Prudent Rosy Knew My Vital Signs

very nice article, read it 2-3 times and still enjoyed the way it is being elaborated.

Urstruly, earlier i read your other story : ``That whore``. What i really enjoyed about both was how all characters in your work, whether its the `angreezi chummi girl` , the skinny boy, sami or rosy, they all seem very aware and cognizant. Probably they reflect your own analytical mind (an assumption). I havent read anything where the writer knows his characters inside out right down to the crumbs, like you. (but then again , i dont read much).

One thing that i would like to point out is: you set the stage for ``him`` and ``her`` slowly , like an apt painter taking his time. Adding a few bushes here and there and slowly revealing the plot. Then, BAM ... ``Us`` comes out of nowhere. I could feel warm for ``him and her`` but the transition to ``Us`` was just way too ... quick, and the change to ``me`` was another ungraceful step. It felt rushed and i felt unsatisfied and unempathetic. The plot that had such realism , such life to it went so... ``filmi``. I was standing with sami and rosey in the garden listening and watching, and the next moment i was looking at them indifferently through a tv screen.

The parts where you compare love with an onion and where you assert that men, when it comes to women, are only capable of associations, were thought provoking and very insightful. keep typing your mind out.

I just joined chowk because of articles such as urs.

urs truly,
Gamma.

Urstruly:
Wasn`t there a british film with these two names in the title.[ sami and Rosie get ****]
Lahol-villa-quwwata-min-ush-FREUD-al-rajeem.?

feedback, wanderer, abshar, pr911

Thank you so much for your interest and kind feedback.

echo

I didn`t get it. Saying Lahol wila.... is known to help in such situations. Our moulvi sahib used to recite this shair often:

zehn maiN khayal ka aana burra
ya zehn maiN khayal ka lana burra.

A beautiful love story!! very illustrative!
I really like it!!

Yaraa dildaara:
Now why did you choose these two paricular names : sami and rosy
A movie with these names and a vulgar title always distracted me ( must confess that I do have what-havenots-call-dirty mind)

any comments? Would you consider changing them once this is out-o-sight?

excellent stuff !!!!. Its been a long time since i have read such a beautiful love story which is so realistic.I have stayed in Amritsar where we used to watch PTV .. I have listen to Junaid Jamshaid and I can very well relate this to my self..ineed a splended effort.ur rosy has really formed a real nice impression on my mind.

Urstruly,

Excellent stuff....I didn`t get a chance to read all of it now, but I`ll print it off and read it on the train tonight.

ps. the various references to Vital Signs lyrics brought back many a happy memory for me.

Wajahat

For me, profiling has no significance, and it is totally irrelevant ( I mean no disrespect to Nazar or anyone). The important thing however, is that I want to be able to say what I want - and creating and promoting a certain profile of oneslef is tantamount to putting a duct tape on your own mouth yourself.

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#38 is addressed to TEMPORAL

I thanked God, as I read your post – finally someone has considered my work worth criticizing. First I must appreciate and thank you for the pains you took to print the story out and read it thoroughly at your leisure time – and at the same time I must apologize for not making your leisure time as enjoyable as you had hoped.

As far as presentation of the subject is concerned I wouldn`t say that it was the best I could do because there is always avenue open to make something even better. As I explained in my #23, this story revolves around an axis between the two poles i.e. vital signs and ME – I tried my best to keep the two poles separate so that if someone is not familiar with VS he can just read it as a love story and if someone likes VS but hates the narcissist moi even then that would still keep his attention focused. Unfortunately, I didn`t consider the third possibility – what if someone dislikes VS and moi at the same time, then what? – I am just kidding;)

As far as the choice of words that `grated on eardrums`, is concerned – I did think about that. One consideration was that the language in the dialogues should be `spoken English` but not so colloquial that the reader starts thinking that the characters are out of their natural environment. I did not want to sound too `foreign` because then it would have clashed with the culture and mood that I was presenting. The choice of word ``spake`` was deliberate, even though my word processor told me that such form of the verb became obsolete in 19th century. But choice of that word was for a particular audience/ readers who are familiar with Nietzsche`s `Thus Spoke Zarthustra` – I wanted to invoke in their mind a sense that how much Sami valued the words of advise from his Uncle Spock.

I was also confused with the word `auntie`. I wondered whether I should use `aunt` instead because both in English and American culture the word now has negative connotations. But in our culture it is still used widely in its proper context. So I had to make a compromise, in order to keep my audience with in the cultural paradigm.

The other words/phrases are just bad English; I am still learning the language. I have no other excuse. Though I made sure by inserting Punjabi dialogues at couple of places to give audience an impression as to in what language the dialogue is taking place. That was a deliberate attempt but not to hide my incompetence in English.

It took me a day to think over whether or not to write ``Farewell Rosy, my love, I wish you best in life`` because it sounded too Dickensian but then I gave into my long desire to say ``Farewell`` to a girl instead of just ``goodbye``.

As far as the ``narcissism of protagonist`` is concerned I must say that it was inevitable because of the nature of subject matter. This story started with ME and I dragged the audience along with ME to the ``pungency`` and ``confining bitterness of ``ME``. So it starts from ME and ends at ``ME``. I did not try to sugarcoat a bitter pill. I just presented it to the audience as it is – it is their prerogative whether to feel nauseated about it or find themselves in the same shoes as that of protagonist`s. I have no control over that.

In the end I would like to express my agreement with you that I could have done better. And I really appreciate you for telling me that.

Naalaique@netscape.net

Urstruly:

…i felt short changed…you could have done better…behind the veneers I could not help thinking this is somewhat of a prequel to Just Another Love Story…apologize if I am being imprudent…hope you will understand….;)
rgds,

t

Urstruly

Profiling does not work, and you have proved it once again. People who have known off you, will be confused as to your viewpoint, where at someplace it is as vitriolic, that one might picture you typing away from a laptop and a satellite phone in tora bora, yet at other times you are as liberal as, Nazar Hayat Khan (The most liberal of the Liberals) And that is a complement Mr Nazar.

Your Story proves it, the intensity and complexity of our emotions cannot be profiled. I can honestly say, that you have done a good job here. Its the average man`s Romeo & Juliet, with the Signs playback singing all the way through.

And the funniest thing is you reply to MS Isphahani. That is Funny.

Being an Indian, this was the only Pakistani pop album I got to listen to completely, apart from Junoon`s Azadi. You have truely done great justice to all these beautiful lyrics. A far cry from Nadeem F. Paracha`s rather cold critique of this group when he reviewed their discography recently.

#23:

That was a thoughtful post giving the devil its due.

whew!
its such a long read i forgot all comments by the time i reached its end. and that too i glossed over. too much cyber text strains me eyes.
But have to say this, loved the way you put in VS songs...they were so spot on. So Khwateen Digestesque. sigh. those were the rosy times.

mbz Isphahani

Sir it is little difficult for me to follow your train of thought but thank you for your interest