything.`` Oops. They already do that. The Professional Wives always let their husbands dutifully know just how they lucked out when they agreed to marry them. Me thinks the professional wife knows exactly how to save her marriage. It is the un-professional that needs tips.

Saima

Re: # 19

does echoboom have a new nic?

Saminasha, there is no ``metamorphosis``. you do not morph into something or someone else once you have a child, neither do you change. there is no kafkaesque. you simply.. grow.

I do not quite know how to put it.

I agree with Saminasha`s comment that vaginal bobby sock was too reductive. As for intelligence, I rarely allow myself to judge someone`s intellect or perceived lack of it.

Most women, asian and otherwise, will agree that being a woman is hard enough in general, without adding a husband/lover/etc and/or children into the bargain. Saima Shah has a valid point about the underlying fear that many mothers/wives have, that they may not be able to fulfill all their ``dreams``, adding to their frustration. That fear is real, that fear is hidden, and that fear is rabid. When it bites, it feels like Ms. Minhas`s article.

Not every mother is successful at what she does, or tries to do. Kids still turn out to be suicide bombers, rapists, etc. But motherhood is neither easy nor does it deserve a kick in the shins.

You can be a CEO/writer/newscaster/blah and still be a humble mother, there are many millions in every nation, they have had their share of frustrations at the terrible-twos, tiresome teens, teething and all other stages, they have had budgets to live within as well, and traffic jams, and everything else. But very few will think that ``ritualized monogamy and progeny are enemies of the free-range woman``. Like your friends, you can choose your enemies, and they do not have to be. It is a trial, but for most it is worth it.

Not to forget, children die too, just like adults, and that is another trial for motherhood, not to mention fatherhood. How can you diminish that? By generalizing and lumping such mothers into categories that shorn them of intelligence is disrespecting the dead.

About liberation in general, the reality is and will remain for sometime that for an average woman in any society, liberation comes in small piecemeal parcels.

When a woman has ten men prodding and gaping at her wide open legs with or without her husband cheering beside her, and society accepting her instantaeously, that is liberating (labor). When a child says its first words that she has taught it, that is liberating. To have control over a tiny mind, its diet, its health, its hairstyle, these small things are liberating, today, and I don`t see these basics changing atleast until the Amazonian warrior women take over the earth.

A small note. On a website where the majority readership is male, cheers pamphlet anarchy in any form good or bad, fantasizes about the perfect woman who drinks, smokes, has sex at the drop of the hat, oozes Gibran or Rumi from every pore, and can run a marathon in 2 mins or less, I would be a little careful about portraying something as sacred as motherhood with the amount of exuberant negativity Ms Minhas has shown. Most of these men go home to humdrum women who themselves are mothers, neither liberated in any sense of the word nor likely to be, and it is more than a job for them, it is a living. What does a woman accomplish by throwing another in a pitiful light, except thrusting those souls even further back into the darkness, from whence their men will never venture to extract them. We talk of liberation, let the freedom bells ring, etc, etc, but what do we really do?

Apologies for straying off topic, ranting, etc.

thanks kidbeegorilla.
it seems that two different takes are emerging on this topic, here. i am reading all these perspectives with interest and appreciation.

best.

Shandana,

My apologies if I sounded in anyway judgmental or like I was trying to pidgeonhole you-that was not my intention at all. Yes, I think you are right, I did respond to a few phases-but less as a kneejerk and more as block to blow to my solar plexus. Thank goddess for those innate reflexes! You are an amazing writer, but I can`t get behind ``vaginal bobby sock``-its too reductive to me. And this is written in the sense of discussion and nothing else.

I know there has been a lot of discussion lately on the roles of working mothers (its my belief, as your post testifies that most mothers work hard whether in/out/both of the household), and I am paying somewhat attention to them. I still don`t know what the hell will happen if I have a baby-I know you can appreciate the kinds of conflicts and issues that are involved. And yes, understanding the female body and the process of metamorphosis (sp is off today) to me leads me to disquieting thoughts.

Otoh, I`ve been thinking about some of those fabulously brilliant women writers who produced great text as well as bouncing babies-including you. And so, this delusion of whether you or any mother is intelligent is moot to me. You are.

As for your science comment, don`t get all Jerry Falwell on me, because I have no qualms about being Dover and talking to God`s deaf ear...

-S

Hi Shandana

The essay is brilliant but I just couldnt get the title too well.

