12th Man Reports

LEEDS (May 23): The ball-tampering controversy again reared its ugly head in the international cricket arena following Australia's defeat at the hands of Pakistan today. An unidentifiable spokesperson for the Australian team complained bitterly that, following the early dismissal of three top order Pakistani batsmen for 42, Inzimam-ul-Haq and Abdul Razzaq deliberately and systematically fashioned their strokes to rough up opposing quadrants of the ball. This apparently resulted in cancelling all spin imparted to the ball by Shane Warne --- the former legspinner, now best known as a journalist writing about Sri Lankan affairs. ’’This is intolerable'', said the spokesperson, ’’Rule 17-z (Section CVII) explicitly requires that batsmen hit all quadrants of the ball with equal probability, the standard deviation not to exceed 3 strokes at any stage of the innings, and to be no more than 2 strokes until the end of the 25th over''. The spokesperson --- visibly distraught at this point --- claimed further that later Pakistani batsmen --- notably Moin Khan and Yousuf Youhana --- systematically eradicated evidence of this tampering by repeatedly hitting the ball on to the rough roof tiles of the surrounding buildings. ’’Such brazen tactics cannot be allowed in this gentleman's game'', said the Australian spokesperson, ’’Everyone knows that Glenn [McGrath] is the best bowler in the world, and hitting him out of the ground can have no purpose other than to obscure evidence of guilt.''

Several other issues also came to a head during the match today. The Australian captain, Steve Waugh, accused Pakistani fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar of mispronouncing a popular vulgar epithet, complaining to Umpire Koertzen that such lax usage was an infringement of the Australian copyright on that particular term [Editor's note: We regret that the term in question cannot be eported in these pages because of this paper's wide circulation among the English team and other old ladies' groups.]

Another controversy involved the allegation that several Pakistani players were involved in match fixing. Speaking from behind a stall door in the men's room at Headingley, the Australian captain claimed to have incontrovertible proof that the Pakistanis had conspired with bookies to win all of their matches in this World Cup. ’’That just goes against all rules of fairplay'', said the Austraian skipper, who is said to be considering the possibility of swapping first names with his twin brother in order to improve his average. Speaking on the assumption of anonymity, he bitterly criticised the Pakistanis' strategy of pre-determining the results of all matches in their favor. ’’Cricket is supposed to be a game of glorious uncertainties'', he said, ’’Tell me, where is the glory or the uncertainty in the approach these Pakistanis are taking? By playing all these genuine all-rounders, they are killing the game. In Australia, we still play by the old rules: Batsmen bat and bowlers bowl, and no one encroaches on the other's territory. Why, even our wicket-keeper has agreed to put off batting until he is replaced behind the stumps by someone more competent.''

The Australian captain claimed that his information on match-fixing came from a very reliable source --- two of his team-mates who were known to be close associates of a Hong Kong gambling syndicate.

Finally, in a fourth flare-up, the Australian team has demanded that, in the future, any opposing bowler who soils his uniform by falling or diving in the field be required to change it immediately. ’’With the black sightscreen, it becomes very difficult to see the bowler if he has dark patches of dirt all over his shirt'', said a nameless Australian batsman, ’’We have developed a method of reading the ball from the bowler's posture, and that is tough when you're distracted by dirt.'' As part of this crusade, the Australian team management has demanded that the West Indian team's dark maroon uniforms be replaced by those of a lighter colour. ’’We should be able to see the bowler, not just the ball'', explained a very senior official. Australia play the West Indies on May 31.