An Unfulfilled Desire

Dear Dee.

We were unable to have children but were fortunate enough to adopt two baby girls many years ago. They are all grown up now. It really doesn`t matter whether the child is your own flesh and blood or not. It is the love that you give them that makes the difference. True there are other issues like telling them they are adopted or their wanting to find their birth parents but you deal with each issue as it arises.

I would highly reccomend adoption.

Chikori

Woman - Being a Woman and a true woman is a very difficult thing... Specially in today`s world full of competition.... Taking Family and Work together requires a lot of strong management....

Its very good that you shared your concerns and opinion.... Always remember one thing ...Positive Thinking always work and specially after marriage because life is not a bed of roses.....Being a good and understandable wife also work wonders if Hubby is with you 100%... and you have strong bond with each other.... Attraction and Caring always has to be there all the time.... Being a Mother is a Gift of God .... and always remember what ever happens its Good and God`s consent is there thats why it happened.....The best part you have a loving Husband who is always with you and if you and your Hubby both agree on adoption than go for it other wise dont......I understand its very difficult phase of life when you are not having a child....and specially facing family members and other people ..... Because people are here in this world to criticize....and they never try to put themselves in others shoes.....

Dear you can enjoy a Good , Loving and Peaceful life wth your caring husband and I pray for every married women who have yet not been blessed with a Child to have this blessing soon in their lives( Aameen)

Positive Thinking makes you live happier in this world .....

MOM, the mother nature. Who nurtures, feeds and help a seed to be a sapling, a sapling to a plant and a plant to strong Oak tree.

The womb is not only made to produce just to prove that a woman is woman, the very person who enters the sacred place and place a seed deserve the to be the inhabitant of the temple. The man in life is incomplete without WO. So, treat, feel, sense and derive your deprivation by let the man be a part of you.

I am happy you and your husband have considered adoption. Most of the people in your situation shy away from adoption ... But, this can do mirracles. I have a family in canada with a similar situation as yours .. right after they adopted a child, they were blessed with a baby of their own ... and this happened after 10 years of marriage.. but glad to know you are considering this facet and Inshallah you will be blessed with happiness .> Ameen

Creation or creating isnt confined to the womb alone.The mind has its creating capacity too which can be as rich as creating life itself.Take heart,half of the living cant bear an offspring.The remaining half are doing more than necessary.Having lost eight...yes...e-i-g-h-t of them has been a great learning experience and the joy of bringing up the two `lucky survivors` is proving to be another learning adventure.
Sometimes it makes good sense to walk away from it all.Even the pet sorrows,failures ,yearnings and desires.To forget for a little while the `missing` parts which comprise a `normal` person`s life.There is a logic to it actually.Marriage is interesting.Its a social commitment between a man and a woman to be together for life and form the basis of a family.The truth is most of us do not get the soulmates we dream of.The second boredom busters are children.They keep us occupied for a few years till they make us realize how obsolete and redundant we are.Loneliness is an issue which needs to be addressed.Very few adult offspring have the time or the inclination and patience for old parents.God`s Will Hath No Why.

here`s a hug for u :)
im moved by what you wrote.
but remember, there is a reason for everything.
till than, we`re here to listen.

Re: # 36
Hi all,,,,I am a young girl not married :-), after reading the post couldnt stop my self commenting on it. Mashallah its such a nice thing to share our happiness and pains with every one. We need to remember one thing Allah all mighty is there for all of us and wht ever happens to us is for 100% sure gud for us. Having a baby is a blessing...some times Allah test us by giving us this blessing and some times by not,,,, please do not get disappointed,,,do not fall in love with this world,,,do not be unhappy...do not stop meeting people ... have tawaqul on Allah...he is the one who has brought you in this world. We all think that all above said is only words..forget about me...talk to Allah mian...dont u trust him...dont you think he knows wht kind of pain,grief and lonliness you are going through...do you think Allah mian who loves us more than 70 mothers will let us go through this pain....NEVER . thats when u think then WHY. without any doubt it would have being in best of your favour that Allah mian is not showering this blessing on you at this point of time. do not be disheart . do not be disapointed. be happy for the other blessings Allah has given us...to be honest we do not have enough time to thank him for all wht he has given us and we are enjoying it every day. MAYOOSI is kufar...therfore do not be disappointed. Ask Allah mian....do not feel shy or get tiered ,,,and belive in his decissions...

With due respect i know its hard (all emotions) this is LIFE..this will bcome the basis for Allah to choose his loved ones who smiles even when they were in pain.. JAZAKULLAH.

I have afriend who is going thru the exact same trauma. I have adviced her to look into adoption but she wants to try other options 1st. She is now 35 and her biological clock is ticking which is making her more worried.

Dear Zahra,

Thank you for forwarding this article to Sarah and trying to help me in your own quiet way- I really appreciate it.

Rgds,

Dee

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a warm and understanding post. Its really a relief to talk to someone who is so understanding as to what i am going through and has such a lot of positive feedback to give. I have jotted down all the points you have made and all the agencies that i can go to and will do so once i go to Pakistan. Once I get things in perspective i will join the group and certainly write to you. I did not know that there was an option to not receive postings in my inbox from the group, I will keep that in mind when i subscribe again.

Rgds,

Dee

Re: # 38

Zahra,

Thanks for forwarding this article to me, I am glad I was able to help and in the process promote the cause of adoption from Pakistan, something that is very close to my heart.

Sarah

Re: # 37

Dee,

I completely understand that everyone has to grieve the loss of the bio child we will not have, at our own pace and come to make peace with our life decisions. It is very important to acknowledge all your feelings and not rush into adoption with unresolved grief and emotions. You are doing the right thing by giving yourself the time you need to get to that point where you are 100% sure that this is the way to go for you and your husband. For me it was a much quicker transition, and in some ways, being open to adoption was my way to feel hopeful even when the fertility treatments failed; that was not the end of the road, merely a bend and adoption was another way out there for us to build our family.