I felt exactly like this for the last 10 years on and off. The frustration drove me insane to put it simply. At different times I contemplated suicide, abandonment--fortunately not for long. It quite amazes me that my son is so well adjusted in spite of a mad and bad mother. I found it so painful to give up my self. I thought I`d never get her back and I had lost me for life. Never to be 25, never to be even 30. I somehow had to juggle work, child, ambition, my hearts desire and being single. All of those all the time. I thought I`d never be able to write again. My memory went, concentration went, I couldn`t hold thoughts together because of the stress. One day, quite out of the blue, I forgave myself. Forgave myself for making mistakes, being imperfect, at fault, overweight, for loss of self, of opportunity of all the might have beens. Though it sounds like an ahaa moment it wasn`t. My liberation matured over time. Simple example, I realised that having memory problems isn`t so bad. You just adapt to it and grin when you lose your keys five times a day, over time you devise methods and reminders. If your son didn`t get a haircut it is ok--it will get done tomorrow.

Life throws a million frustrations towards us every moment. To stay true to ourselves we must create a special place in our minds where we just don`t think about what is going wrong and what might have been or what we just lost. Instead we move further towards what we really want. Practically speaking, meditation really helps me--coz I get to rest my negative thoughts and usually get some clue on how to deal with practical problems. It ends the agony of adaptation for a few minutes and shows me what is really important.

I guess one has to be a friend to oneself. Be kinder to ourselves--suppressing the naughty child within just doesn`t work. More and more parents want our children to be so mainstream. We want our kids to be the front row perfect child which we never were. This perfect mother idea is outrageous in the amount of sacrifice it demands and quite often that sacrifice becomes a permanent sort of frustration going right to the core of the personality. The loss of self that you feel is the sacrifice that you make to be a parent, you want instant reward for that, but if you feel that way you won`t be able to fake it for long.

As for smoking being an integral part of you. Well I dont think that smoking, alcohol or any substance reliance can give what people really need it for. The emotional needs under these have to be addressed--if you were a social rebel, than that`s you. You don`t need a cigarette for that--just the guts that made you smoke a cigarette. After becoming a parent, the rebel must mature into a leader.

It is a bit sad that growing up we never want to grow up, but the moment we have children, we want them to just grow up yesterday. I catch myself these days. Is this blaming, nagging, complaining woman me? Is this who I was at 13? no. Then why did I start that in my 20s/30s?--This my way of complaining against life. But, who is registering my complaint? who can do something about all the 100s of things that didn`t go as I wanted them? no-one. We must get in touch with our authentic self and stay in touch.

At around this time, we also catch up with reality and realise just how ludicrous some of our ambitions were. So it is double trouble, not just children but our own realization of our mediocrity, and sheer inability to change certain things about the world around us. So it isn`t just the kids, but our own fear that we are giving up on our true selves, our true dreams. And that we may never be able to do the things we wanted to.

Life needs much more courage than we ever expected it to need.

Apologies if this sounded like a lecture--I just intended to share my own cycle of frustration, realization since your writing touched a chord.

Great to see you writing.

Saima
ps: Daycare sucks here for different reasons. It is hard to write on a schedule. My best ideas come while I am doing the dinner thing in the kitchen, then there is homework, lecture time, play time, bath time, bed time. There are so many if only`s and no dictaphone when you need it.

I will defend what I say (who/what I am is of no concern here). People read too much into things without taking stock of them first at face value.

Liberated in the sense Asians usually mean. She (author) says she smoked - big deal. Everyone smokes, something or other. But why hide now? Isn`t that taking away your own freedom - ie. yr own liberation?

Sex? It is carnal. You are supposed to have it, so go ahead, why make such a big deal. With whoever, whatever, whenever. Do you stop to think before taking a dose of Tylenol? It should be the same with consensual sex. For most people it is not. Why? Who knows.

Author was the one who is equating motherhood to being caged. She claims it stifles her intellectual thought processes, her creative output, etc. So, it is akin to a prison for her. I may have brought in the word liberation, she brought in the whole shebang (context etc). From what I read there, it seems to be she feels imprisoned in her current state, she is unhappy being a mother, she has more ambitions (nothing wrong with that, I am all for it) but there is something jarring when her ambitions seem to preclude being a mother, or she has to put one state down (motherhood) in order to lift herself up (to a state of individual accomplishment). There should be a balance, she has not found it and her tone, though humorous, smacks of disillusionment. She feels unfulfilled, and is herself to blame. Motherhood can be fulfilling by itself or as a complement to many other things, it need not be a side item or confined to the salad bar, it can be an entree by itself or with other entrees. It depends on the individual what they want to make of it, society no bar.

you dont have to be defensive about who you are, i could care less on an internet forum, i sensed certain context within that statement, i was dead wrong. my bad.

