Still Looking!

Re: # 23 LOL...thanks for sharing this, vanguard...you could put your experiences down in a piece, you know. I can imagine it to be a very interesting read. :)
TS

When I had completed my studies in UK, a family friend decided to introduce me to a prospect in London. Since I was inclined religiously as well as academically, they said that the girl has done Masters in Mathematical Sciences and wears a Niqab.

They asked me to be interactive and talk a lot with a girl. At their place, they had also invited girl's mother (also wearing a niqab) and her grandmother whereas I was there with my auntie.

I asked her a few questions but since it was her first time I believe, she felt shy and answered in monosyllables. Then I cracked a joke and everybody laughed. I thought in my head "Hansi to phansi" (Yes! This is how we guys think!)

Anyways, we werent making any progress despite the girl's grandmother egging her on. So seeing the religious bent, I asked the girl "Dua-e-Qunoot suna dain". The grandmother suddenly came to her defence and said in flawless English "My grand daughter prays five times a day. I'd rather you recite the dua and she checks it". I replied "Mein to teen dafa Qul Huallaho Ahad (surat Ikhlas) parhta hoon".

Needless to mention it didn't work out. :)

Ras...thanks. Yes, fictional...and no, no sequel planned so far...though more satire likely to follow!
TS

This was a well written (fictional?) article.

Is there a part 2 coming?

Ras

Dear Readers...thank you so much for taking out the time to give your valuable feedback. I truly appreciate the effort.

About the piece...firstly, I have often been accused of writing about myself in my pieces! What can I say...it must be my convincing communication skills! Seriously, though...I'd like to edtablish once for all that I'm a social observer and commentator and every write-up that I do is NOT my own story.

Re #1...jayp, violence aginst women exists in societies across the globe and is a reality none can ignore. However, this piece only meant to point out one aspect of the emotional and psychological torture women go through in the middle/upper-middle section of our society. It might seem trivial as compared to the issues you have mentioned, but worth the mention nonetheless, I believe.

Re #2...zeemax, thanks for your comments. I have pointed out some unpleasant aspects of arranged marriages. It is not uncommon to use the technique of exaggeration in satirical write-ups.

Re #3...vanguard, that's a thought! Thanks for pointing it out. The narrator happens tp be a woman, hence the female perspective. Perhaps you could enlighten us about the male take on this issue?

Re #5...treetop, thanks, but NO THANKS.

Re #6...Minhaj, thanks for the kind words. I'm pleased to know you enjoyed reading the piece.

Regarding your suggestion for dialogue, if you've read any of my previous articles you'll know that's how I write anyway. This piece was originally published in 'You' Women's magazine. Since newspapers have a thing about space conservation, I had to compress the lines to suit their concerns. And then I forgot to revert it to original formatting for chowk!

Thanks for the reassurances too...awfully kind of you...but I do enjoy the responses I get as they provide me invaluable insight into diverse perspectives.

Re #7...Abee, thanks for the comments. I'm glad it made you smile despite your other concern.

Marriage, as an institution, has been much criticised in all societies. Things are changing for women here as they seek for themselves roles of thinking, feeling human beings keeping intellectual concerns closer to their heart. Relationships are very tricky, and require much understanding and compromise to create a balance accaptable to both parties concerned - or individual temperaments decide which way the balance tips.

Re #10...banneditem, I think it is unfair to force anyone to choose between wife and mother, or any other such relationship. There can be no right answer in such a situation. Each has his/her own place, and the poor guy is bound to err no matter what he decides.

Re #11...emancipation, thanks for your comments. I don't believe marriage is a failed intitution at all. The purpose of this piece was to let men see that women can be their intellectual equals and by virtue of that, better partners in life. They must not be seen only as objects of desire, but as individuals with whom they can have satisfying intellectual and emotional bondage on an equal-partnership level, rather than dominant-submissive basis.

Re #12...subroto, I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. Thanks for letting me know.

Re # 13...akcheema, thank you so much for your remarks. These lines represent the desires of many young women who seek intellectually stimulating and emotionally satisfying relationships while not wanting to compromise personal space.

Re # 14...TehsinA, thanks for your suggestion. I think women are quite capable of setting their priorities in the right order. Perhaps they have shifted their sights from 'marriage' as their ultimate aim in life?

Re # 16...Nikhat, thanks for your kind remarks and generous praise. I appreciate your insight and understanding of the basic idea behind the article.

Re #18...scout-new, thanks for your comments. It's very much a cultural issue, and yes, most girls do go through it. All these girls ask is to be judged not on the basis of their physical appearance or domestic skills but rather as individuals with priorities of their own in life.

