Children - Why the Thinking Person Should Abolish Them

Panini,

Grow breasts and gain enlightenment.

a nice, simple article!!

kaafi anokha aur mazaydaar andaaz hay.

good job

prince-K

panini

Here is a totally unnecessary retort, so apologies in advance.

All those unborn babies(God protect them from the evil eye)that so blighted the landcape are the ones who will be paying the Social Security taxes for the generation that mocks them so cruelly at this time. Show some gratitude!

Sadhana

Just returned from Yosemite... breathless from having climbed all the way up a sheer rock face. Children all over the place. Absolutely ghastly.

Being from Illinois, and just visiting California (sunny Frisco) I was appalled to see hordes of subcontinental programmers (mostly Indian, given their numerical superiority) bursting, I tell you ABSOLUTELY BURSTING, with child.

Can someone indicate why so many H-1 workers are getting pregnant in California? Is it something in the air? Pollen that causes a rash of pregnancies, perhaps?

Do check out my marvellous Jamaican Egg Nog recipe (see Replies of previous article on cars). I hope you will be wildly indulging on New Years eve as I will be. Remember to leave the `lil darlins` at home.

Panini

maTha #28

I am taking you up on this:

`` ``Having babies is a sign of the same faith that motivates intellectual pursuits.``

These are the kind of ridiculous statements that subject GRE/SAT test takers to undiagnosed forms of permanent mental trauma when attempting to make sense of the Reading Comprehension sections. ``

Flattered that you think the statement is worth commenting on. For the record,I found most of Panini`s article pretty funny except for a few sentences that seem to give him away and put a whole new light on all of it. But I decided only to respond to one aspect of it.

Perhaps you can explain what is so `un-ridiculous` and praiseworthy about these statements?

``Children cannot be forced down the garbage dispenser because the hideous creatures have choked them up with junk food. ``

``If someone mentions a new arrival, advise them to get rid of it, before it learns to recognize them and can crawl back from the land fill. ``

``The wiser ones having realized their mistake quickly suffocate them with pillows.``

In the spirit of free speech, why not speak of your household pets that way, or brothers and sisters or wives or husbands, of parents and grandparents, of neighbours and friends or of the uncool and earnest people you meet, of your local Congressman, the head of your country, or colleagues at work? Babies cannot fight back with similar black humor, leave them alone.

Sadhana

Do our tongues and cheeks have no better business than to firmly place one in the other (the act suggests constipation to me)?

From what I recall, one of the Chowk luminaries once admitted (with much glee, I am afraid) that one of the great ``uses`` of infants was the entertainment value of observing them in a rolling duressed trajectory on the floor after being smacked on the head (the actual term employed was rap-Taa). With a sense of uncertain excitement, and a disturbing lack of disagreement, I nodded.

Just do it! i.e. Vasectomy/Hysterectomy!!!

``Having babies is a sign of the same faith that motivates intellectual pursuits.``

These are the kind of ridiculous statements that subject GRE/SAT test takers to undiagnosed forms of permanent mental trauma when attempting to make sense of the Reading Comprehension sections.

Coochy, coochy, coochy this!

Oh! And thanks Panini! Good luck, of course, with finding a portal, and remember, I am your friend!

Perhaps your best revenge, as bumper-sticker wisdom would indicate, is to live long enough to become a nuisance to your children.

Oh, I loved this line, by the way,

``The worst nightmare could come true - their little pumpkins could end up joining the Indian Institute of Technology, and end up becoming social retarded and overly numerate.``

My father went to the Indian Institute of Technology, and yes, he is socially retarded. I just informed him yesterday that he was never going to meet his grandchildren (yes, that`s right, I still plan on reproducing * *evil grin * *)...

Dear hamidm,

Thank you for showing how one can be immensely funny without being distasteful. Your post left me in splits!

HamidM,

Your comments were even funnier than the original article!

Bina

I`ve been asking myself whether, as contended, I have indeed no sense of humour, since the overall effect of reading this piece was a little digusting. And yet I found the first three paragraphs of the piece and other interspersed witticisms thoroughly amusing and very clever. However, I must admit I find neither humour nor refreshment in the following excerpts; just cheap shots at satire that seek to capitalize on some folks` sentimentalities. There`s something of a brash sophomore thumbing his nose at the `less fortunate` for the problems they bring upon themselves:

``The wise ones give their children odd names hoping that they will commit suicide in the near future. Names like ``Bodhya`` or ``Kuram``. The wiser ones having realized their mistake quickly suffocate them with pillows. Forestalling the almost certain electric chair that awaits the child.``

``... point out that if humanity had spent time researching immortality instead of rearing the cretins,...``

``If someone mentions a new arrival, advise them to get rid of it, before it learns to recognize them and can crawl back from the land fill.``

For those looking for more such `refreshing` writing, there`s the historical account of a Pharoah`s mass infaticide (circa. 1000 BC) they might be interested in.

