Cursed With Scum

Javed Memon March 10, 1999

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Till the day I die, I will remember that I was once an asshole. I
mean, it's a fact right? Men, Boys, Guys, all at one point in their life are assholes. Some are always in that "state
of mind," and others have better control over it. It's called the male-dog/scum syndrome (

href="/tag/women">women can get it too,
but it originates with the boys).

It was the summer after my freshman year in highschool. She was a
typical 13 year old south asian girl, dark brown straight hair, dark eyes, milk chocolatey skin. She wasn't very
pretty, that is, until she said she liked me (the well-known, "if she likes me, i automatically like her," trap).

Deciding to go along with it, I went against everything I had been taught by my parents. Being the curious little
bugger, I asked my parents to go over my cousin's house everyday (to get to see her.) We started with a kiss on
the cheek playing a game of truth or dare (that game and Pakistani kids spells trouble). We grew hungrier for
affection, wanting to satiate the need to explore, and try different things. Eventually we traded sensual massages
and kissed for as long as we could hold our breath and move our lips like in soap opera's (we never did get that
right). I did many nice things for her, but my intention was
to get her to "do something with me." Constantly thinking, "Mmmmm, I
wonder how long my reward (a kiss) will last this time." I didn't care about her, all I wanted was something that
would arouse me-an addict needing a "high." I used her, she probably used me. We were two ticks sucking each
other's life away but having pleasure doing it.

Now, two years later, I realize that kissing her was disgusting. Hell,
I didn't love her, I didn't even care about her. Everytime you kiss someone, it gets less important than the first
time you did it (this can also be applied to sex theoretically...I wouldn't know for sure though). After a while it
becomes "no big thing." I wonder, if i waited until i was married, and knew, that I absolutely loved the woman,
and kissed her, would I feel ecstasy? I'll be deprived of the greatest feeling in the world. I hate myself for that
few weeks. Every night in bed, remembering. Rewinding. Playing. Rewinding. Slow Motion. Echoing,
"Javed-ved-ed-d-d is-s-s-s-s Scum-um-um-m-m." She finally broke it off, and I asked for one last kiss. How
pathetic is that? An asshole up to the very end!

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