Although, i still dont get the motherhood vs. liberation part. You brought in the word Liberated (more or less liberated etc. etc.). Now if i am not mistaken, liberation as a word gotta have a context to it. You dont seem forthcoming in revealing what was that in your mind. Thats fine.


regards.

RawDust, neither am I an adherent of Islam, nor Indian, nor eastern in any way. Islam, Indian and the east are not the only prisons esp for women, so come out of your myopic world views.

Lambasting motherhood isn`t humorous for most mothers. It shows a shallow understanding of what it takes to be a good mother. This writer admits that she`s toned down her lifestyle after marriage and motherhood. My question is WHY? She must have felt ``more liberated`` before is what I assume, hence that statement.

``wife and mother ought to be a more liberating experience than anything else``

i sense alot of eastern/indian/islamic BS in this sentence. or Else you forgot to say exactly from What does marriage and/or procreation deliver/liberate a person?

shandana:
cheers for being back on chowk!. i have good memories of listening to arif abrar`s gig on fm100. hope you guys are rocking out.

best.

Oh you write well no doubt, but still...

I hope you speak just for yourself author! This article was a lamentable excuse to torch wife/motherhood and justify them as the reasons for your own intellectual laziness. Plus, sounds like you haven`t had sex in a while.

You admit to having servants too to do most of your chores, so exactly how busy must motherhood be keeping you?

`` am a 30-year-old married mother of two. That sentence alone suggests I am more barmy than brainy. Marriage is an uninspired, irrational human attempt to make nature subservient to economics. Motherhood is a natural, restrictive blockade of arteries supplying blood to the female brain by menacing fats cells hijacking them to ferry breast milk the other way. Marriage smothers impulses that, if followed through, might catalyze works of aesthetic and conceptual value. Motherhood lays the corpses of those impulses gently to rest and then dances on their graves.``

I feel sorry for the kids!

If anything, being a wife and mother ought to be a more liberating experience than anything else in life. Either you married the wrong kinda guy or gave into marriage and procreation plans too early.

I`m really not at all sorry for being downright outraged. This article has me howling.

thank you all for reading and responding. most of the replies have been tremendously positive and i appreciate it.

aarya, i am going to reply to your email later today, but do feel the need to point out that i am hardly an authority.

burpinder and revathy, i look forward to the day my kids grow up, and hope i dont start missing them too much when they`re no longer around to use as emotional punching bags ;)

pat, since you know me, you know my issues lie a little deeper than are apparent sometimes.

saminasha, your`s was the most surprising response since it seemed to be a kneejerk emotional reaction rather than the rational analysis i have come to expect from you. disappointment on both sides, its almost like a relationship :) for one, you seemed to have skimmed rather than read the article, because the conclusion suggests that i too (like your intellectual friends, all praise be to them) am planning to resume work soon. second, i feel you need to place me the proper context. i live in a country where child care is either not available or wholly untrustworthy, or even downright dangerous. i do not have the leave kids with husband or in laws option most of the time, when my husband is home i am too exhausted to do anything. as for hiring a nanny, most help within my budget is uneducated, careless and unreliable. my sister who lives in new york and maaghas a nepalese nanny who is literate, capable and trained in cpr. contrast that with my best nanny to date, who went on leave for a day three weeks ago and has yet to come back or call, and also used to feed my son whatever happened to fall on the floor, didn`t understand why he couldn`t drink from the tap, felt everything bad that happened would be fixed if i just sacrificed a kala bakra and neglected to tell us that she was as blind as a bat to boot! the choices we make are based on circumstances as much as on desires. and yes i do feel that now that i`ve had the damn things, i should take care of them.

as for whether the brain grows larger or smaller, when seen in its entirety science knows very little about the human mind. a study today can be discredited tomorrow. which part of me has become quicker, which part of me has become stronger, which latent capability has been woken, only time will help me understand. i know only that i have changed and that i am struggling to come to terms with it. you can choose to dismiss that struggle as the easy way out. i hope that your own experience with marriage and motherhood was easier.

shandana

Re: # 3

Is Camille Paglia, that old fag hag still writing? Good goddess, must be that rightwing press still funding her...