Blue Line

Re: # 33
Err...what?

Re: #32
BJ, yeah I know...I hate going into explanations for stories and like the differing perceptions I get from each reader. That said, I also tend to go into unnecessary explanations regarding the whys I said something. Will refrain from the future.

later.

#25 Mazzy Star prolly. in fact, their stuff is ideal to score a 5 minute short based on this story.

#31 maryamp

Dear Maryam, sometimes it is better not to ``solve`` everything a story may suggest to the reader (unless it is a detective story, :) )

It is more fun that way!

I personally do not like reading lab reports! However, I could gaze at an abstract painting all my life - without understanding it, and still enjoy immensely. :) :)

Thank you.

As an addendum, I needed to make it absolutely clear that she did not kill herself and was on the plane as it took off. It was very important to the story. Hmm? later.

Re: # 29
Okay, so I see what you mean. Regarding criticism, I run and own a writer`s website and we`re pretty brutal to the writers out there so I tend to take it in stride.

There were many questions I posed myself during the course of this story, only some of them of which, made their way into the story answered.

It`s odd that you mention the ``show, don`t tell`` - another writer wrote that about one of my unfinished pieces, a couplea years ago. I`d have thought I would have grown out of that by now. Oh well...back to the drawing board.

As an aside, I realize that my username is misleading, but please realize that the author name clearly indicates that ``maryam`` and whatever follows are entirely separate. I`m rather touchy about my name, as you can see!

But back on topic, I can see the conflict of perspective now. But as I mentioned earlier, this was originally a third person story and this was an epilogue type thing. I was determined to input the line in its entirety when I converted it into a first person narrative, when confusion arose regarding her mental state (my semi-cum editor thought she committed suicide...and that just wouldn`t do!).

I value the criticism - more than two years of receiving intense feedback does that to you, I guess.

later.

BJ: don`t worry about it in the least. Maybe one day it will come true.

I don`t think I`m a great writer, but I know I`m a very good writer. And I have a long way to go in terms of improvement!

Maryam is a good writer, too. And with work I could totally see her as a great writer. It`s just that the work itself is really difficult... we all struggle with it.

#27 Bina

The reference to award was based on what Ms. Saminasha (under an account now ``closed``) once wrote on Chowk ``echoes`` upon a change in management that occured in 2005, when she was enquiring why you had ``left`` chowk. I did not check that fact myself. Sorry if I was off on that - no slieght was intended. Needless to say, I personally think you are a great writer.

BJ:

Believe me, I thought hard for a few days whether or not I should say anything at all. I decided to go ahead and voice my criticism in the hope that Maryam would think about my opinion and consider some of the points I raised. She`s already technically a good enough writer that I don`t have to make any observations about her ability to write. But beyond that, I felt that her piece had some weaknesses which I felt like pointing out. I think Maryam`s a mature person and she can take it; I don`t see her collapsing in a puddle of tears and vowing never to write again...

The point of posting your writing in public is not to simply to get adulation and praise: you will get criticism as well. I hope my criticism is taken as the constructive kind, and encouragement in its own way. If I wanted to be discouraging, I think you could imagine the type of comments I`d leave for her instead.

By the way, I`ve never won any awards for my writing. Maybe in the future.

#various Bina Shah

Dear Bina,

An award-winning writer of your experience and maturity can do better than jump all over a newcomer to take her (very sensitively written, in my opinion) first piece apart with such ferocity...

I have not seen anything like this since, since, since...

(Oh, forget it!)

Here is the bottomline - ANYTHING can be improved from the eyes of individual readers. And having done all that, still nothing is perfect!

Do you have anything GOOD to say about this piece? I mean really! Don`t feel shy, out with it!

PS: I did not previously notice this ability to turn into a Grinch in a cinch! :)

Mary Amp rocks!

She has such a rock n roll feel about her.. dunno what it is..

The confusion is this: with the penultimate line, you are placing the reader in the hotel room.

In the last line, the first half - ``in the distance`` - continues that location.

But then, when you write ``we rumble off the runway`` - you bring the reader into the airplane.

It`s confusing - either you leave the reader behind in the room, or you take the reader with you. You can`t have the reader left behind in the room and at the same time in the airplane, hearing you ``rumble off the runway``. It doesn`t make sense.

I think the confusion could be very neatly solved just by writing ``as IT rumbles off the runway``.

Then again, I tend to be overly picky about nuances like this. You, of course, don`t have to listen to a word I say!

Re: # 21
I`m sorry...what confusion in perspective? The line was written to denote the narrator is leaving. I don`t see the confusion. But then, that might just be me.

However, I understand what you`re saying - this piece was actually severely edited before I finalized it. And not just by me. :)

This story was actually written in the third person and was converted to a first-person narrative.

Hmm-mm...later.

You could even try:

And in the distance, a faint rumbling as the airplane surges (or replace with a verb of your choice) down the runway.

You see? don`t be afraid to experiment with the writing. Make the writing more powerful by letting your verbs do the work, rather than the less important parts of the sentence. Play around with it till it`s right - don`t be married to anything until the absolute last draft.

PS, the last line

``And in the distance, the faint sound of the airplane as we rumble off the runway.``

would be better written

``And in the distance, the faint sound of the airplane rumbling off the runway``

removes the confusion of perspective, is more brief, and yet punchier.

I`m going to jump in and be the Grinch here - I read this story a couple of days ago (after a very long absence from Chowk) and I can`t say I find it as strongly written as others do here. To me it seemed over-written and overwrought. The excessive melancholy makes me dislike the narrator intensely. I`d aim for more simplicity, less tortured sentences, stronger structure. Show, don`t tell: i.e. show us how sad the narrator is through her actions rather than telling us through her thoughts. This CAN be done in first person - it`s just harder than third.

Cheers
BS

#18 maryamp

Ama my dearess Dudess, who cares for a name!

You have heard the one about that nice-smelling rose being called something else! :)

Anyway Ms., here is a bit of advice.

Make allowance for the deficiencies of readers - because such readers come aplenty! :)

Then I can become an avid reader, too! :) :)

PS: There is no such thing as a Dudess! As far as I know there is only ``dude`` - and it applies to males only.

What about female dude? A female having the attributes of a ``dude``!

You see Ms., THAT would be a contradiction in terms - an oxymoron - so there is no equivalent word.

To address this inequity, I earlier coined the following word ....

Duda - pronounced Doo-Daa!

But because of some unknown reasons, it never caught on around here! :(

The chowk folks - who I love dearly - appear so retrograde sometimes! Alas! Perhaps you could motivate them. :)