Re #19...Leadenwinter, I'm sorry you didn't think much of the piece. It's all about perspectives...you're entirely entitled to your own!

Arranged marriages are a part of our culture.They are not a bad way of introducing prospective couples given the cultural environment of gender seggregation, unless one of the parties, or both, are being forced into the arrangement - which is not the case in my write-up at all.
"As you condone arranged marriages, thus this "person" element of you is such that it acknowledges itself second to the commodities sought to be acquired by your prospective in-laws."

If the 'person' element in the central character of my piece acknowledged itself second to the commodities saught, she would accept the proposals.

Perhaps you have missed my point...or I have not managed to convey it effectively?

"What from your petty bourgeoisie perspective seems the reason to write a somewhat amusing article, is the basis for slavery, stove-deaths, honour killings and rapes amongst the other untold suffering of millions of Pakistani women."

Would you care to clarify this point for the sake of discussion? Surely, you don't think the root of all evil is 'arranged marriage'?


TS

You seem on one hand to condone arranged marriages, in essence vindicating the notion that your virginity, labour and child-bearing capabilities are commodities beyond your own jurisdiction, which for all intents and purposes summate you for the purposes of marriage, yet at the same time you seem to want your "person" to be appreciated by the other parties to the transaction in question.

As you condone arranged marriages, thus this "person" element of you is such that it acknowledges itself second to the commodities sought to be acquired by your prospective in-laws, I don't think therefore there remains much to be appreciated.

What from your petty bourgeoisie perspective seems the reason to write a somewhat amusing article, is the basis for slavery, stove-deaths, honour killings and rapes amongst the other untold suffering of millions of Pakistani women.

This is all in very poor taste.

cute article, i think all desi girls go through this at some point in their lives

Ahmedmadani Saab,

We need your valuable thoughts here...See the temerity of this girl, rejecting guys on all pretexts...

Re: # 6 I agree with you. It is nice story. If it is a fiction then characters are very real. A very honest depiction in a lighter way. Very well written Tahera!

Certainly every ambitious working woman belonging to upper/middle middle class of our society could relate to this sad situation. The scrupulous search of parents to find the right guy (for their not so young/beautiful daughter) in a wrong way, trying to tie a new knot without breaking previous rusty chains of social norms is beautifully narrated.the way you handled it is really commendable.

I think humour/satire is a great tool for addressing such complex social issues. We all have suffered "drawing room torture parade" infront of 'rishta seeking army of aunties' and those who have undergone it could easily identify with the pain, frustration narrator is going through.
Well done Girl!

Nikhat Riaz

Re: # 14; Tehsin

hmmm....there may be some truth in this; however, that is what being young is about I think, experimentation and all that

Honey! Just don’t wait too long. All these shenanigans are amusing but like the Japanese say, I paraphrase, “its no fun eating Christmas cake after Christmas”.

" I just know God didn’t give me a head to think with, for nothing! I have the same dreams any man has (well, almost!). I do so want an adoring guy of course - like any gal - but why can’t I aspire to find one who supports my aspirations and won’t feel insecure because I can use my brains? Is that too much to ask?
Surely there’s someone out there for me… I’m still looking!!!!"

Well written Tahera; I am sure that someone would be a lucky man to know you and foolish if he tries to 'alter' your aspirations.

I wish you well in your future.

I liked it. Pleasant, well written and brought a smile to my face.

your constantly contradicting yourself Tahera.either you want to get married or you dont.there really is no middle way.either you love your freedom and do not want to give it up or you will succumb to societies perception of the so called "still single people" and the whole "if you still not married there must be something wrong with you" syndrome.marriage as has been proven is a failed institution and stops women from reaching their true potential in life.however best of luck with your search:)

The following question must be asked by girls/women planning on getting married (love or arranged)

Q: Man is in a boat with his wife and mother, boat has a hole. Whom should he save.
A: If he answers "mamma", tell him to come back after cutting his embilical cord that he is still clinging onto.

To back it up offer the following verse from the bible.

Mark 10:6-7
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife.


Good luck to all the women/girls may your marriages be sucessful and exemplary.

Nice story Tahera. Adds a lighter side to a very disturbing methodology! I wonder though, how many girls later regret this critical outlook when people stop appearing at their doorstep. just an afterthought! I wonder how many of the selected ones live happily ever after. everything happens behind closed doors and in our culture doors are closed on the instituition of marriage from day one.
Well written, made me smile despite my "poetic concerns"

Regards
A