And hey, Panini, if we`re gonna put them into landfills (ha ha ha, indeed!) why not first offer them for the enjoyment of baby molesters to offset some of the cost of delivery etc. (everyone: / *applause/ *). What?? is that type of `humour` too much even to you? C`mon, some might find it refreshing. At least as refreshing as the (ha ha!) thought of suffocating them.

It is an ill wind ………….Methinks, Panini might be on to something. Think about what these little brats are capable of as they grow up - sometimes they don`t even wait until they are tall enough to ride Thunder Mountain before they embark on their mission to spread misery, disease, pestilence and wreck general havoc on mankind. Following is a short list of what we, harmless and innocent adults have to endure from this scourge, this infliction from God to punish us for deeds that we might or might not commit:

- They make you stop behind yellow buses with red blinking lights when you are running late for a meeting….. you lose your job and end up on skid row sharing a blanket with Wino Willie who smells worse than baby poop.

- You wet your shoes while trying to hit the ``little people`s`` urinal in the men`s room - and end up spending five bucks for a shoeshine at the airport.

- You pay a dollar ten for large fries so that that the little rug-rats can get a toy in their Happy Meal.

- They make you exploit little children in China who make these cheap plastic toys (I am not sure about this one - it sounds like you might be getting back at them this way).

- You end up eating four times a week at McDonald because they have to complete their collection of Pokemon cards … eventually your arteries clog up and you die face-down in your Big Mac.

- Little girls make you listen to and watch Nsync constantly (instead of Brittany Spears) - your latent homosexuality is aroused, and you end up in Liberachi`s hand-me-downs.

- After watching Rug Rats every day for a year you start talking like Tommy and they put you in the loony bin.

- You trip on a toy at the top of the stairs and end up in a wheel chair for the rest of your life.

- You are caught in the act (with the wife) in the middle of the night by a three-foot tall shadowy figure - she ends up frigid, and you end up in a straightjacket.

- You don`t win a ribbon at the sixth grade science fair, loose your self-esteem, earn the scorn of the sixth grader and the wrath of its mother, get jeering sneers from the wise-guy with the honorable-mention ribbon, and end up a human wreck.

- They take control of the remote-control and throw you in the hell known as the Cartoon Channel.

- They make you loose your fortune at F.A.O Schwartz and Talbot`s so you end up buying your wardrobe from Rosie O`Donnel at K-Mart - the NRA informs the KKK and your house is burned down.

- Mad at the NRA, you curse Charleton Heston, a.k.a. Moses, at a Bat Mitzvah and They crucify you.

- They make you think Pikachu is for real (and you test positive for acid) and they fire you.

- Some of them grow up to join the Taliban and flog you or tumble mud walls on you for your unspeakable sins.

I say, let`s kill the serpent in the egg. I have also heard that there are some mad scientists out there who are actually freezing these fertilized eggs (embryos) so that they can unleash this scourge, once again, upon mankind some time in the distant future. Astagfirullah !

Thank you, Panini, for writing this and thank you, Chowk, for publishing it.

The responses are revealing: the lack of a sense of humor that is pervasive among Chowkwallahs can be clearly seen. Guys (and ladies), don`t take yourselves too seriously.

Now, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger might say, ``Go kiss the babies!``

Jay,

We could use that child across the border in Pakistan. See, we have a few snakes here...

Just one question to the author.

Lots of absurdities in daily life await your cyncially amused gaze, whynot pick on those your size :-).

Would you be in a position to pursue wonderful avenues of education and leisure and even publish amusing articles on chowk.com, if at sometime you were not treated by your parents as an affirmation of faith and hope, and the same with their parents before them and THEIR parents before them and so on back to our ancestors living in caves?

Adi Shankaracharya said something like: Faith and knowledge are like a blind man and a lame man. Neither can get to their goal on their own without mutual collaboration. Having babies is a sign of the same faith that motivates intellectual pursuits. BTW, I read somewhere (though I might be wrong) that Einstein wrote his paper on relativity while babysitting his infant daughter.

Sadhana

re. Panini

``To answer PM... I am not cynical, and I do not hate children (some of my best friends are children).``

Hate is a kinda strong word, even if one were thought to be cynical. Anyway, you sure did a good job fooling us. Well, me, anyways.

They`re looking for someone to write a sequel to ``Throw Mama From the Train``. This time it`s Papa`s turn. Interested? You do * * love love yer Dad, don`t ya? :)

Panini, tongue-in-cheek or not, the piece was found by many to have overstepped certain boundaries of propeity. I guess the feeling is that to write an abrasive- even if `humorous`- piece like this, you`ve GOTTA dislike kids a lot.

Like I said, you got some of us fooled.

regards,

PM