Sunshine

Re: # 8 Oh wow!!! Thank u soooo much Quin Sahib.

I have no words to thank you for all the guidelines and being earnestly honest about your own efforts.
I was expressing myself in Urdu through poetry since I was in school. When I was done with my degree and stopped insane pursuit of ‘post graduation/specialization’ as I wasn’t cut out for it-failing again and again… I started looking for some short course to learn the craft of essay writing. Multiple issues of our society had troubled me always. But professional responsibilities pulled my reigns many a time for any daring leap in another arena.
As Paulo Coelho said “when you want something badly whole universe conspires for u to get it�, so slowly and gradually I think I am getting towards it. My ‘Beginner’s luck’ was the learning of MS office first then Multimedia and once I got hold of internet I surfed for online short course in ‘Creative writing’. And I found one. From Connecticut to Karachi through internet I did two years diploma in creative writing from ‘Long Ridge Writers Guild Institute’.
There my instructor Tom Hyman urged me to try my skill in ‘fiction writing’ which I had never done not in Urdu even. And the book ‘On writing well’ by William Zinsser was my course book and still on my desk getting dust.
I am telling you all this because what you mentioned is exactly what my instructor had told me at the end of the course. He recommended that it is good for me to get my editor or someone who would proof read for me. I requested him but his duties at the institute did not permit him any additional responsibilities.
I know nobody would do it for free obviously so for the time being I am all by myself. I do send my manuscript to my niece though who is born and raised in USA. Her English grammar and sentence structure are far better than me.
About reading… Sir it all depends on my mood… Some days I needed to write, some days I read and some days I draw but many a days- I do nothing… lolz
Chowk has been kind enough to publish my stories. It encouraged me to write more and receive sincere well intended critiques and feedbacks from people like u and all. I appreciate a lot and want to hear more from you. And I loved ur editing of the first few lines. Thank you so much once again.

Nikhat Riaz

#7. Many writers of SE origin have taken a similar view. No doubt English being virtually lingua-franca provides a much larger platform. Writing in English also contributes towards bridge building between people of different cultures. Therefore, I believe your decision to write more in English will be significant one in your aspirations.

Interestingly, and fortunately, there is lot of good material available in English on writing. For ESL People like us, peculiar areas of language pose difficulties. For me it is the use of articles. I use 'the' in many places where I should not and vice versa. Also, I tend to use lot of adverbs. Third, I tend to write long (or long-winded) sentences. Fourth, I make mistakes in coordinating tenses. All such issues were identified ‘clearly’ (using adverb again) when I start showing my writing to a professional editor. The lessons I learned were invaluable. I have learned a lot but still had to do lot of revisions and still the Editor finds mistakes.

I have not read your articles as my editor would read mine. And I don't mean to sound critical. Just making the point that writing simple, effective and good English - though on one hand comes naturally from heart - also demands hard work.

You have all that takes to make you a good writer. But there are no limits for excellence.
I continuously read, glance, review, consult books on the art and craft of writing. On craft of writing, a book that I have no hesitation in recommending is "On Writing Well" by William Zinsser. On art of writing you may find Margaret Atwood’s “Negotiating with the Dead: A Writer on Writing� an interesting read. For a reference manual, a good one is “Redford Handbook for Writers�.
The main thing is to read a lot. I would recommend you to read all classical and famous modern short stories. I found some anthologies having excellent collections like “Heath’s Anthology of Short Stories�

Encouraged by your comments, and knowing that you can appreciate the feedback in positive spirit, the following is my humble attempt at suggesting a couple of revisions for the first few lines:

Shutting all the doors, he left me in complete darkness. Curtains of my lavishly decorated but barely lit bedroom were fully drawn. I could hardly see a thing in the room. I pulled myself up from the bed, and dragged myself to begin my day as a routine to be followed as per his instructions.

(the first sentence changed for clarity in use of tense. Combined the next two sentences into one. The reason: “The room was barely lit like always� does not convey meaning immediately. In last sentence, added words to emphasize the situation)

In my experience, I have found a skilled editor can be a great help. Wish I could reach to that level. My attempt may not be good enough, but tried for honest feedback.

Re: # 6 Thank u soo very much Quin Sahib.....

Yes I do feel my handicap at mastery of english vernaculare... But I have chosen this medium conciously so could reach out to many more around the globe compared to Urdu...Urdu is what I feel comfortable. But 'seemaab-e-tabaa' pulls me to step out of the comfort zone and explore...explore.
Please feel free to edit_to point out where polishing is needed. Ur critiques are most welcome

Thank u so much for looking at my art work and commenting on it.
Nikhat Riaz

Can't agree more with #4 about not giving away your thought process. I had regrettably made such mistakes.

Nikhat, This metaphorical story, just like your art posted as Gallery, speaks volume about how it pains you to see this ubiquitous suppression of half of humanity. I like such works which tells of 'agony and ecstasy' of the writer - and show that the writer has something significant to say. Some linguistic polishing can further enhance its effectiveness, and you know there is always room for such things. Overall, a worthy and commendable piece.

I am glad to see at FP. Congratulations and keep it up ...

Re: # 4 Got it Sir!!!! I'll remember that. Thanks once again.
Nikhat Riaz

Yes, Nikhat, I sort of assumed the story probably developed based on some such scenario. I think you have the ability to put yourself into the shoes of your characters which is a wonderful thing and from my POV, the first prerequisite for developing into a good writer.

BTW, don't (in fact, never) make the mistake of giving away your thought process -- either in the story or in the interacts. :) ) Believe me, the reading experience is always richer in its absence.

Re: # 1 smiles! The "earthquake is on its way!" part is a bit of problem. I don't think an earthquake can be predicted -- it just happens.

yeah it can't be predicted true...not yet.

After the terrible earthquake we had in 2005 there were attempts for forecasting and it happened that our meteorologist did warn of landslides in Karachi and false alarms. People vacated their homes. I imagined one of such scenario. Only in this situation they turned out to be right.
I was aware of this criticism but I thought that may be in future we would be forcasting earthquakes but I don't vision any change in the state of women of our society...achieving sunshine at the cost of terrible pain.
But thanks BJ for ur kind comments

Thanks Dana. realting it globally. I agree.

Nikhat Riaz

Not only for our society,it applies for women all around the world. And sadly there is no turning back.

Nice piece.

The "earthquake is on its way!" part is a bit of problem. I don't think an earthquake can be predicted -- it just happens.