I would encourage you to join the Pakistan Adoption group again when you feel ready and set your member settings to receive no email, so that you can come on the website and post when you are ready, but not flood your mailbox with tons of emails from others going through the process. That would be very overwhelming for someone not quite ready to get going yet, and still exploring. Also, please feel free to email me privately if and when you would like. I`ll be happy to share more details with you regarding logistics and other options.

For your information, Edhi is the largest program but not the only agency you can adopt from in Pakistan. I completely understand your desire to be with your baby from day 1. That is how I was, and I am glad I was able to make it happen. I went to Pakistan after getting my I-600A approved and met Mrs. Edhi in person. Two days later I got the call for my baby and was there to receive her! But I had the luxury to have close family in Pakistan, I stayed with my parents for most of the 8 month stay in Pakistan. It would be much harder if you don`t have a support system in Pakistan. I am not sure about the process through SOS, but Kashana and Aga Khan orphanages also have adoption programs and their in-country stay ends up being much shorter because they keep the children in their custody till the legal requirements have been met.

I wish you all the best, and when you go to Pakistan be sure to look into the other agencies besides Edhi. I look forward to welcoming you to the Pakistan Adoption group again when you are ready for it.

Sarah

Re: # 36

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for a beautiful post. I am glad you cared to write.

Best Wishes,

Z

Dear nwsarah23,

Thank you for writing in. I have subscribed and subsequently unsubscribed to the adoption group listed below simply because i just did not know what to say or do. My inbox was filled with posts dealing with it and i was feeling queasy and increasingly depressed. The reason is i think i subscribed too soon. I am not sure if I want to adopt as yet. We(me and my husband) are looking in to it very seriously and with each day our resolution to adopt is becoming stronger. I usually tend to take a long time to make decisions, thats just who i am, and would want to be 100% sure before i start with the process.

We are going very soon this year to meet Mrs Edhi in person. I am not sure how I will get a long leave from my office, how i will live in pakistan for a couple of months as i dont have any one to stay with over there. My mother has volunteered to come with me but i want to spend all that time with my child & not have my mom look after her. There are expenses for the trip that need to be looked after - so there are those logistics that need to be looked in to before we go for it.

I dont know if i am going through a grieving process and i must naturally go through this before i come out feeling confident - I am just so down with this, at times i wonder if this is really what bothers me or is it something else. I dont know if most women dealing with infertility go through this much grief or is it just me. Should i try and snap out of it or allow myself to feel this way? Was the decision just as difficult for you? Have you ever wondered if at some time in the future you were to conceive and have a child of your own, would your love be any different for your biological child?

As for joining the yahoo group!, I hope to join it soon and be a positive contributor instead of just a nervous lurker.

Rgds,


Dee

Dee,

A friend forrwarded me your article and suggested I respond with my perspective. I can tell you from the vantage point of another woman who struggled with infertility for 4 years before deciding to adopt, what a difference that decision has made in my life! I can completely relate to the longing and despair I felt being unable to conceive and build our family. Through the course of time, and especially during the period we were going through our treatments, I got isolated from friends, especially those with young children, because it was too painful to see how apparently easy it was for others to conceive while we struggled so! My husband and I decided to go through infertility testing and IVF but limited ourselves to 2 treatments. If things worked in the first 2 cycles, great, if not, we would move on to adoption. Well, things didn`t work and IVF was an extremely draining experience, physically, emotionally and financially, with nothing to show for it! When our second treatment cycle was unsuccessful we decided to proceed to adoption.

We looked at several countries, and initially tried to go to another country presumably easier to adopt from, but were led to adopt from Pakistan, specifically to Edhi Foundation. When we decided to go to Pakistan, I did not find much information or support online regarding the process, and started a Yahoo Group for Pakistan Adoption in May 2004. Here`s the link:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pakistanadoption/

You are welcome to join us there, we have about 150 members in various stages of adoption from Pakistan, several of our members have completed their adoptions and are happily parenting their children. We have a wonderful community of friends who are there to listen, share, understand and help any way we can. My husband and I adopted our daughter from Pakistan through Edhi Foundation and she is now a vibrant and happy 17 month old who is truly the joy of our lives. I can tell you from my experience, and that of several other families who have adopted (some have bio and adopted kids) there are NO TWO WAYS TO LOVE A CHILD! There is absolutely no difference in the way you feel about a child, once they are in your arms, they`re YOUR OWN! Being a family is so much more than being pregnant, for me it was never a major deal to be pregnant, it`s a means to an end, not an end in iteslf. The bond between a child and her parents is one of love, not blood!

You mentioned about your relationship with your parents, I strongly believe that my daughter has really galvanized my relationship with my parents. I have always been very independent in making my life`s decisions and as a result my parents have found it hard to relate to me. I stayed in Pakistan for 8 months to see my baby`s adoption process through and during this time I lived with my parents. It was initially difficult for my parents to accept our decision to adopt, and it took them some time to come around once I came to live with them with the baby. My daughter was the catalyst for us getting to know each other on a whole new level, and she has a wonderful relationship with both my parents. My father had not really seen any of the grandchildren so closely as he saw my daughter, and the bond they have is very special. He told me ``he did not know how to love, but she taught him``! I saw a completely different and very soft side of him that I had never seen before! Becoming a mother helped me understand my mother better, and she was able to relate to me for the first time in life! My inability to bear children has been the one thing that has led to a wealth of beautiful experiences I would have missed out on if life had gone on as usual. For one I would not have known the joy that my daughter brings to our life!

i forgot to sign out last night.

it seems somebody has written in for me. thanks pal!

regards

seema