Maelstrom

well-written, each emotion magnified.
Sana Gulraiz

farzana - i went back and re-read the parts you were talking about and yes, that`s one way of reading it. i was actually quite pleased to see that - i dont think i`d like to stifle my readership to the point that they`d have to stick to the straight and narrow... i like things being open to interpretation - even though sometimes they invite more brickbats than bouquets coz that can be fun too. :)

reena - i`m glad. :)

cayenne - oh dear me! was #9 supposed to be criticism? i`m afraid i was misled by the generous generalization of Indian womanhood, the highly misplaced and irrelevant admiration of the joys of make up sex and your rather creepy curiosity about my, er, `feminine wiles` not to mention the overall trivialization of a subject that requires a modicum of humanity and empathy or even sympathy to discuss. all of this for what? one paragraph you couldnt read? this has to be the clumsiest attempt at provocation i have yet witnessed on chowk. similarly post #19.

#18 by reenash on April 15, 2005 4:54pm PT

cayenne,
RE # 9
trust a man to write something like this, it is never the mans fault..............


God, there are a lot of abused women out there, damaged physically and psychologically, and some of take to writing vicious things about men to soothe their damaged egos, and there are sites and various forums that provide them the opportunity to abuse, falsely accuse and vilify men.I pray that they get over whatever that caused the damage, whether it is/was an abusive relationship, examine their own role , if any, in the unfortunate situation they find themselves in, or , if they are inherently mentally damaged, acknowledge the fact and seek counseling or medical help, so that they can join/rejoin the so-called `normal` world where everyone and everything is a little good and a little bad , and like most human beings learn to cope with it all, yet respect their fellows and live their lives as productive as they can.

amrita,
thanks for your concern, i am alright, my sisters have been my pillars of strength and counsellors and i have recovered from the abuse, yes it is quite common and women keep
quite because a sense of shame that they are in such a situation. a wonderfully written piece. i was in india and since the last one year living in australia.

cayenne,
RE # 9
trust a man to write something like this, it is never the mans fault, the woman provoked,
made, etc, him do it. indian men have to grow up, indian women are no longer doormats,
i think you feel insecure bec women are now self assured and confident and no longer clingy weepy types.

12 by amrita on April 15, 2005 8:28am PT
Re: # 9
dear cayenne,

............You can`t take criticism , can you??.Typical.

Amrita:

Thanks for understanding the motive behind the post. I was and am talking aloud, and as you pointed out, the reader`s take could be entirely different from yours. As a `receiver` one comes with a baggage (re. 2 was not about you, but me!); as a giver you cannot possess the clairvoyance (and must not) to see the effect it might have. That would defeat the purpose of both beautiful prose as well as intent.

So, I most certainly do not want you to explicate the last two points. I did feel the end did not reveal a complete acceptance of her situation. After the whiplash, why did she not throw the thing in the wastebin? Was she holding on to a part of herself? Then she has not given up...she has merely gone away.

Re. my point 3, it is a sensitive issue about abuse, and would need more understanding and effort on my part. Besides, there is always the fear of being whacked for my comments by others :)

PS:

Your use of the phrase ``its always a pleasure to have you`` made me smile. A while ago I had used it in a similar fashion and got a prompt reply, ``But you do not HAVE me!`` Oh well...

Re: # 13
thank you. I really appreciate it.

Beejay - thank you again. :)
you misunderstood - no names or places are mentioned. i set it in india in my head but i found it interesting to see where you took it simply because i wanted to know whether it could be seen as universal... you`re right, it is diff in cities. and i absolutely agree with your bottomline.

Amrita,

After what you said (interact #6), I went back and reread the article to check if it had any clues to the geography and could not find any. The reason I expected it to have taken place in the West was because (let us face it) how many women marry by their own choice in the Indian subcontinent? I guess big cities are different.

My last paragraph (in interact #5) did not appear to communicate exactly what I had intended, so here is a slightly rephrased version.

“The bottom-line: one must never marry and then expect to try to change another person into a person one WANTS him/her to be. It never works, because that person (being grown up) already IS who he/she is. Wishing harder and harder can never change the fundamental facts of life!”

I also believe that in your story, the last portion about “…how tiny and insignificant lying pooled in the palm of my hand instead of stretched across my wrist” is full of symbolism and conveys the newly-found resolve of the main character in no uncertain terms! I think it is excellent!

Amrita though no major fan of yours but must say this is your best that I have so far seen chowk. Keep up the tempo.

Re: # 9
dear cayenne,

flattery will truly get you nowhere - this perfect example of a bhartiya nari does not date misogynists, uncles or married men and especially not a misogynistic married uncle whose auntie might well possess cannibalistic tendencies (refer the adoption board). A big no no, i`m afraid. so no come-hither looks for you!

and i`m truly kerr-ushed you didnt like this peice of mush - having written it with you in mind i am driven to tears by the realization that my primary audience doesnt approve of it - or rather the first paragraph. still, i shall gather the shattered peices of my self and try to go with life.

sincerely not yours,
Amrita

Re: # 8
thank you! and thats a very interesting comment.
i wrote it as an instinctive peice of dialogue. a tactful excuse a young girl might hand out on the phone to someone who was bothering her. a leftover from a peice in which she is so completely submerged in the relationship that she hardly notices anyone else until the moment when she returns to the parental nest at a time of great emotional need. do you think that ought to have been left in?

farzana - its always a pleasure to have you and all criticism is good criticism, its only the silly gnats with no purpose who manage to annoy...

[re: 2. i hope its me and not you :) ] i never know how much to explain about something i`ve written but here goes: this story has been circulating for about 5 years and has existed on paper for the past 2. this is the first version i`ve ever shown an outside audience. i never thought about what effect that might have - i certainly never thought it would polish the craft and ruin the emotion. so thats a lesson to remember. re: 3&4, i have an answer for you if you really want one but i dont know if thats fair on the story. i`d rather you came up with them as a reader - even if its light years away from what i intended. if you`d like a vivisection of it, though, i`d be glad to post a reply. :)

Dear Amrita,
You are the epitome of the emotional, melodramatic drama queen also known as an indian woman.So mushy, i am unable to read more than a paragraph.I guess hot steamy sex after a viloent outburst is a great way to work off stress and angst.Are you one of those indian women, who look at men with those `come hither` sultry eyes??.


regards,

Cayenne

Amrita:
Bravo! thanks for a wonderful read.
really liked the significant outcome:
how tiny and insignificant lying pooled in the palm of my hand instead of stretched across my wrist.

But one thing which clings in mind is that for moving away ``My mom wants me`` creates a need of another grave outcome of expressional passages in this respect. As this produces a very Melancholous effect/excuse. May be it needed a nesting as well.

anyways it requires a thorough reading and it looks it took a lot of time to bunch it down.
Cheers,

Amrita:

I would like to say that it is beautifully written. It is. Most women (and some men) would feel a sense of deja vu.

This is where my problem starts. Despite the powerful words I, who would be among the first to empathise/sympathise with something like this, did not feel that lump in the throat, the ache in the belly (and it is the way I DO react). Why? I have tried to understand...

1. The sentences are well-crafted, a bit too well-crafted, so I was rolling them off my tongue rather than letting them hit me.
2. It is entirely possible that with so many `messed up` accusations and episodes within and without, I am becoming numb (unlikely, but one never knows).
3. The narrator seemed to be `seeing` things as a spectator. Was she then elevating abuse with objective analysis?
4. Again, the denouement...why is she doing things `carefully`? If the bracelet had become ``insignificant``, then why was she ``kneeling``?

I usually stay away from `personalised` boards unless I have some positive feedback. This may not be seen as positive, but I felt I had to share my views because I was getting worried that I was not feeling the narrator`s pain intensely. Clearly, most people do not agree and you might not too.

Therefore, see this as an internal monologue :)

Regards,
Farzana

Thank you all for reading this piece. It was very personal as it touched upon a number of people and subjects very dear to me so I am glad it found an appreciative audience [so far anyway]. I’ve been trying to write it for the past 2 years and yahoo! I did it. It was interesting to read Beejay’s comment that this story seems to be set in the west. It is in fact set in India – but I was glad for his moment of confusion because one of my favorite themes is that to some of us the world is the same no matter where we live geographically. Usually either the very poor or the very rich feel that way. To that is now added the urban (upper?) middle class. Anyhoo,

Beejay – thank you! I agree with a lot of what you said. But as t pointed out, society too plays a role in the education of men and women and what they may think is permissible behavior. And yes, once the abuse has begun, the pattern simply becomes easier with each successive bout. And no amount of praying can help it. I believe counseling may help in a number of cases, especially when the abuse hasn’t reached the physical stage. Incidentally, a long time ago I wanted to write one about a man who is abused by his wife but it got lost somewhere.. maybe I’ll dig it up some day.

Reena – you sound like a wonderfully strong person and I’m glad you were able to bring out something positive for your daughters out of your personal tragedy. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but you know better than me that there is little I can say to that effect except that you are not alone. When I first talked about this to some friends, I was stunned to realize the number of them who’d experienced this – skin color, nationality and religion notwithstanding. All of them were smart, beautiful young women who had options aplenty and you could never guess what lay behind their façade but one by one each admitted me to their confidence. This story is for you, Reena, and for all my friends. I don’t know in which country you reside or if you’ve talked about this before to anyone else, but I would strongly urge you to talk it over with someone even if he has stopped his abuse.

kaal – thank you. I hoped you would. :)

t - thank you. A lot. :) And yes, everything has history and none of it is purely personal. Women are the perennial Other and are treated as such. My nameless Other in this story was neither careful not cold in her relationship with Him … until the very end.

Learner – I’m glad you enjoyed it. I don’t think either one of the characters in the story did though :). I’m not entirely sure about your second para – I wonder if you meant S&M? Which is not sick in the least, you know. As for domination – ideally, no one should dominate anyone. Practically, both will try at diff points in the relationship and you navigate that as best as you can. Hope you find what you’re looking for.